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I need to call a friend to menachem avel because I do not live in the same city as her. But as you can imagine, it’s really hard to express yourself for something as sad and painful as someone dying when both can’t see the other person’s expressions and reactions. I would like to hear responses from those who were availim in their life: what would you like someone to say to you on the phone? Thank you in advance for your comments.
just had to be menachem avil also on the phone but it was a close friend so it worked out ok. you dont have to say anything. you just take cues from them if they wanna talk, if not just say that they are in your thoughts and prayers and then say the possuk
I can’t speak for everyone but I know for myself (and others who’ve concurred) that it is VERY hard to take phone calls during shiva because there are usually many people sitting in front of you waiting to see you. IMO the best thing is to say that you know that it is probably busy by the house but you just wanted him/her to know you were thinking of them and that you will call again after shiva. It was a big relief to me when I would hear that.
you can make the phone call a quickie by doing what syag said, and then send a note in the mail which can really express your thoughts, and the availim can keep them forever. we got many of those and we will always treasure them.
Send a letter, by all means, especially, if you have something nice to say about the niftar. When I was an aveil, I treasured the letters I got, especially, those that had something to say about a chesed, that was done, by the niftar. It meant so much, and I have those letters to read as a keepsake.
During shiva, it is hard to talk on the phone, especially, when you have people around and they can not give you their full attention.
i lost my father alaha veshalom 4 months ago just call her and tell her how sorry you are for their loss and ask if theres anything you can do from where you are to help her if she has the time just talk to her like a normal person have a normal conversation from my experience when i was sitting shiva it was horrible when people came and were just depressed the whole time because the whole point of being menachem avel is to comfort them so just act normal (or as normal as possible) also try calling at a time when not so many people are around meaning not the middle of the day (that was always the busiest for us)
you can also send a letter bt that does not get to the person until about a week later so it all depends how close you are with your friend
most people like to be treated as ‘normal’ even though they are going through some difficult period in their life.
I try my best to act normal and comforting at the same time.
I dont think that making the Avul feel different has any positive effects.
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