Opposite Gender Friendships

Home Forums Decaffeinated Coffee Controversial Topics Opposite Gender Friendships

Viewing 50 posts - 51 through 100 (of 114 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #795907

    YW Moderator-42
    Moderator

    We’re not talking about “looking”. The question is close friendships. I would assume that any “close friendships” would fall under the issur of “lo sikrivu”.

    And I don’t think Joseph answered the question [as usual :)]. The question was where in the psukim do we see this issur with regards to Eishes Ish

    #795910

    GeshmakMan
    Participant

    Aside from the Halachick issues, Issurim (if you hold that way), the entire concept is impossible.

    Single Guys and Single Girls CAN NOT (not practical) be friends! All it leads to is akwardness and inner feelings being hurt.

    A guy who says “my best friend is a girl”, is basically saying “I like this girl so much, but she doesn’t like me back, so we are best friends, so I can always have hope of marrying her”.

    The guy who is “friends” with a girl, will ALWAYS hold out hope that they will get engaged/married to each other.

    And yes the same/above applies to the girl also.

    #795911

    cherrybim
    Participant

    Since this thread deals with Opposite Gender Friendships; in light of the pending Toeiva legislation, it may be a good place and time to warn about Same Gender Friendships.

    The Rabbonim today have issued a proclamation for us to call our elected officials and voice our concern and opposition to the immoral legislation dealing with same gender marriage which is before them.

    So Brooklyn and Queens residents, please call the office of Congressman Anthony Weiner and let him know our feeling on this vital issue which deals with the corruption of the moral fabric of our society.

    #795912

    cherrybim,

    at this point i dont think weiner is the best guy to call about immoral issues. he really wont be listened to as he has proved to be immoral himself.

    #795913

    cherrybim
    Participant

    Oh, thanks.

    #795914

    I’m a girl and enjoyed the ladder theory idea very much.

    It’s true, for the most part, although in the frum community people will generally try to avoid such situations so it doesn’t come up as much. A lot of girls are in denial about it and end up shooting themselves in the foot.

    #795915

    adorable
    Participant

    I know I’me being dumb by asking but a friend of mine who met this guy and would like to be his friend- and just a friend. i keep telling her that its not going to stay that way- every relationship either goes forward or back… but it defys all logic and she just loves talking to him

    #795916

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea.

    It’s a tease and nothing more. One is inevitably more interested in the other, which leads to heartbreak. Friendship is about sharing to get close, breaking down barriers to become emotionally intimate (which can lead to physical intimacy). Anyone who denies this is in denial or in a relationship with someone who is the more interested party. It’s a modern idea that needs to be eliminated from the orthodox community.

    #795917

    adorable
    Participant

    in a way she wishes he would push her away so that it wont be so tempting for her. i think hes starting to do that- he lost interest in being played around with (one day she talks to him, the next day she tells him she has to behave and cant talk to him…) but now its hard to get over that.

    #795918

    There is only difficulties down that path. Many people have been that way and none of them were matzliach.

    #795919

    tracht gut
    Member

    i also thought that could work…the results were Disastrous …

    #795920

    bortezomib
    Participant

    Okay, here’s another story to illustrate that being “friends” with a guy/girl if you’re a girl/guy does NOT exist !

    My friend is very frum. I wouldn’t classify her as “yeshivish” but still doesnt-talk-to-guys frum.

    In one of her classes this semester, was a yeshivish (looking) boy. (And very good looking unfortunately.) He would sit down next to her in class, come over after class and ask questions, and was, in general, making this girl think (with good reason!) than he wanted to date her. Eventually. At first my friend’s theory was that he first had to take the LSATS, and then he’d formally ask her out. I had misgivings because she was not the only girl he talked to, but didn’t want to ruin any high hopes for my friend – he was REALLY playing her emotions.

    One day, they started emailing back and forth- it started off innocuous enough- about an upcoming test bla bla bla.. and ended up being used as an excuse to flirt outrageously.

