August 13, 2013 7:00 am at 7:00 am #610348the-art-of-moiParticipant
my parents are helping me with something and theyre awesome. i really want to thank them but heres the issue: my parents and i have never really had a relationship… i feel really awkward hugging them or even saying how i love them. i know it sounds awful, but i cant help it! so, how do you parents think i should start communicating with my parents? seriously, until now it was mostly like “thanks for the supper”. help!August 13, 2013 7:18 am at 7:18 am #970910LikudMember
Write them a nice letter and leave it where they’ll find it. Or mail it to them.August 13, 2013 12:16 pm at 12:16 pm #970911eclipseMember
Letters are #1. Even texting or e-mailing your love/gratitude will be appreciated, although hand-written letters are always more special.
(and are not accidentally “deleted”!)August 13, 2013 1:06 pm at 1:06 pm #970912sharpMember
Oh, I like the idea of a letter here. It will allow you to express yourself uninterrupted. And it’s something your parents can hold onto and read again and again.
Good luck.August 13, 2013 1:40 pm at 1:40 pm #970913Nigritude UltramarineMember
I’m trying to understand what’s awkward about hugging your parents? As everybody else said a letter would be fine.August 13, 2013 1:57 pm at 1:57 pm #970914mazaltovMember
Maybe send a plant, or flowers with a note.August 13, 2013 2:12 pm at 2:12 pm #970915oomisParticipant
The letter idea is the BEST. It is less embarrassing to express yourself in writing, when the person you write to is not looking at you. It will be cherished by them (your mother especially), and they will keep it to re-read whenever they need a reminder of what a great child they have. It is often awkward to say what’s in our hearts face to face. Letters, not e-mails, are wonderful. You can even look for a beautiful card (something really sappy) and add your own thoughts to it. Ever see a mushy Hallmark commercial?August 14, 2013 1:19 pm at 1:19 pm #970916notasheepMember
Perhaps we can upgrade the letter idea? If you’re at all creative, you could make them something to show how much you appreciate them, such as a scrapbook/album with photos and the letter together, or video presentation on CD. You could even record yourself speaking, which is good cause you can write yourself a little script first and then your parents will hear the words in your own voice. Use your talents to give them something beautiful that they will treasure, and that alone will show them how much you love them.
Some people just aren’t the touchy-feely type and find physical gestures awkward.August 14, 2013 2:25 pm at 2:25 pm #970917eclipseMember
notasheep – nice ideas!!August 14, 2013 3:25 pm at 3:25 pm #970918Torah613TorahParticipant
my parents and i have never really had a relationship… i feel really awkward hugging them or even saying how i love them. i know it sounds awful, but i cant help it!
It’s great that you’re working on the relationship, and it’s great that you realize that this isn’t a healthy way to relate with your parents. Therapy will be very helpful for you.
I imagine you do not want a repeat of these dynamics with your spouse and children. You may want to start therapy before this impacts your other relationships in ways you cannot see until much later.August 14, 2013 4:16 pm at 4:16 pm #970919rationalfrummieMember
especially during adolescence, kids drift away from their parents, and need their own space to figure out who they are and what they believe. Art of Moi, it’s good that you are admitting how grateful you are to your parents, and you should express that gratitude. Lots of people don’t like giving hugs or getting all emotional. Just find other ways to say “thank you,” or “I love you” such as writing a letter, doing a chore, buying a present, or just doing something kind.
Torah- how can you have the chutzpah to recommend therapy for someone you DON’T know over the internet?August 14, 2013 4:38 pm at 4:38 pm #970920Torah613TorahParticipant
1. How do you know I don’t know them?
2. Even if I don’t know them, I still care enough about them to give them the best advice I can, even if they may find it unpleasant and be nervous about acting on it.
TAOM: It is not healthy to be uncomfortable hugging your parents or saying I love you. It is important to recognize when something is not healthy, face up to it, and fix it, and therapy can help with that.August 14, 2013 5:00 pm at 5:00 pm #970921
People make therapy sound like the big bad wolf. Contrary to popular belief, the purpose of doing psychotherapy is not about making you feel good about yourself, bash your parents, or encourage you to do whatever you want. It’s about helping one grow as a person (whether spiritually or emotionally). Kind of like a paid mentor. Most of the ppl I know who are in therapy (and I know MANY!!) are full of self-honesty, desire to get close to Hashem, and courage to change the dark side of themselves.August 14, 2013 5:10 pm at 5:10 pm #970922TheGoqParticipant
Very well said spunk! i completely agree.August 14, 2013 5:18 pm at 5:18 pm #970923
Why, thank you.August 14, 2013 5:39 pm at 5:39 pm #970924yehudayonaParticipant
To expand upon what rationalfrummie said, different families have different ways of expressing affection, and it changes as children get older. I believe the OP is a teen, so it’s not unusual that she feels awkward with explicit displays of affection. It’s quite a jump to say that she’ll have difficulty displaying affection to her husband and children.August 14, 2013 8:00 pm at 8:00 pm #970925the-art-of-moiParticipant
thanks for responding. each and every reply made me feel better- thank you! i really like the idea of writing a letter!
notasheep- very creative ideas!
k, im going to write it now…August 14, 2013 8:31 pm at 8:31 pm #970926rationalfrummieMember
Torah613: If you knew them, you wouldn’t be giving them advice anonymously, that’s just cruel. Advice is great, but when you start telling people to seek medical or psychological treatment, that crosses a line, ESPECIALLY because the behavior expressed here does not warrant such extreme measures. You will frighten people with your words.August 14, 2013 10:32 pm at 10:32 pm #970927TheGoqParticipant
Good luck taom let us know how it goes.August 15, 2013 6:59 am at 6:59 am #970928WIYMember
You seem to be on a mission to send everyone to therapy.August 15, 2013 9:17 pm at 9:17 pm #970929
WIY that’s a great idea! I’ll pass it on in your name.August 16, 2013 6:24 am at 6:24 am #970930NechomahParticipant
I think the answer depends on where you want to go and where you are coming from. Are you a hugging type of person with your friends or are you generally not a touchy/feely kind of person? I would suggest starting off slowly with simple thanks and do it repeatedly, consciously aware that you are getting yourself used to these types of behaviors with your parents. Set a small goal ahead of where you are now and work towards achieving it – maybe giving your dad a handshake if you’re a guy or squeezing your mom’s arm if you’re a girl (not saying that girls can’t touch dads and boys can’t touch moms, only that touching the parent of the same sex is probably easier to start with). You can make incremental changes in how you speak and behave physically.
Regarding a letter, that may be a good idea for yourself so that you can read it and realize how much you have to be grateful to and have appreciation for your parents. Building up the hakores hatov in your heart may make it easier for you to express it verbally and/or physically.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.