My friend, the shadchan, and his issue(s)

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    First I would like to acknowledge that being a shadchan is hard work. Those who are involved in shadchanus lishma are deserving of our praise and are worthy of tremendous reward. It is truly avodas hakodesh and tzarchei tzibbur. Unfortunately, I have neither the time, temperament, nor ability to engage in it.

    He told me cities, not names. I will not share cities in case of any sensitivity here on the web. FYI neither city is in the NY/NJ metro area

    There are three issues that I would like to share, and get your thoughts on.

    Issue number 1, which I shared with my shadchan friend, is that I believe that this phone call/skype thing should NOT be done long term. There should be one, two, or MAXIMUM three phone calls/skype meetings prior to meeting in person. If the neither person is unable to travel in the short term, the shidduch should be postponed. Both sides should pursue other options, and if both are still available when someone can make the trip, the shidduch can be pursued at that time. He agrees with me in theory, but feels that there may be instances in practice where it is not practical. I said that the problem (to be shared in issue #2) would not have happened if issue #1 was taken care of.

    Anyway, I know I am on here quite rarely, and I post even less, but I wanted to share with all of you, and hopefully get some of your thoughts.



    Too Long for me to read. Maybe you can make the paragraph a bit shorter.


    Sorry. I figured more details would shed light on things and make it easier to provide productive and educated responses. Here it is in a nutshell:

    Issue 1: Communication between the boy and girl in a long-distance shidduch where logistically, neither person is able to travel for several weeks.

    Issue 2: A long-distance relationship where one person is scheduled to travel and calls off the shidduch at the last minute.

    Issue 3: When messages should be passed through the shadchan and when they should go directly from boy to girl (or vice-versa).

    If you would like to speak generally regarding these issues, then this post is sufficient. If you would like to speak to the specifics of the situation I described above, please read the post above to get more details.

    Also, I am sorry for the appearance of the original post. When I typed it, it was with paragraphs. Somehow it came into the coffee room as one long thing.

    Think first

    Skype for one two then meet is a good idea, long term like they did no good.

    Boy to cancel after agreed to date is wrong so held R Aron Kotler zt”l once you agree to meet you can’t retract, better to date and say not for you.

    Regarding boy calling himself, I’ve had this issue and was told by a chashuva Rav whom is accepted in all circles that once you make dates on ur own u have to tell the girl urseld If you don’t want to continue.


    Interesting, I agree with you that in Yeshivish circles the shadchan should have made the call but Considering the reason the shidduch was called off wasn’t given I don’t blame the shadchan for getting upset and making the guy call himself. In more modern circles after only skyping with someone a few times you don’t even owe them a reason for ending the relationship. It does seem like the guy cancelled the trip for a valid reason figuring he didn’t want to waste anybody’s time. A decent guy with a proper reason should be able to make the phone call to the girl and explain why he thinks it won’t work out. Yes people feelings get hurt in shidduchim there’s no way around that but if his reason is valid than she should be able to understand and move on.

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕

    1) Normally, I think it should be kept short. I would stress than a strong effort should be made to meet sooner, rather than postponing it.

    2) You’re probably right, but you can’t be sure because you don’t know why it was called off. I don’t think checking stops until they’re engaged.

    3) You’re absolutely right (in normal yeshivishe circles).


    Nope, I agree with him. If someone has been dating a guy/girl for a while (7 or 8 dates) and has already “gotten rid” of the shadchan then it is the one who is deciding to break it off responsibility to do the speaking to the other party. I think it is a cop-out for them to ask the shadchan to do it.

    In this situation they had been skyping for 2 or 3 months. That is considered a long term relationship already, whether they have met or not. Imho, he should stop being a coward and do the calling himself.

    Could be I’m wrong about this though.


    Whole LOTS of issues here. but ill be brief. Number. One Skype is a bad idea. Maybe its ok for a first meeting,if you are desperate, but West coast guy and East coast girl have no business agreeing to a shidduch if neither of them can stop what they are doing to pursue it properly.(and i will go so far as to say follow it thru to the end) meaning about one month committment of your time. If you are both in graduate school (which is the only reason ,short of sitting shiva CV i can imagine preventing the trip. THEN DO NOT GO OUT!!! PERIOD> No matter how desperate the matzav is today, if you cannot make the full committment of going out and following up with dates, and parent meetings, then do NOT begin the parsha. Same goes for NY to Balto. or anywhere else for that matter. But say they were “dumb” enough to do that. the next issue is why did he call it off. THe shadchan deserves that answer. he does not have to agree, but he deserves that answer under most circumstances. and if in fact these skype meetings and phone calls were moving along in the direction of building some kind of relationship, then shadchan friend is correct, it is the boy’s responsibiltiy to “man up” and tell her whatever he thinks he should tell her to get off the hook with her. (of course , if this is something stupid, like his mother calling it off because she heard she once ditched class in 9th grade, then i feel sorry for him, to have to deal with a mother like that… but they do exist. Thats my two cents for whatever its worth. My biggest question here is why couldnt anyone get on a plane?


    I agree with “RC” and really have nothing much to add except to remember that dating is NOT a game and needs to be taken seriously. Both parties have to respect the other and take their feelings into consideration. How would he and his mother feel if they made all the arrangements and bought the tickets and 2 hours before the flight SHE called it off? Once you set up a date you go through it like a mench and see where it takes you. If you can’t be mentchelech about that, then the least you can do is man up and make the phone call to break it off yourself.



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