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this was inspired by the “do psychologists help” thread?
If there was such a thing as a middos therapist, wouldn’t people still rather go to a psychologist, rather than middos therapist? seems like people rather hear – it’s not their fault; it’s just that they have “x” problem, rather than admit, they can actually “choose” to do something about it?
p.s. aries – as you can see, i too read “choice theory”. 😉
BY: I agree with you that a middos therapist is very helpful and important. Truth is, if one opts to become close to a Rebbe/Rov/Masgiach/Mechaneches/Teacher/Proper Role Model, they are doing that. Of course only when they’re willing to accept direction. Once upon a time we’d go to a prophet to direct us.
You don’t me to agree with you, just thought my comments there may have promted you. (I don’t know that a good Frum psychologist won’t be able to help many improve themselves, not the “excuse themselves” deal)
Yes, people would rather hear, “it’s not your fault”.
As it happens, it is often true also.
Dovid Hamelech praised Hashem using the language “???? ???? ???? ???? ?? ?????? ???? ????, implying that ???? was like an enemy.
Hashem responded by telling him that if Dovid would have had Shaul’s job in life, he would have failed miserably.
We don’t all start out evenly, and our life experiences make it even more unequal. When most children of an abusive father are abusive, it is not hard to imagine that it is something besides bad choices and middos.
Luckily, Hashem only judges us according to our situation and abilities. So we don’t have to worry about the CR Judges.
P.B.A.–I grew up with abuse in my life.TOO BAD!I will not abuse others.Choices are available to all.
Thank you PBA. Always the voice of sanity, when needed. And the voice of humorous insanity, when needed
an amazing balance
TBT: thanks!
Eclipse: I have no response. But, don’t you agree that your kids for example, are less culpable than someone like me, for growing up with your ex?
I know and understand that “hurt people hurt people”,but nowhere in Chazal are there excuses for it.
IT’S A GOOD THOUGHT FOR GIVING OTHERS THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT,but for one’s own self, one should strive to graduate from victim to survivor to conqueror/trailblazer.
popa—as kids,yes,100%.
But as adults,we must OWN OUR ACTIONS.
eclipse:
I am going to agree and disagree.
I agree it is proper for someone to attempt to move beyond his limitations, and that is the work of our life.
I want to add though, that many kids today are raised to think that everything is their fault and that they are required to be “perfect”.
Perfectionism is the disease of our community. I think sometimes it is important to first realize that not everything is our fault, and that we are not held to impossible expectations.
Then, we can strive to reach past our limits.
PBA…therapists often blame the parents.At least that’s what I’ve seen.Of course, expecting perfection from any human being is not good.It can drive a person crazy.
Yes, they do often blame the parents. I happen to agree with that school of thought.
Of course, they don’t always mean both parents; either one has enough influence by themselves. Do you disagree?
Only Hashem is perfect, to strive for perfection is a losing battle. We must learn to be the best we can be, and then keep learning to be better.
Of course people would rather NOT choose to blame themselves but that is what keeps them “stuck” in whatever situations they are in that sends them for therapy in the first place. It is only when a person is ready to be responsible and accountable that they will be able to make lasting changes.
I agree,it just hurts when they blame the one who truly cared,because the other one skillfully shifted the spotlight.
A perfect parent no one can claim to be,but a compassionate and devoted parent should not be trashed based ONLY on “hearsay” OF AN ESTRANGED SPOUSE.
A true professional would never stoop to that level WITHOUT ONCE HAVING MET THE PERSON THEY’VE TRASHED.
Very well said binahyeseira.
I was already inaugurated. Check out my inauguration speech on that thread.
popa_bar_abba: You’re very welcome. It is I, (along with other CR’s) who owe you the thank you
Middos Therapist. I like how that sounds.
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