    My seriously shtark friend was sitting at her computer for hours on end trying to come up with funny responses to his funny responses.

    One night, he ended his email with “Okay, I’m tired and cant be on my a-game anymore, layla tov!”

    And he never emailed or contacted my friend again.

    Who was heartbroken obviously.

    And 2 months later, he’s dating someone seriously.

    Honestly, generalizations across the board are difficult, but in this case- it’s just NOT worth it to start up with a a guy/girl unless you’re dating her/him.

    imho.

    #795921

    adorable
    Participant

    You guys are right. But when you’re in it its very hard to break away and give it up.

    #795922

    adorable
    Participant

    even if you know that it defies all logic and makes no sense but there’s still a drive from both sides so its hard

    #795923

    And this is a friend your talking about……….

    #795924

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    Yes, everyone here is right that a guy and a girl of marriageable age shouldn’t try to JUST be friends, because it probably wont work. But if I may make a “bold”, or crazy,(depends how you take it) statement: I think this is mostly true for people that have grown up not talking to or being friends with the opposite sex. For them, suddenly having a “friend” of the opposite sex will almost never stay as just a friend, because they wont really have boundaries since they lack familiarity with such a relationship. But I think for people who have grown up having friends of the opposite sex, I can see it being perfectly fine to continue friendships even at a marriageable age. It might even help in finding him or her a shidduch, since a friend might know someone. But since I can assume most people here are of the former group (Not having those types of friendships), I wouldn’t advise to start having them now. Bad idea. (As bortez’s example clearly illustrates.)

    #795925

    adorable
    Participant

    A friend of mine is the girl. i dont deal with the guys

    #795928

    Chein
    Member

    MiddlePath:

    The people who had opposite gender friends their whole life generally have a lot more problems (read: issurim) then the people who never had opposite gender friends.

    #795929

    adorable
    Participant

    Middle- i dont think you are crazy but just not being realistic. the reason I dont want her going there with this guy is because I understand better than she does (as an outsider) that there is no reason for her to talk to him and it wont stay that way at all!

    #795930

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    Chein: I respectfully disagree.

    #795931

    adorable
    Participant

    middle- are you convincing yourself because you dont wanna feel guilty. I dont mean that in a nasty way but sometimes ppl know that certain things are not right but they did it in the past and dont wanna have to face that they are wrong so….

    #795932

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    adorable, Actually, no. I am saying this based on the community I grew up in, the schools I’ve attended, and the friends I’ve had. I, personally, didn’t have too many friends that were girls, and now, I also don’t. But most of my “guy” friends have plenty, and just about all of them are wonderful, responsible, mature, and all of their friendships with girls (except for one guy who is dating a long-time friend) are just friendships. I honestly don’t see anything coming from it. But that’s just for people who have grown up that way. I think for people who haven’t, it’s a bad idea to start it now. I’m not saying growing up with opposite sex friendships is right or wrong (I happen to think it depends on a lot of things), I’m just saying that continuing those friendships won’t hurt nearly as much as starting new ones with people who have never had such friendships.

    #795933

    Hmmmmm
    Member

    It is absolutely assur to have such friendships. Much like yichud, they will inevitably lead to arayos.

    #795934

    adorable
    Participant

    middle- I agree that its much worse to start now and it is much more natural when ur friends for years but

    #795936

    mw13
    Participant

    There is a tsheva from R’ Moshe that states pretty black and white that it is assur to have an opposite-gender friend. (I saw it inside at some point, but I don’t remember where it is… does anybody else?)

    #795937

    Pac-Man
    Member
    #795938

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    “talking to the same gender”

    Does talking to myself count? 🙂

    #795940

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Boys and girls who break this Halacha and are boyfriend and girlfriend should not be allowed to marry just like we don’t allow a man who cheats with a married woman to marry her after her divorce. And if they do get married, they should be forced to divorce, just like the other relationship that began without kedusha.

