Poshut hates the guy

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    I daven in a shul during the week that has a few baalebatim giving shiurim and had the following conversation with an older gentleman (a grandfather). One of these magidei shiurim is a particular chashuva baalebus that for some reason or other this grandfather aged individual cannot stand. He says the second this baalebus walks into the bais medrash he feels like he’s going to suffocate and has to leave the room. He simply hates the guy, hates his shtultz, hates his persona, just cannot stand him. and it really bothers this gentleman since he knows its wrong to hate another person especially as that magid shiur has done nothing to him and is just simply living his life. That was the basic conversation. What would the coffee room reply to this gentleman?


    I don’t remember the source but the antidote to hate is to do favors and be extra nice to the person in question. So that’s what you should tell the guy, since he apparently asked for your advice. For example, if shayach, offer him a car ride, inquire about his family, compliment his Shiur or find other ways to be nice to him.

    If there’s truly no bad will between them (where asking/ granting forgiveness may be a prerequisite) the hate should subside and hopefully ahava will follow.

    Another thing to bear in mind is that flawed character traits may bother us more if they are similar to our own. We don’t want to face our demons.


    This Yid should do teshuva and daven to Hashem that he shouldn’t be hateful.


    Mammele: I think the source may be “Michtav Me’Eliyahu” by Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler who was, among other accomplishments, the mashgiach ruchani of the Ponevezh yeshiva in Israel.

    He analyzes the powerful bond between parent (mother) and child and devises the theory that it results from the effort the mother devotes in caring for and nurturing the child. The more effort one invests on behalf of another, the greater the resulting feelings of love and compassion generated in the benefactor. The way I understand it, by investing one’s self in the success and well-being of another gives one a personal interest – or mission – in the the success of the beneficiary. It’s not limited to mother and child; it’s a fundamental Human trait that can be applied in any situation.

    This novel and insightful notion runs contrary to conventional thinking that love is something that can be bought through favors and gifts (in other words, the notion that one can trigger reciprocal feelings of love in the other person. Rather, we can only generate such feelings in ourselves; we don’t control the feelings of others. The more conventional thinking is the mistake too people make in their desperate quest to be loved by the object of their desires.

    To me, this explains many ideas, from HaShem’s love of mankind, peoples’ extraordinary, selfless, charitable efforts on behalf of complete strangers all the way even down to, le’havdil elef havdalos, the bond of people with their pets.


    Don’t get the”hate”. There are people in my shul whose demeanor and attitude rub me the wrong way. I don’t particularly like them but I don’t hate them. i just have nothing to do with them and, There must be something else going on with the guy in the OP. Wonder what it is.

    Avram in MD

    To strengthen Mammele’s suggestion with personal experience: a few months ago there was an avel who served as shaliach tzibbur a lot at my shul. He, for some reason, had completely changed his havara to something other than what his original custom was, and it was a type of pronunciation that was both very uncommon and not consistent. Additionally, he literally sounded uncomfortable pronouncing some of the words in shemoneh esrei with these changes – coughing, lose his breath, etc. – which made it painful to listen to. I felt very annoyed, and would inwardly groan when he went to the amud, and I felt guilty at the same time for being annoyed. One evening after maariv it was raining and I saw him walking home, so I offered him a ride. He politely refused, but after that point we would greet each other in shul if we crossed paths. I found that my annoyance was still there, but substantially reduced.

    Lilmod Ulelamaid

    Avram – wow! Amazing! kol hakavod


    Thanks BluBluh for your informative response.

    And I second the Thanks to A in MD!

    And thanks LU for reminding me to thank everyone…

    Much appreciation to all you guys.

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