November 16, 2010 7:28 am at 7:28 am #593059
In regards to chinuch, besides teaching children what to do and how, we need to make an environment where they want to, by helping them to understand and enjoy Yiddishkeit. If we work on our own kavanah and joy, we can spread it to our children so they feel the joy too and continue on.
Some children are good at some things and not at other things. While it would be nice for them to be good at everything, it’s not realistic and can be overwhelming. And so we should focus on their strengths and appreciate that.
In a case where the kid(like a teen) wants to do something that’s not the best idea, explain to them why it’s not such a good idea, instead of just no. – Many don’t tell their parents what they are doing. We should help them to feel comfortable coming to us about anything. Plus, we should remember teens need both structure and space
shalom everyoneNovember 16, 2010 3:06 pm at 3:06 pm #7135731st timerParticipant
doesn’t sound like you have any teenagers yourself-much easier said than doneNovember 19, 2010 5:55 am at 5:55 am #713574
you are right, it is easier said than done, just want to help 🙂November 19, 2010 12:52 pm at 12:52 pm #713575
Sometimes you have to accept your children for who they are, rather than who you want them to be.November 19, 2010 1:57 pm at 1:57 pm #713576aries2756Participant
SJS, good point but I would take out the sometimes and say “RESPECT” children for who they are and you will be surprised to find them turn out to be who you want them to be. Either because of the respect you show them or because YOU yourself realize that what YOU want does not always coincide with Hashem’s plan so your concept of who you want them to be evolves as well.November 19, 2010 2:24 pm at 2:24 pm #713577popa_bar_abbaParticipant
I’m in with SJS and aries.November 19, 2010 2:25 pm at 2:25 pm #713578
Aries, I said sometimes because there are times where a parent can’t just sit back. Like if their kid decides to go on heavy drugs and stuff.
There is a time and place for helping mold your kids.November 19, 2010 3:25 pm at 3:25 pm #713579deiyezoogerMember
i’m also with you, if you beleive in your child, then you’ll see she/he will see you trust him/her and automatically they’ll be a true and real connection with both of you. and then chinuch will be easier to give over to our children.November 19, 2010 3:56 pm at 3:56 pm #713580WolfishMusingsParticipant
In a case where the kid(like a teen) wants to do something that’s not the best idea, explain to them why it’s not such a good idea, instead of just no. –
I’ve said this line on these boards often and I’m going to say it again. I got it from Faranak Mangolese’s book “Off the Derech” and, as I raise my three teens, I find it to be truer and truer every day:
As a child goes from childhood to teenage years, a parent’s job changes from that of management to sales.
When your kid is a teen, you can no longer boss them around as you did when they were younger. At that age, you have to work *with* your teen, not against him/her.
A teen is searching for his* own identity. In the vast majority of cases he doesn’t want to be exactly like his parents. He wants to be his own person — and he has to search for that identity and discover it on his own. You, as a parent, cannot do that for him. And since his identity is not going to be the same as yours, he may end up doing things differently than you do — even if you don’t like it.
Your job, as a parent of a teen, is not to shape your child’s identity. Your job, as a parent, is to guide the teen as he forms his own identity. If you always say “no” every time your teen does something you don’t agree with, you’re not allowing them to grow on their own — you’re still treating them as an infant. You have to provide them with the tools to make wise decisions on their own regarding how to live their lives. And, yes, that will include their making mistakes and learning from them.
As an aside, constantly saying “no” to your teen whenever they do something that you disagree with produces two negative side effects:
1. It builds resentment. No one likes hearing “no” all the time.
2. Your child does not learn to differentiate between the things that *are* truly important and the minutiae that are either inconsequential or just not as severe. A parent cannot afford to do this — a teen has to know that there are areas where he has freedom to act, but that there are also areas where certain behavior will simply not be tolerated. If you want them to understand the difference, then you have to allow them the freedom to act in those areas of lesser importance — even if you, as a parent, disagree with their choices.
* Just using “he/him” for convenience’s sake. The same applies to teenage girls.November 19, 2010 4:11 pm at 4:11 pm #713581popa_bar_abbaParticipant
* Just using “he/him” for convenience’s sake. The same applies to teenage girls.
Good. Because if you wrote, him/her, I would say that if you don’t even know if your kid is a him or her, I am not surprised that you have parenting issues.November 19, 2010 4:15 pm at 4:15 pm #713582WolfishMusingsParticipant
I am not surprised that you have parenting issues.
*Every* parent has parenting issues. 🙂
The WolfNovember 19, 2010 4:23 pm at 4:23 pm #713583aries2756Participant
SJS, that has to do with bad choices and not “who they are” and it falls into the category that Wolf was discussing which is guidance and I would add to that “coaching”.November 19, 2010 4:36 pm at 4:36 pm #713584not IMember
Very valid point about a parent respecting their kids no matter what. this would help yeshiva boys who aren’t cut out to sit and learn. They feel either they are a loser or a learner wioth no other options. They have to feel appreciated and respected even if they aren’t matzliach..
etc..November 19, 2010 5:03 pm at 5:03 pm #713585
OK I agree with that Aries.November 30, 2010 4:45 am at 4:45 am #713586
good points wolf
And notI, exacty, sometimes people are too pressured and then don’t want to do it. some kids have a special need and have difficulty. And even some regular students sometimes need something different
Plus, we should show them that we notice their progress, to encorage them
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.