Questions when checking out a boy

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  • #593930

    rc
    Participant

    Can someone please give me some useful questions to ask when inquiring about a boy. What questions will produce the kind of answers you need to determine if this boy is right for your daughter. I know it is subjective, but where would you start. THey all seem to be baal middos and good learners. How do you get beneath the surface?

    #724421

    Ask who is his Rebbe and how close they are.

    #724422

    eclipse
    Member

    Here are the ones I asked to get the real scoop on personality/midos (during the years I helped people with shidduchim).

    1.Have you seen the boy in a situation where he could have been JUSTIFIABLY upset or frustrated? How did he handle it?

    2.If you had to describe him in 3 or 4 adjectives,which would you use?(then compare what other references used)

    3.For learners:you must speak to chavrusos and roommmates.In the Bais Medrash alone, everyone is either “geshmak” or “aidel”.Or “mamesh a mushlum”(completely perfect midos).

    Hope this helps a little.

    #724423

    A23
    Participant

    Does he wear a hat?

    Does he go to minyan three times a day?

    Does he have a set rebbe?

    Was he in the aleph or bais shiur in high school?

    Has he ever been to Florida?

    What did he do last summer?

    #724424

    ronrsr
    Member

    is he kind?

    #724425

    I am new to this on the parental end but would think talking to friends will give a clearer picture at least personality wise.

    The questions I want answered but probably won’t ask are, if he sees a woman with shopping bags,double stroller and small children trying to get on a bus will he offer to help ?

    Can he change a diaper? a tire ? a light bulb?

    Does he dress up on Purim and if so as ?

    Just wondering to the boys need to have a resume too?

    #724426

    yepyep
    Member

    Find out if he’s even-tempered.

    #724427

    nachas
    Member

    One question that my friend asks is what negative trait does he have.Everyone is not perfect and not every negative trait is bad so it would be interesting to hear what is said. When we were looking into a boy when my daughter was going out all we heard was great things about him so when I asked what negative trait he has we were told he is very absentminded which might be fine for some but not everyone could handle it.

    Also dont forget to ask if he is on any medication or if he has any chronic illnesses you would be surprised as to what is not told if not asked.

    #724428

    apushatayid
    Participant

    How does he act behind the wheel of a car? How does he spend his bein hazmanim?

    #724429

    eclipse
    Member

    Nachas,please ask your friend to find out if the question “what negative trait does he have”is permissible acc.to hilchos shmiras haloshon with regard to shidduchim.It doesn’t seem right to ask that.

    #724430

    bein_hasdorim
    Participant

    1) Where is he during his friends weddings?

    a)Does he mostly dance by his friends weddings,

    b)or does he hang out by the sweet table,

    c)or is he outside smoking,

    d)or in hall on his cell phone.

    2) Does he offer rides to random people when he can.

    3) Does he respect his parents & elders.

    4) Does he drive like a mentsch.

    5) Does he wait till after Oleinu to take off his tefillin.

    #724431

    dunno
    Member

    Nachas

    I think that’s a rather nasty question in addition to the fact that most friends wouldn’t answer it.

    Health is a major thing to find out about and is usually the most difficult.

    #724432

    Tzvi Hirsh
    Member

    What is his or her’s and parent’s social security numbers and do a background check on them.

    YOU NEVER KNOW THE AMES UNLESS YOU DO THIS!

    A relative found out after marriage that his frum wife was in jail. She kept it a big secret amongst other things.

    #724433

    rc
    Participant

    thanks. these are all great replies. I just think you never get real answers. And NO the boys do NOT (usually) have resumes. I think it would be very helpful if they would. Tell me whose shiur youre in, what your learning, how long youve been in wherever, etc. it would help alot.

    #724434

    ItcheSrulik
    Member

    A23: Six questions, three of which are irrelevant.

    #724435

    memo
    Member

    Really ask the reference to describe him normally the first few things that come up properly describe the guy look out for key adjectives the tone of voice….another thing is the references are normally a representation of the guy in one way or another…check out if they speak in a way you would want someone who is associated with your daughter to speak …a lot can be determined by this…many times if you ask the specific questions you’ll get vague-nice” answers but try to see how excited and enthusiastic the reference is you’ll begin to get a picture.. this whole time Daven that the checking,investigating,dating should go smoothly!

    #724436

    How is he Kovea Itim.

    #724437

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I always ask:

    Do you yearn for Moshiach?

    Do you set time for torah?

    Do you do business with faithfulness?

    Do you delve into the wisdom of torah?

    Do you delve into the depth of torah?

    Do you involve yourself in pirya v’rivya?

    #724438

    dunno
    Member

    memo

    I don’t know if you can base the information on enthusiasm. Some people by nature are more enthusiastic than others. You really need to find a mutual acquaintance that you are closer with than they are.

