On Chinuch and passing it down

SJS, good point but I would take out the sometimes and say “RESPECT” children for who they are and you will be surprised to find them turn out to be who you want them to be. Either because of the respect you show them or because YOU yourself realize that what YOU want does not always coincide with Hashem’s plan so your concept of who you want them to be evolves as well.

Aries, I said sometimes because there are times where a parent can’t just sit back. Like if their kid decides to go on heavy drugs and stuff.

There is a time and place for helping mold your kids.

In a case where the kid(like a teen) wants to do something that’s not the best idea, explain to them why it’s not such a good idea, instead of just no. –

I’ve said this line on these boards often and I’m going to say it again. I got it from Faranak Mangolese’s book “Off the Derech” and, as I raise my three teens, I find it to be truer and truer every day:

As a child goes from childhood to teenage years, a parent’s job changes from that of management to sales.

When your kid is a teen, you can no longer boss them around as you did when they were younger. At that age, you have to work *with* your teen, not against him/her.

A teen is searching for his* own identity. In the vast majority of cases he doesn’t want to be exactly like his parents. He wants to be his own person — and he has to search for that identity and discover it on his own. You, as a parent, cannot do that for him. And since his identity is not going to be the same as yours, he may end up doing things differently than you do — even if you don’t like it.

Your job, as a parent of a teen, is not to shape your child’s identity. Your job, as a parent, is to guide the teen as he forms his own identity. If you always say “no” every time your teen does something you don’t agree with, you’re not allowing them to grow on their own — you’re still treating them as an infant. You have to provide them with the tools to make wise decisions on their own regarding how to live their lives. And, yes, that will include their making mistakes and learning from them.

As an aside, constantly saying “no” to your teen whenever they do something that you disagree with produces two negative side effects:

1. It builds resentment. No one likes hearing “no” all the time.

2. Your child does not learn to differentiate between the things that *are* truly important and the minutiae that are either inconsequential or just not as severe. A parent cannot afford to do this — a teen has to know that there are areas where he has freedom to act, but that there are also areas where certain behavior will simply not be tolerated. If you want them to understand the difference, then you have to allow them the freedom to act in those areas of lesser importance — even if you, as a parent, disagree with their choices.

The Wolf

* Just using “he/him” for convenience’s sake. The same applies to teenage girls.

I am not surprised that you have parenting issues.

*Every* parent has parenting issues. 🙂

The Wolf

Very valid point about a parent respecting their kids no matter what. this would help yeshiva boys who aren’t cut out to sit and learn. They feel either they are a loser or a learner wioth no other options. They have to feel appreciated and respected even if they aren’t matzliach..

etc..