September 24, 2012 11:17 pm at 11:17 pm #604979
What traits do you as a girl or guy look for while dating? Is attraction very important to you? And for those who are in successful, long happy marriages – what traits did you look for? Thanks!!September 25, 2012 1:10 pm at 1:10 pm #899803MorahRachMember
When I was dating ( now I am super happily married bH bH) attraction was important, but just one of many things that are important to look for. Sometimes I feel like people don’t put enough emphasis on attraction, then on the other side of it you have people putting too much emphasis and people become too superficial.
I looked for midos like, did he hold the door for people behind him. How did he act with his mother , was he respectful and kind?
Did he have a good work ethic? ( my husband has a fantastic bH work ethic, and always wants to provide for our family no matter what).
The first time I watched him daven, I think it was on a yuntif, I knew there was something very special about him. Even now all this time later if I can I like to watch him daven, i can’t explain the feeling, he just has a lot of cavanah, I hope one day to have the same.
At the time I was looking for someone working and learning, he was doing both.
Hope that helps!September 25, 2012 2:55 pm at 2:55 pm #899804
Thanks for your reply, it was really beautiful! I like what you wrote very much, and now I know I think I am looking for the right things.September 30, 2012 1:56 pm at 1:56 pm #899805menucha12Member
hmm…someone who makes me feel safe someone who would be a good father/husband who is passionate about whatever he does learning/working
a guy who can be fun and easy going at times but also serious and shares interests and hobbies
and most importantly shares goalsSeptember 30, 2012 8:35 pm at 8:35 pm #899806
What an excellent question! As a 35 year old woman who has never been married, I have to say that I would look for a kindness, gentleness, and compassion in a mate — someone who has a great love of animals and children. Since I most likely can’t have children, I would very much like to find a life partner who would be interested in adopting. I feel rather “old,” so these criteria may not be what many women are looking for. But nonetheless, these traits mean a great deal to me!October 1, 2012 10:59 pm at 10:59 pm #899807NechomahParticipant
I think it is important to look for a person with a positive attitude. This can affect them in two ways (if not more) – they look for the good things that come out of difficult (bad?) things that happen and they are able to look for positive things in other people.
I also think it is important to know how a person plans to work out any issues that come up later on – is the person dead set against going to a therapist if the need really arises, do they have a Rav/RY to whom they go to ask advice and are do they know how to take the advice given?
Find a way to learn enough about the person to answer the issues you think are important, possibly including my two ideas above, and if you ask direct questions, try to understand what the person means by what they answered. Hopefully the person you are dating will have thought through some of these issues and have some answers to your questions, but you don’t want superficial responses, so you can use their response to dig a little deeper.October 2, 2012 7:12 pm at 7:12 pm #899808haifagirlParticipant
35 is not too old to have children.October 3, 2012 2:01 am at 2:01 am #899809WiseyParticipant
My parents got married at forty. If 35 is too old I must not exist.October 3, 2012 2:08 am at 2:08 am #899810popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Money, money and money.October 3, 2012 3:13 am at 3:13 am #899811
Hello haifagirl and Wisey,
My age is not the problem. It is medical.October 10, 2012 1:41 am at 1:41 am #899812
Thanks for all the thoughts guys. And to aurora77, don’t give up on finding your ‘perfect mate’ 😉 . . . and for what it’s worth, I think adoption is a beautiful thing.October 10, 2012 2:19 am at 2:19 am #899813MeemaYehudisMember
I think you are covered by using the following three criteria to judge a potential spouse: b’kiso, b’kosso, uv’kaaso (how he spends his money, how he handles drinking (alcohol), and how he deals with situations that would make him angry). When I was going out with my husband, my yo’etz told me to see how he reacts in a situation which would upset him. It was very good advice!October 10, 2012 2:41 am at 2:41 am #899814
When I was going out with my husband, my yo’etz told me to see how he reacts in a situation which would upset him. It was very good advice!
So what did you do to upset your husband (well, your date at the time) to see how he would react?October 11, 2012 3:06 am at 3:06 am #899815
I agree, and thank you for what you said 🙂 I wish you all the luck in finding the right one who embodies the wonderful qualities that mean so much to you!October 12, 2012 1:35 pm at 1:35 pm #899816
I’m looking for someone handsome, brilliant, successful, and charming. Yiras Shamayim and sincere in his learning but sophisticated. Intellectual and muscular. Organized and relaxed. Not scared of insects. Good family. Generous, respected in the community but enjoys being at homeOctober 12, 2012 4:12 pm at 4:12 pm #899817MammeleParticipant
613: please tell me you are kidding. In case you are not, and for anybody else out there in la la land, be aware that generally speaking, more gashmius equals less ruchnius, and vice-versa. I’m not talking about natural good looks here. A sophisticated, muscular yirei shamayim?