    That’s a good idea. Why don’t you tell Hashem that, and maybe next time He creates a world, He’ll put that in the Torah.

    (Or tell the chachamim and maybe next time they have an anshei knesses hagdola, they’ll make that gzeirah.)

    #795941

    mw13
    Participant

    PBA:

    Lol, and well put.

    #795942

    wizeguy
    Member

    actually tosafos in yevamos 24B says it is a mizva to marry her of “vi’lo si’he le’isha”

    #795943

    adorable
    Participant

    popa- you had me rolling! good job!

    #795944

    adorable
    Participant

    guys- what about once your married? is it ok then?

    #795945

    adorable
    Participant

    guys, yes or no?

    #795946

    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    to Mz. adorable:

    I believe that one can be “friendly” without being friends, but only with Jews. Non-Jews you can be more friendly/friends, because there is always that natural distinction/separation.

    However, know yourself, and get hadracha that is tailored to you and your own Yetzer.

    #795947

    adorable
    Participant

    im asking if a single girl can be just friends with a married guy or does it also not work then

    #795948

    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    im asking if a single girl can be just friends with a married guy or does it also not work then

    IMHO, bad idea.

    #795949

    tracht gut
    Member

    Adorable – that is even worse … would you like to be the one causing problems between him and his wife?

    i wouldnt dare!

    #795950

    adorable
    Participant

    dont worry hes been cheating her for a while and she cheats him too…

    #795951

    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    dont worry hes been cheating her for a while and she cheats him too…

    Danger Will Robinson, Danger!

    #795952

    tracht gut
    Member

    Two wrongs dont make a right!

    #795953

    Peerimsameach
    Participant

    Strait up wen I read the title I was like no way!! Doesn’t matter who or eat situAtion Is or wat age being friends with a girl just doesn’t se rite. Now thinking about it tho it depends on where u come from if Ur from a more irreligious family Nd comunitu than go for it! Nd hatzlocha. But if your a good yeshivish, chassidish guy who learns alot Nd knows how much girls can distract from learning escoecially wen they become Ur friends than u better stay away! It deff won’t help u!

    #795954

    tracht gut
    Member

    I had a bf and it almost destroyed me.. at first i thought its only talking/texting.. big deal . But i realized my mistake a bit too late it DOES NOT end there. It is a Very Dangerous situation to get into!!

    #795955

    tracht gut
    Member

    Any ideas how to make sure that i dont fall into this bad thing again?

    #795956

    adorable
    Participant

    are you engaged?

    #795957

    tracht gut
    Member

    yes why?

    #795958

    Hacham
    Member

    tracht: You are engaged and falling into this with someone else?

    #795959

    adorable
    Participant

    I was wondering that same exact thing. cant you just wait a little bit?

    #795960

    WIY
    Member

    Adorable

    “dont worry hes been cheating her for a while and she cheats him too…”

    1. You are playing around with the issur of aishes ish. One is supposed to allow themselves to be killed rather than committing adultery.

    2. What goes around comes around. If you do this sin, you will be ruining your life and you will probably have a hard time finding anyone to marry and if you do get married I can almost guarantee you that you will not have Shalom Bayis and your husband will probably break your heart and cheat on you.

    Run away from such sins. Stay far far away from opposite gender friendships. It ALWAYS ends badly.

    #795961

    tracht gut
    Member

    i am engaged and no i am not falling into this bh. But i did have a boyfriend b4 and i want to make sure that i never do that again chas veshulem.

    #795962

    MDG
    Participant

    tracht gut,

    Than make up your mind to only freely speak/communicate with your fiance/husband and no other man. If you have to speak sometimes speak only with other men as needed and no more, and only as many words as needed and no more.

Viewing 50 posts - 51 through 100 (of 114 total)
  • The topic ‘Opposite Gender Friendships’ is closed to new replies.