    #724439

    mamashtakah
    Member

    Does he talk or shmooze during davening, or does he take it seriously?

    #724440

    bpt
    Participant

    Poppa –

    6 questions:

    4 = only acceptable answer should be “yes”

    1 = possible answer can be “yes” or “eventualy”

    1 = answer had better be “eventualy”

    If not, um, er, well, (perhaps this boy is not the best choice, regardless what the references say!)

    #724441

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    1 = answer had better be “eventually”

    Well, the beis din shel maalo asks it, and you can’t answer “eventually”.

    #724442

    AinOhdMilvado
    Participant

    What do you see yourself doing in 10 years from now?

    #724443

    Ralphie
    Member

    papa_bar_nun

    Why not ask if he’s a Zaide because you can’t say “eventually”?

    #724444

    Sacrilege
    Member

    Does he get along with others?

    #724445

    lkwdfellow
    Member

    Sacrilege – you missed the most important question…. bourbon or scotch – if the guy says scotch – you send him packing….

    #724446

    apushatayid
    Participant

    Does he daven during davening or does he sit with a gemara open in front of him all davening.

    #724447

    not I
    Member

    DONT ask if you had a sister/daughter would you consider him..

    #724448

    bpt
    Participant

    Well, the beis din shel maalo asks it, and you can’t answer “eventually”.

    You’re right. But even upstairs, a single bocher’s answer had better be “not yet”

    #724449

    Sacrilege
    Member

    lkwdfellow

    Meh. I can always convert him.

    See. Not picky.

    #724450

    lkwdfellow
    Member

    Sacrilege – you would be surprised… It’s not so pashut to convert someone who is deeply commited to his scotch…

    Did you ever ask a guy on a date what he drinks? That would be an important thing to ask. It says alot about him…

    #724451

    Sacrilege
    Member

    lkwdfellow

    Not outright like Hi, my name is Sac, whats your drink of choice? But in conversation it may have come up… 😉

    #724452

    rc
    Participant

    lkwdfellow, what exactly does his choice of drink say about him. I have two son in laws who are scotch drinkers and couldnt possibly be more different in every way. I agree with Memo I shall take his/her advice…

    #724453

    lkwdfellow
    Member

    jl – please don’t take my advice seriously. It was on a lighter note, only intended for Sacrilege, as per other threads.

    On a more serious note – you need to ask questions that will help you understand if this boy is appropriate for your daughter. Before calling the boy’s refs. – make sure you know what your daughter is looking for. Based on that – come up with questions that you can ask that will help you get a picture if the boy is what your daughter is looking for.

    #724454

    zeman
    Participant

    Ask if he’s a smoker and be sure to get the correct honest answer since many friends and even rabeim will try to avoid answering that if he is a smoker. If the girl can’t live with the terrible smell of cigarettes or doesn’t want someone who isn’t concerned with his health, she should ask this question before going out, don’t find this out after many dates and then have to break it off. Don’t rely on his promise to quit after the engagement, he may not have the willpower to quit this addictive habit.

    #724455

    eclipse
    Member

    Popa…that last one is PG-13.

    Tzvi H.–in jail for what? Some people are arrested on totally false charges and are 100% innocent.

    #724456

    ronrsr
    Member

    zeman – why not also ask if he’s a habitual seat-belt user?

    #724457

    dunno
    Member

    zeman

    I know a heavy smoker who’s wife agreed to marry him provided he quit smoking once they got engaged. 2 days before his wedding he was still smoking. When asked if his future wife knows about it, he responded: “she’ll find out soon enough.” Pretty scary.

    #724458

    ronrsr
    Member

    paper or plastic?

    #724459

    eclipse
    Member

    Yeah,the smoking thing is doomed from the start.It’s like a kallah promising to drop 300 pounds for the wedding.Some things you either accept from the start or DON’T START.

    #724460

    iluvtorah
    Member

    one of the biggest problems is that in marriage the spouse (either one) can push the other’s buttons in a way no one else can. like a soldier preparing for war, until being shot at by live bullets you can’t know. conversely the spouse can make the other shine in a way never before known. (off thread comment: the crisis IMHO is due in part to valid shidduchim not being made because because try to figure it all out before agreeing to go out.)

    #724462

    mewho
    Participant

    i had a great post but i guess it got censored

    #724463

    rc
    Participant

    thanks for all your replies. I think Siyata Dishmaya is my only hope!!! Who on earth is going to give you answers to any of these questions(yes, i know which ones were real and which were jokes)

    #724464

    eclipse
    Member

    iluvtorah–the pushing buttons point is very true.With parents and kids,it’s the same thing.

    #724465

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    questions-when-checking-out-a-boy

    How come girls can check out the boy, but when guys check out the girl everyone complains?

    #724466

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Popa! That was way over the top.

    #724467

    dunno
    Member

    LOL popa! You really make me laugh!

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