Parental involvement in shidduchim

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    So it happened about a month ago where my friend got redt to a girl and everything sounded great to him after conducting some research. He said yes, and shortly after, the girl said yes as well. Later that night, the shadchan for the boy and girl broke the news to the young bochur that the girls mother decided to come in and break the shidduch. Now, the girl already said yes. The only reason the mother could offer for saying no to the shidduch was that the boy was too young. If the age wasn’t a problem for the girl and the girl was okay with everything she heard about him, is it right for the mother to step in and break it off? Should a mother be as involved as she was in this case?

    anonymous Jew

    Well, how young is young? 18, 23, 26? If he was too young, why accept the date in the first place.


    Some om children wanted us involved, others didn’t. We left it up to the individual child.

    Shopping613 🌠

    If a mother is too involved than the child should consult with a Rabbi or teacher.
    I know many people who’s parents have limited involvement.
    If the daughter does not see a problem with her mother’s behavior, or is too weak to stand up to her perhaps she is not ready for sihhudchim at all. Just my 2 cents.


    Mom knows best.


    Do goiral or flip a coin!


    He is 20 going on 21. The point being made is that the girl agreed to the date. She is actually closer to 22 so the question is why is the mother breaking things up when the girl herself was looking forward to meeting this boy?

    make a point

    @neo-chossid, if you are so intersted , pick up the phone and ask the mother, otherwise mind your business. Age couldve been an excuse for a bigger problem


    I agree with ‘make a point’ that “Age couldve been an excuse for a bigger problem”
    It is best to use a reason/excuse that is least hurtful/damaging when rejecting someone, whether for a date, employment, housing.

    In this case the follow up info says the girl is older, so the mother saying the boy is too young is a way to stop the date that does not involve a lie.

    I disagree with the first part of the comment “if you are so intersted , pick up the phone and ask the mother”
    Unless you are the shadchan you have no business in contact with the parents.


    One shouldn’t need an excuse to break off a shidduch that just doesn’t “click”. Sometimes two personalities are just obviously not compatible, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of them.


    You all are missing the point. The girl agreed to the date and sent a text to the shadchan asking when she and the boy we’re going out. The girls mom decided to interject several hours later. My question is if this kind of behavior is acceptable. As one person pointed out, perhaps maybe the girl shouldn’t be in shidduchim if she just let’s her mother push her over, but I’m just trying to get a feel for why it’s acceptable behavior for the mother to override the daughters wishes.



    It’ll be interesting that a mother should put off a potential shidduch because a boy is 20 years old. Its likely that something else that was involved in this decision.

    You write “one person pointed out, perhaps maybe the girl shouldn’t be in shidduchim if she just let’s her mother push her over,”
    This mother has good intentions and isn’t “pushing her daughter over”. I’d be cautious dating this girl if she ignores her mothers opinion.

    Shopping613 🌠

    No it’s not acceptable. Unfortunately many people are in shidduchim who shouldn’t be, and many people get married to unhealthy people and miss the red flags. I’d say this is a red flag.

    Also my Rav holds it’s assur to back out of a date, depending on the situation, but once you said yes, you said yes. Unless you find out that the potential spouse is a murderer or has major issues or something really big. If he’s a regular guy and you just heard something you did’nt like so much, too bad.


    We cannot know all the facts because it’s already third or fourth hand information. If the only factor was age, this could be an example of when a Rav should be consulted. Parents play an important role. Sometimes parents overstep, and it’s up to the young woman and possibly the shadchan to consult a Rav when this occurs.

    Agav, please don’t call these young women “girls”. It is demeaning and belittles their role and voice in this parsha.

    reform rabbi

    The mom is wrong but her action is mutar. There is no restriction to expressing your opinion. The mom just expressed her opinion that she doesn’t want her daughter dating a young man. The question is whether the girl is obligated or should follow her mother’s expressed desire in this case. I think that according to the law she need not listen to her mom about who to date. Practically speaking the girl probably lives at home and does not make her own decisions. . .


    While it is traditional for parents to be involved in shidduchim for their children, the unterste shurah (bottom line) is that the decision belongs to the chasan and kallah. There is no inyan of kibud av in this case. While it is unlikely to happen in this case, if the girl feels strongly about it, she is free, both morally and halachicky, to ignore her mother’s advice and should, in fact, do so.

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