January 29, 2011 5:48 pm at 5:48 pm #594600twiggyMember
ok here comes my question.
if a young girl is on the market and her parents are deciding who she should go out with. lets say she wants someone a little more open minded, outgoing. is that something she should ignore, and just listen to her parents. (because its not that important) or should she stick up for her opinions of exactly who she wants? is that being too picky,? does ones parents know better?
whats your view?January 30, 2011 5:29 am at 5:29 am #733431popa_bar_abbaParticipant
I think parents are usually involved way more than they should be. If you are mature enough to make decisions after marriage, you can also make them now.January 30, 2011 5:33 am at 5:33 am #733432truth be toldMember
I agree with Popa.
It’s quite unhealthy to be forced into an engagement/marriage. Parents opinions are very important. They cannot though decide for a child against their wishes.
Find a competent mentor FAST.January 30, 2011 5:34 am at 5:34 am #733433☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
Popa Bar Abba,
I totally disagree; I think these, and all, decisions are best left to parents. When my mother’s not looking I’ll let you know what I really think…January 30, 2011 5:36 am at 5:36 am #733434real-briskerMember
Dont marry who you dont want. Say what you want before its to late.January 30, 2011 5:40 am at 5:40 am #733435yossi z.Member
You should speak up but not necessarily to request from the parents what you want but rather to discuss with them what you are looking for (to say it less confusingly, speak to the parents to get onto the same page don’t just tell them this is what you do/n’t want (like a hungry kid looking for food and the parent has to go through do you want this? How about that?)
Am I being too confusing?January 30, 2011 5:42 am at 5:42 am #733436dogoParticipant
Definitely stick up for your opinions by telling your parents what you feel, and be very open to them as to what you are all about! (thats my personal way of doing it)January 30, 2011 5:43 am at 5:43 am #733437dunnoMember
Make sure your parents know exactly what you want but do it in the most respectful way possible.January 30, 2011 4:48 pm at 4:48 pm #733438IDKyetMember
it is important for you to discuss what you want with your parents so there arent any miscommunications, but always keep in mind that parents can usually see part of themselves in their children, and being that they have more life experience than you do, they can help you make a decision about what is right for youJanuary 30, 2011 4:53 pm at 4:53 pm #733439popa_bar_abbaParticipant
I think it is important to not be respectful in situations like this.
Behaving respectfully towards someone reinforces your tendency to listen to them and do what they say. But, where that person is abusing the relationship of trust and respect, I think you should specifically act disrespectfully as a way of negating your tendency to listen to them.
I think that parents who put their own wishes above their child’s wants and needs, are abusing the parental relationship.
(In other words, there were too many people agreeing with me, so I took it to the next level.)January 30, 2011 4:54 pm at 4:54 pm #733440mikehall12382Member
You are the one getting married, You are the one that is going to spend the rest of your life with this person, NOT your parents…so Yes, your opinion matters the most…January 30, 2011 5:14 pm at 5:14 pm #733441deiyezoogerMember
usually if your parents dont like those ppl, there are reasons for it which the kid does not understand yet, so yes beleive in your parents they know a little better than us(miner ones).most of the time, when you listen to your parents your better off. p.s nothing is wrong to voice your opionion to your parents,they might consider listening or even so hearing what you have to say….January 30, 2011 5:22 pm at 5:22 pm #733442hanibParticipant
i know many, many people who got married later or are not married yet, whose parents looked for what they wanted and not what the child wanted. and, yes, the guy’s personality may be important. best thing is to think of what kind of people you’re generally attracted to (as friends also) and tell your parents that for now you’d like to look for such-and-such. then, if after 6 months or a year, can re-evaluate and expand options. good luck!January 30, 2011 5:31 pm at 5:31 pm #733443ProfessionalMember
TWIG, Consult with smart rabbonim/ rebbetzins, therapists would be sometimes more objective than parents, adn can help get a better picture of what would be a good approach. Better to get clarity and help before than after.January 30, 2011 10:36 pm at 10:36 pm #733444aries2756Participant
It is important for anyone coming into the parsha to sit down and discuss with their parents what they want in a spouse. They should also listen to hear what their parents “want” for them in a spouse and then decide together what to look for.
It is very sad and wastes so much time and energy of the individuals and shadchanim when the parents spend all their energies setting up dates according to their own wants and not according to their child’s wants and needs. Many times they are way separate issues and it doesn’t lead to a happy or successful conclusion. There is no point in going on date after date with prospects that do not meet your needs.
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