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if a person has a sibling that’s going in the wrong path c”vs, is there anything that person can do that will help their sibling? 🙁
Just be there for him/her. If your sibling is receptive to hear what you have to say, great. If not, don’t push!! Stay in touch, always show that you care and still love your sibling. Be there for him/her. Don’t forget that this is his/her nisayon and could use all the love, letting your sibling know that you will always be there.
The best thing that you can do is love them unconditionally. There is a huge difference between “tough love” and “loving tough” so do your best to “love tough” as tough and as hard as you can so that your sib can feel it with every nerve ending in their body. They have to feel your love and your care over and above the vibes they are getting from the friends they are making that are accepting them for who they are and are validating their pain.
Try to be the shoulder they cry on, if you can be the ear they vent to, it can keep them from joining others who are OTD and help them on their way. When I work with At-Risk kids I woulds say “If a goy hurt you like this Yid or Rebbe hurt you would you say ‘All Goyim’ are bad? Why do you lump the whole religion together and take out your frustration on the entire religion instead of just this one person with bechira who gives in to his yetzer horah instead of listening to his yetzer tov?” That really gives them something to think about. I also say “Gie it over to Hashem because he is the best score keeper and believe me, he DOES keep score. He rights everything down, everyone has their own page and he writes everything down, and after 120, he will have to give a din v’chesbon and answer for very kid her hurt not just you. Every single thing he said and every single thing he said. Him and every other Jew who does not live up to Hashem’s true Torah Values”
People are only human, and they have the same human qualities as do goyim. Everyone makes choices and whether they are a Rebbe, mechanech, teacher, parent or child, WE all make mistakes. Unfortunately some of those mistakes hurt other people and sometimes to such a degree that it pushes kids OTD. If we can show that it has nothing to do with Yiddishkeit but with human nature and personal mistakes and choices, then we can save kids from running away from who they really are.
yes. accept them for who they are and show them that no matter what you still love and care for them. you don’t have to support what they do or their decision. just love them and care for them. ’tis the best medicine.
hatzlacha
😀 Zuberman! 😀
The old saying “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar” applies. Be there for your sibling. Set a positive example. Don’t yell, berate or condemn… you’ll just be more likely to further set them against returning at some future date.
The Wolf
Always remember that he/she is still your sibling – still the kid you played tag with, still the kid you fought with, still the kid you collected butterflies in a jar with – still your sib. Love them, love them, love them and be there and available for them. Regardless of where or if they are davening, keep in touch. Be welcoming to them always and as long as the pathway they have chosen is a legal one, include them in your family activities – they may or may not choose to come. Eventually, they may decide the way they were raised is the best way.
With a growing population of people OTD, there is an even larger growing population of their siblings. The sibs need help to deal with their own reactions, including a great sense of loss, fear for the OTD sibs’ well-being, embarrassment by the OTD sibs’ behavior, a desire to help and a sense of responsibility to correct the problem. This can be very painful for the sibs, especially for sibs who were close before the change occurred. Too bad we don’t hear much about “specialists” in helping the sibs deal with OTD.
Sibs as well as parents have a choice. Should they worry about what other people think or do they need to worry about what this unfortunate OTD child thinks. What does Hashem want from them, to worry about your neighbors and yentas or to worry about the people nearest and dearest to you who needs you to love them and care about them when they are in the worst distress of their lives?
Who should you have loyalty to? Please, honestly think about it. If you stop worrying about what the world thinks about your sibling and understand that we each go through our own nisayon and Hashem will judge us on how we each deal with our challenge then we can handle this better. The OTD child is going through a nisayon of his/her own. The parents and siblings are going through another nisayon, how will they handle this situation and how will they treat this child, Hashem’s child, who is going through this terrible rough patch and journey in his/her life?
Everyone’s advice here is right on the money. The only thing, small though it seems, that I would add, is actually something you yourself can do that might help. It is simply just showing joy and happiness about Judaism when you are with your sibling. Showing positive emotions in connection with Judaism can have a great effect on those who see it.
I will have to ask my brother.
Show them love. Don’t ever give them mussar or judge them. Daven for them with tears. Do mitzvos (give Tzedakah…) in their merit.
I hate to say it, but remember that Avraham Avinu sent Yitzchok’s brother packing.
If there are drugs or antisocial behavior involved, you need to do just that – send him packing – tell your parents and others who can get him help exactly what he is up to.
Other circumstances are very different and I don’t have much to add to the advice given here.
One of my friends sister is off the derech and it makes me feel so sad when i think of it. And another one of her sisters are getting influenced too its soo sad!!:( I really feel bad for the parents and the family…im davening for the girl…my friend dosent look so happy sometimes so i try to talk to her but its really sad…
i was. after it all my mother told me the most brilliant thing that she did. being as im the oldest all my younger sibs looked up to me. without me ever knowing (cuz i wouldve reacted beyond strongly) my mother used to tell the kids-we love your brother unconditionally and he’ll always be part of the fam but what hes doing now is wrong and you musnt learn from him.it worked on them. if they know that youre good to go from every angle.
One thing you MUST remember. Despite the amount of hardship you’re enduring, they are suffering much more. They are acting the way they are out of pain and confusion. DON’T judge them. Make sure that they go for the help they need.
i remember a mother once saying that she sat all her other children down and told them that their family is a garden and every flower adds something else to a garden but they have to be different or else its boring
This is one of the toughest situations, when the younger child is pulled by the OTD older child. It tears the family apart. And the younger one is so affected by any hint of rejection by the family toward the OTD child.
encourage them to go and tell them that you are going to take them and pay for them…. try your best to help them and get them to go to someone they can relate to.
and daven a lot for them and for the other siblings. there is nothing like a sincere tefillah.
Adorable
“family is a garden and every flower adds something else to a garden but they have to be different or else its boring”
To me it sounds like the mother is saying its ok to be off the derech its not and the other kids must know that even though the parents love the OTD kid, what they are doing is wrong and its only making them more unhappy and further standing them from Hashem and the Torah way of life.
brotherofurs-encourage them to go, ask your parents to pay for it, etc. its very hard especially cuz sometimes they don’t want to but try to be supportive…
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