Progressing in Shidduchim

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  • #609130

    esq1
    Member

    I dabble in shidduchim and one the common reasons I get for someone not wanting to continue a shidduch is “it’s not going anywhere.” I think it’s perfectly valid but I’m wondering if there’s any advice out there of how to develop a deeper connection. I understand it should come naturally but what topics can I suggest to bring into a conversation that will help things move along? And on what number date?

    #948408

    Vogue
    Member

    Hobbies, maybe going mini golf and then you can talk about your scores, don’t do bowling.

    #948409

    GeshmakMan
    Participant

    No, the people that give such vague “answers” need to look in the mirror and figure out what he/she want and why they are dating.

    They need to help themselves before an outsider can help them

    #948410

    Vogue
    Member

    They were just ideas of activities that can allow for a deeper connection in an informal atmosphere. You can also go to an arcade and play two player games (not dance dance revolution, obviously).

    #948411

    esq1
    Member

    Vogue, thanks for the ideas. But how would going to an arcade foster a deep connection? If anything I would think that hinders it since you’re preoccupied and can’t talk much.

    #948412

    whats wrong with bowling? (I know. im not ready to get married yet….)

    #948414

    Vogue
    Member

    You don’t really get to talk to the people you are bowling with. Also, arcades if you are playing games together can foster a deeper connection.

    #948415

    oomis
    Participant

    Playing together (bowling, mini-golf, arcades) gives daters something fun to do, a chance to laugh at themselves (like I did whenever I got a gutter ball), and FOSTERS conversation in my personal past experience. it lightens the mood, and makes it easier because conversation is NOT required every second of the date, so the two can begin to relax a bit around each other. The deeper connection is for when the couple is comfortable together, and that sometimes takes several dates.

    #948417

    esq1
    Member

    oomis, I agree that those are good dates to go on. But once you feel closer, what’s a good way to bring up the more serious things (in essence, move past the “friend zone”)?

    #948418

    Well in my opinion, don’t be afraid to use the “m” “h” or “w” words (marriage, husband, wife, respectively). Too many people are afraid to use such terms, but that’s exactly why you’re dating, to make these words applicable to you! Although it’s obvious to both parties, if it isn’t brought out at all, it’s being held back, as are those feelings, thus rendering it that much harder to get that special “connection”.

    #948419

    esq1
    Member

    Rabbi Perfect, that’s actually really good advice. I mean, I can imagine it places one in a very vulnerable position but that’s bound to happen when things get serious.

    #948420

    sm29
    Participant

    Doing things like arcades is great. You both have fun, plus good memories that you can look back on. You can go to a restaurant and talk, and see if you have common interests and values. You can go for a walk in the park…..

    #948421

    thx vogue.

    #948422

    Surprising as it may sound, I find talking in learning can be fun. So is finding shared interests/hobbies, and making jokes (if that comes easily). The key is confidence and listening to them talk too, as swell as talking yourself.

    #948423

    Vogue
    Member

    no problem.

    #948424

    Soferlishma
    Member

    Really good conversations usually come when people get to know each other well and feel comfortable with each other to the point where they sense each other then things naturally work out much better in terms of conversation. Until that point u just go out and see what they like and attracts them what catches there attention and elaborate on what the other one likes say some jokes a nice dvar Torah. ALWAYS be yourself!

    #948425

    It definitely can put someone in a vulnerable position but as you said it’s bound to happen sooner or later, and once you’ve already gotten comfortable enough (i.e. 3rd date, and/or arcade) that’s when you can start using these terms. To build up to that point, say some stories that happened to you in yeshiva (in Israel if you were there for yeshiva) or some random funny things that happened (even to you!) bc this will help break the ice and cool (both) your nerves’ and just remember to be confident and yourself! You’ll do fine bro! B’Hatzlacha!

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