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Can anyone give us guidance, how to go about a individual who molested a male now about 19 years old.The bochur is a traumatic adult and pretty much OTD. We found out now this happened seven years ago. After the kid opened up about his situation. I would appreciate to see if there are others who can help us with this case.
Broken Parents
At this age, they are more self aware in some sense and would understand why you would send them to a therapist/psychologist or for any sort of professional help. If you want to help this traumatized young man, then the most you can do to help is give him the opportunity to go for professional help– someone recommended.
Good luck
At 19 I think the statute of limitations it’d not up for criminal charges. Have you contacted the police?
Footsteps, sorry to say does not help children who were molested. it helps people go “off the derech” and become part of a totally irreligious anti-religious unhappy society. i too am the parent of a child who was molested and am seeking help and answers but it would be counter productive to connect him to footsteps where the people are rabidly anti religious and unhappy and frustrated. MASK, Our Place, The Grove they can help somewhat. Avi Fishoff, Rabbi Gluck in Monsey…..Most people do not have good ideas, that is true, but Gavriel Fagin is an excellent therapist who specializes in this. hatzlocha. be in touch,we can help each other
As previously stated, the victim would greatly benefit from meeting with a therapist who has experience working with trauma victims. As far as you as parents are concerned, try to be as accepting, empathetic and loving as possible. It took a lot for him to share this information with you and he needs to know you can handle it (keeping your own anxiety down) and emotionally hold him through it.
Don’t file a civil lawsuit before the criminal trial is over. It will make it look like you are just out to get money.
Go to the police. Talk to yanky horowitz, talk to the other molester catchers.
Go to the police so that the monster can’t do this to anyone else. And find your son good professional help. Dr. Pelcovitz of YU is the expert in this field and knows who all of the best in the business are. Ask him for a recommendation as to who to go to about your particular case.
He didn’t go off the derech the derech was taken away from him.
it may be true that he didnt go off the derech and the derech was taken from him (along with his innocence and childhood) however we must help him find his way back. there are b”h many wonderful people who teach safety and awareness, unfortunately not so many, that I know of, that can help these kids after they have been violated. any ideas?
You should know that your response to him now (how you treat him, if you still consider him valuable, if you choose to defend him) will make a huge difference to him in his healing. You said you were in touch with Avi, does he have names to suggest or a derech to follow?
The goq, I’m not sure why but your post put tears in my eyes. He didn’t go off the derech, the derech was taken away from him. That’s really powerful.
Shlufnisht
This monster is like a crazy rabid dog running around looking to bite and ruin the life of anyone he can. He MUST be stopped and the only way to do that is report him to the police. How can it be that after one yeshiva fired him another hired him and then another…? Such a person should not be allowed near children after the first offense! Anyways you have an achrayus to other innocent children to make sure that this man is reported to the police so they can take care of him and make sure he never hurts another child again. It’s a chiyuv and a mitzvah. If you need guidance call Rabbi Dovid Cohen or Rabbi Noach Isaac Oelbaum.
Goq
I’m with Morahrach. Very well put.
Goq, way succinct.
Ranks right up there as “best post on the CR”
Goq – That wins you a slurpee. Are you taking in the mail at work even during the summer? If so I’ll send it out right away.
Thanks syag diet coke flavor please.
This thread breaks my heart. ^ all of it.
At this age, they are more self aware in some sense and would understand why you would send them to a therapist/psychologist or for any sort of professional help. If you want to help this traumatized young man, then the most you can do to help is give him the opportunity to go for professional help– someone recommended.
This. Ignore the “Yiddishkeit” for now, that can only come after healing. The big step in healing would be seeing the perp punished for his actions.
Gavra
I agree. As long as these molesters run free in the streets the pain is compounded by seeing that there is no justice.
Gavra and WIY, BH I don’t know any victim or perpetrators of this type of horrible crime. I don’t either understand what exactly the trauma is and how it is treated. I wonder though, do you know this for a fact that the main part of the child’s healing has to do with seeing the guy locked up? To me it seems like that might have more to do with the parents’ and community’s healing. I’m figuring that disassociating the child from the act, or coming to terms with the past and putting it in a certain perspective, is more important to him.
I think his issue is deeper than the fact that he was wronged. Being wronged is something you can get over with. For the sake of society he should definitely be apprehended. I just wonder about the importance this has for the child’s well being and recovery.
Haleivi
I think there’s a few parts to it here’s what I have off the top of my head. I don’t know if its the main but it’s certainly an important aspect.
1. Every time he sees the guy on the street…his wounds get ripped open and it’s like it just happened to a certain extent in that the trauma comes back just by seeing him.
2. I think any victim of a crime certainly molestation or rape….needs a sense of closure knowing that it can’t and won’t happen again to him or her and that they are now safe.
3. I think that victims feel a need to make sure the person is stopped so he can’t harm others.
Shlufnisht, I have no experience with your problem. I cannot offer you any advice. I felt I had to respond to your post because, as a parent, it’s breaking my heart. Seeing the name you chose to describe yourself hurts, and is so easy to identify with. I know the feeling of missing the sweet days when we lost sleep because our children needed to be fed & rocked & diapered in the middle of the night.
I hope you feel no resentment over the fact that your son has chosen to leave the derech that you must have worked hard to guide him along. The Goq’s comment is emmes. It’s very difficult to fault an individual who must have suffered terribly. We all daven that your son, and others like him, will find their way back to a life of growth & accomplishment.
I expect there may be some small comfort in the fact that your child chose to open up and tell you what he went through. At least now you can begin to try to find a way to help him heal. May you be zoche to yeshuos b’karov, and to see much nachas from your son and all your children.