The same holds true for many other traits. There is a reason for the yiddish saying “alles ineinem iz nisht du bei keinem”. (can’t translate too well “no one has everything combined”)
The even tougher question is where do you stand that you have such conflicting ideals? Are you covering all bases to meet your needs AND everybody else’s expectations/values?
Again, if you are serious you need to do some serious introspection, if not I’m directing this to others thinking along these lines.
Of course there’s also the elephant in the room of simply having a list that’s too long. Again, prioritize.October 12, 2012 8:17 pm at 8:17 pm #899818
Mammele – I was joking. Not scared of insects and willing to be my knight in shining armor in regard to creeping creatures is kinda important to me though.October 12, 2012 9:57 pm at 9:57 pm #899819
torah613613torah: May I ask how old you are? I used to want all those things too, and I’m not saying that you should ever settle or cut yourself short, but, at the same time, you do need to understand that in reality, it may take 100s of years, scouring country after country, to find just one man who comes anywhere near what you described! I originally made this post to ask people not to describe their perfect man, but their perfect mate – the one who is perfect for them, flaws and all! Flaws make us human.October 14, 2012 1:16 am at 1:16 am #899820
Seahorse – Really, I was just kidding. I’m 22 and don’t believe that boys should feel they can ask for everything and girls are so self-conscious and guilty for wanting anything at all. What I said was intended to sound ridiculous.
In terms of what I’m looking for – anything self-contradictory is not important to me, except the second sentence where the first part is and the second less so.October 14, 2012 2:35 am at 2:35 am #899821WIYMember
Girls have every right to want certain things just like guys do, however unrealistic guys as well as girls tend to remain single for a long time.
Lest hear what you really want in a guy besides for someone who is an exterminator lol.October 14, 2012 5:25 am at 5:25 am #899822
WIY Thanks for asking. I love telling people what I’m looking for – it is fun to compare their idea of each adjective with my idea of it.
I’m looking for someone healthy, slim, good middos, highly intelligent. Yiras Shamayim and has a Rav. Organized and relaxed. Not scared of insects. Not in this particular order.
That pretty much describes me too.October 14, 2012 5:51 am at 5:51 am #899823🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
613, I have a guy looking for the same thing but he adds ‘happy’ and ‘fun’ to that list. Where should I tell him to look for you 🙂October 14, 2012 12:32 pm at 12:32 pm #899824goldersgreenerParticipant
A fellow was once on a date, and he stopped at a red light. As the light turned green he released the hand brake, and prepared to move forward. The meduberes pulled the hand brake up, and the behaviour repeated itself until the light went red again.
With all the cars honking behind, he asked her what made her to do it. She said that she was just testing his reaction, and told him that he passed. He said, “well you failed”, and let her off at the next corner.October 14, 2012 1:15 pm at 1:15 pm #899825funnyboneParticipant
Someone who shares your Torah values, whatever they may be. Someone who shares your passions for life whatever they may be. Someone whose company you sincerely enjoy. Someone who you want to be the parent for your children.
Nobody can tell you what to look for, you need to know on your own what your values are.October 14, 2012 4:29 pm at 4:29 pm #899826golferParticipant
I vote funnybone’s post the best.
However, as a married person i must add that, all kidding aside, having a spouse who is not scared of insects, whose fearlessness and agility in disposing of said insects is exceptional, has definitely enhanced the relationship.October 14, 2012 7:42 pm at 7:42 pm #899827
Syag Lchochma – He can join YWN, then you can ask the mods to email me his screenname, if I like his posts the mods can tell you my email. Sounds good?
Nope. We probably won’t be able to fill that request. They should both join a dating site.October 15, 2012 11:44 am at 11:44 am #899828Shoe store assistantMember
I’m looking for someone with shoe fever. Perhaps YWN can give me some of their email addresses? [they should first make that their mothers will allow me to buy our children shabbos shoes.]October 15, 2012 3:33 pm at 3:33 pm #899829pet peeveMember
+1October 16, 2012 4:16 pm at 4:16 pm #899830WiseyParticipant
some tell you to pick the top five attributes that you are looking for
I would say a girl that has 1)lots of yiras shomayim but also 2)sophisticated 3)eidell 4)easygoing(definitely a plus in a relationship) 5)cheerful (but not too much)October 17, 2012 12:12 am at 12:12 am #899831golferParticipant
aurora, not meaning to pry here, and i obviously have no idea what issue(s) you are referring to, but i have 2 messages for you:
-I wish you the best of luck in finding someone to share your life with.
-Miracles can happen. Miracles of the sort that can leave medical professionals clearing their throats & scratching their heads.October 17, 2012 2:51 am at 2:51 am #899832
Thank you golfer for your kind words 🙂 I try to find that elusive balance between not completely closing out hope and yet not getting my hopes too high.
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