mixed emotions right before getting engaged

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    hakol mishamaiyim

    is it normal to have very mixed emotions the night/few hours before getting engaged to the extent a part of you wants to just cancel the entire thing even though you technically are really happy?

    馃崼Syag Lchochma



    I dont know if its normal but i personally did


    What does ‘technically are really happy’ mean?

    The little I know

    Why certainly. One is making a decision that will affect the rest of his/her life. The entry into engagement and marriage involves a huge amount of unknowns. It requires trust in the process and the individuals involved, and a hefty dose of bitachon is a great help.


    Is this more common by the lady than by the gentleman?


    You need to find your inner voice amongst all the emotion your feeling. Sometimes discussing your feelings with someone you trust will allow you to find that voice. If you need to clarify some points about the other side then do so.
    An experienced shadchan can be very helpful at this stage.

    The little I know


    You wrote: “An experienced shadchan can be very helpful at this stage.” Alert!

    This “experienced shadchan” needs NOT to be the one behind this shidduch. There is an inherent bias, that upon the sealing of the shidduch, there is a money transaction. An uninterested third party has the luxury of being able to be more objective. I have observed quite a few shadchanim engage in frank lies in order to pad their pocket (sometimes other motives, not always money). A shadchan may and should charge for their services. And we have all heard the famous quite (I saw it stated by Ran Yaakov Emdin) that 砖讚讻谉 is 专讗砖讬 转讬讘讜转 for 砖拽专 讚讜讘专 讻住祝 谞讜讟诇. But to force a shidduch to completion with the wrong bases for doing so is unfair, perhaps even criminal.


    This is not something I have experience with yet. BUT, maybe, you can ask yourself, “If I never saw this person again, how would I feel? Would I be relieved if I chose not to get engaged?”
    If the answer worries you, I would tell you to speak to someone older and wiser, and not just one, but a FEW people who are older and wiser.
    Then you need to compare answers and listen to your inner gut feeling (this is even more important).
    Not everyone who is old is wise, so be very careful.


    As a cousin told me when I was having uneasy, doubtful feelings, “Sometimes you have to have a leap of faith.” Getting engaged is not a binding agreement. Keep your eyes open during this period and be sensitive to issues that are important to you and how this person feels or reacts to them. Some people are just “happy” to be engaged and everything that follows and then avoid talking important issues or rationalizing them away. Hatzlacha rabbah!


    Maybe not legally binding but you really don’t want to break an engagement. This can leave scars on the breaker and breakee. The time for clarification is prior to engagement.

    hakol mishamaiyim

    i got engaged a few days ago and bh i’m really happy,thank you so much for your replies…they really calmed me down,just knowing that most people feel like that prior was a big relief.

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