WIY -“How can it be that after one yeshiva fired him another hired him and then another…? Such a person should not be allowed near children after the first offense!”
I know the name of a guy in Lakewood who was a Rebbi in NY and was molesting kids and they fired him, but didn’t tell anyone why.
He then got a job as a Menahel out of town. Then he got a job near Lakewood, also as a Menahel, and now lives in Lakewood.
Health, please post the name of this person l’toeles.
Health, Fired him? Why isn’t he behind bars? Aren’t educators and health professionals bound by law to report this to the police?
Musser
I think now the law is that they are mandatory reporters in NY and NJ but I don’t believe this was always the law. Health can tell us more about this but I think it’s recent that this became law. Certainly in NY it’s recent it happened last year.
jewishfeminist02 -“Health, please post the name of this person l’toeles.”
And I thought you were worldly. IF YWN would even print it -it would open up me and them to a lawsuit. Ever hear of slander and/or libel?
musser zoger -“Health, Fired him? Why isn’t he behind bars? Aren’t educators and health professionals bound by law to report this to the police?”
I agree. I obviously wasn’t part of that Yeshiva’s decision.
shlufnisht – I don’t understand, you say in the end of your post that now he can go to shul and not worry. I thought you said this person is still free?
If you want to know if this person is known, google Yerachmiel Lopin. I don’t agree with everything he posts, but he is a big fighter for molesters going to jail and will check out names and ask around for other victims. It may be worth contacting him through his website for that.
I daven for your child’s complete refuah. It is a long, difficult road.
Yerachmiel Lopin
Ugh.
DY – I know, but he can help them with this and it’s not worth steering them off course (coming from the tangent queen herself). They don’t have to read his blog, just send him the name and he will let them know what is already ‘out there’ about him. I would hate for them to change their minds from a lack of direction.
Health, YWN can decide for themselves whether or not they are scared of a lawsuit. If they aren’t, they’ll allow your post through; if they are, they won’t. As for you, nobody knows who you are, so you can’t be sued. I beg you to do your part on behalf of the pure neshamos out there that haven’t YET been hurt by this man but potentially could be if they are unaware that he is dangerous.
JF02 – “As for you, nobody knows who you are, so you can’t be sued.”
Sorry to inform you -I can definitely be sued. I unfortunately been in and out of court a lot and I know law. I’m just anon. when I post, but for every SN there is an email address & for every email address there is a real person. Courts have already ruled when it comes to law there is no anon. by posting on the Net. By posting negative things about s/o, even though I believe them to be true, would open me up to be sued. Hopefully one of these guys who were victims will one day have the courage to go to the authorities about him.
Dear Broken Parents,
I thin you are very smart to be dealing with this. You need to offer him compassion and care even when it doesn’t relate to this situation. This incident will constantly be in the back of his mind so its important to always show him some love. I really respect you for dealing with this but I feel, without judging you, that you should’ve taken this into your hands sooner if you knew about this for seven years. I don’t know. maybe you did? There was a girl in our community who was molested and has now completely gone off the derech. Your son needs urgent help-NOW!
There’s this Rabbi in Brooklyn who helps out children who are victims of molestation. I don’t know much about him but i do know that he has helped two close friends of mine who were molested & had gone otd. B”H they are both shomer shabbos now. His name is Rabbi Shmaya Modes. If YWN allows i can post his contact info
Health
Did this Rebbi teach in Chicago and/or LA before moving to NY/NJ?
(I’m new here – is there any way to send a message to another user in private?)
No.
I support R’ Yankel Horowitz and R’ Nuchem Rosenberg. I’ve been to many of the rallies against pedophilia organized by SNAP and R’ Rosenberg. Sadly, they don’t have the backing of major earthly forces, but I am convinced that anyone who responds to the call of duty to help the innocents in our midst is a tzadik gamur.
Please don’t compare Rabbi Horowitz and Nuchem Rosenberg!
Health: So why don’t you just call the police?
A mamin
+10 Rabbi Horowitz and Nuchem Rosenberg are different like night and day. If you want something dealt with in a sensitive and Torahdig way go to R Horowitz.
Out of curiosity what has R’ Horowitz done other than write about issues? It seems that both are needed. R’ Horowitz writes to educate and Nuchem does his thing to get action.
Educate all you want, but if the people are still out there molesting or being protected by rabbis then writing won’t do much.
can we not get stuck in this sidebar just this once, I would hate for this thread to turn political. Please let us help them help their kids.
Mod can i get that rebbes phone number of Rabbi Shmaya Modes?
Mods, i havent been on the coffee room in quite a while & only found this post while doing a google search on his name. Rabbi Modes is a close friend of mine & has okay-ed his number going up online. I’m not sure if its still relevant for the original poster but his office number is 347-871-1410. If the mods dont want to post his number, please try to send it to @shlufnisht
hey you cant comment really unless you have been there .
sleepless nights
self guilt
it is a little harder sometimes when the abuse is from the same gender
there is an organization called JCW . I really wish I can talk to him and just like say its not your fault . You should not have been shunned .
And he can still get help.
My abuser was a woman bh . in a way so I have no evidence really I went to the police and they were really intimidating and I ate my words . that happened in 7th grade .
I was never told that it was wrong .
I mean imagine this I went all day in school without using the bathroom because I was terrified because one day my teacher took advantage of me and the abuse continued for the whole school year .
180 days ! And I feel so sad for the little girl who was uprooted before she got a chance to bloom . I never had a childhood after that .
He didn’t go of the derech . People kicked him off of it . Because they rejected him when he got help .
I pray Hashem should help him. but I also wish that we didn’t have to deal with the abuse it is also verbal .
there is the shame as well
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