March 2, 2012 4:27 am at 4:27 am #602328March 2, 2012 5:24 pm at 5:24 pm #859064TheGoqParticipant
NOMTW, I lived with my parents for several years after high school it has its good points and its bad, the good you have few expenses so you can save up money, home cooked meals, laundry, the bad points is lack of freedom its their house and you have to live by their rules and you feel beholden to them, speaking as a single some people and especially parents will never see you as an individual or an adult until you are married, this is something i deal with on a daily basis and it is very frustrating
people say things to singles that they would never say to married people of the same age.
I know moving out is a big step and financially hard but it really is the best thing for you to make a life for yourself, when i moved from home there were plenty of concerns i had but looking back it was the smartest thing i ever did. Now my parents are unfortunately not with us anymore it makes me feel better knowing i am independent and able to stand on my own two feet.March 2, 2012 5:33 pm at 5:33 pm #859065SaysMeMember
I can really empathize :(, but I’m sorry i don’t have advice to share. Try to sit down and have a heart to heart talk and tell her how you feel, that you love her, but feel smothered, and don’t want to hurt her, but need space to be a better you. Perhaps the clarity will alleviate her doubts, and therefore let her back off without feeling deserted. Hatzlocha and i wishing you a good shabbos!March 2, 2012 5:59 pm at 5:59 pm #859066bptParticipant
With just a few details changed, your story is a mirror image of what is going on in our house right now.
Are kids are growing up, we need to start giving them some independence, but at the same time, we, as parents are terrified of letting go. Its a real challenge, and unfortunatly, the kids are caught in the middle of this tug-o-war.
If nothing else, consider this: your mother is not holding on to you because she wants to hold you hostage. She is holding on to you becuase she values you and wants to protect you. And despite what your mother says, deep down, she wants to see you grow up to be independant.
That said, you do need to move on. Don’t burn the bridge, but don’t stay anchored in past.
I read a nice quote that sums it up: parents need to give thier kids roots and wings. Once the roots are fully developed, its time to start flying.
At 21, you are cleared for take off. (Just remmeber where your airline’s hub is)March 2, 2012 6:08 pm at 6:08 pm #859067BTGuyParticipant
Hi No One Mourns The Wicked.
I guess you can continue what you are doing; embracing your freedom with sensitivity.
Perhaps you and your mom can view this as growing pains which may, in time, help mitigate the emotional aspect of these changes.
You have to grow socially, but while you are growing “into” your life, which I know you know includes your mom, your mom sees you as growing “away” from her life.
And to a degree, that is true, and necessary, although you both must remain a very important part of each others’ lives, even if time together on the clock together is not what it used to be, for now.
In a few years, when you are settled in, Iy”H, you won’t be out and about as much, and you both can spend more time together.
Hatzlacha to you and your mom!March 7, 2012 5:15 pm at 5:15 pm #859068
The situation is going from bad to worse and I need to give all your advice some serious thought…
I have wonderful siblings and friends who are there to talk to.
Thank you for your advice!March 7, 2012 6:04 pm at 6:04 pm #859069TheGoqParticipant
Wishing you all the best in whatever you decide NOMTW Hatzlacha!March 7, 2012 8:04 pm at 8:04 pm #859070
Thank you Goq. Happy Purim 🙂March 7, 2012 8:05 pm at 8:05 pm #859071oomisParticipant
As a parent, I think that part of the issue is that your mom is having a tough time realizing that you no longer need her in the same way you once did. You should try to aim for special mom and me time and talk to her about these feelings, and let her no she will ALWAYS be your mom and you will ALWAYS need her, no matter how independent you will be. I wonder where your father fits in in all this? Does he feel the same as she does? If so, maybe re-examine your own actions to makes sure you are not inadvertently doing something to make them feel alienated from you. Kids are notorious for this, and often have no clue that their actions are conveying a negative feeling of distancing, rather than the positive aspect of “using your wings to fly.” As long as you let your parents know (often) how mucht hey are loved, and actually prioritize spending real quality time with each and both of them, you will send a message of love and loyalty to them.March 12, 2012 2:10 pm at 2:10 pm #859072
Interesting you mentioned my father, we aren’t really close. It’s my mother that I was always close to and I guess she’s feeling it now..I tried over Purim to really spend time with her and go around delivering MM with her. Thank god it seemed to really work.
Trying…March 12, 2012 5:12 pm at 5:12 pm #859073SaysMeMember
i’m so happy for you that thats made a difference!! Continued hatzlocha! I really believe a good talk is a good idea. Unfortunately, not possible for everyone, but if you can have a heart-to-heart, try to do so before things sour more? Wishing you all the best!
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