August 30, 2011 3:14 am at 3:14 am #598991collegegradMember
I just went out with a guy 3 times and then said no. There were just certain aspects of the guy that drove me nuts – he was way too intense for me though definitely on the right page hashkaficly. I told the shadchan nice guy not for me my usual thing I tell shadchanim when I say no and she wanted a reason. What is she supposed to tell the boy? Um when guys say no to me after 1 2 3 dates its usually the same generic line nice girl not for me or shes not what I’m looking for. I never get reasons from guys and nor do I want who needs the insults. I never once had a shadchan that demanded a reason what she should tell the boy, it was only 3 dates. If I was that boy I would rather the generic nice guy not for me than o the girl thinks ur too intense. Do you ppl give/get reasons when u say/receive no’s?August 30, 2011 3:29 am at 3:29 am #803853MiddlePathParticipant
I would much rather know the real reason someone said no to me than a generic, non-personal one. I want to know WHY the person doesn’t think it’ll work. Giving a cliche, non-personal reason doesn’t allow the rejected party to understand exactly what was bothering the other person, and doesn’t allow them to improve in areas they may need improvement in.
And I never went through a shadchan. I’ve always had open communication with the girl herself, which I am so much more comfortable with.August 30, 2011 3:36 am at 3:36 am #803854am yisrael chaiParticipant
A shadchan may wish to know the reason so that he/she may choose a better fit for you in the future. It also gives the shadchan a better idea of who you are and what is important to you. It also gives the other party an idea of how that dater is coming across to others, which may be an impetus to change.August 30, 2011 3:44 am at 3:44 am #803855collegegradMember
I totally get a shadchan wanting a reason for her/himself to set me up on target in the future and a lot of times I tell the shadchan I’m looking for someone not as yeshivish, with more personality etc. However in this specific case the shadchan wanted a reason to tell boy. When boys say no to me its generally nice girl not for me or I don’t see it going anywhere. I don’t get nor do I want specific reasons why guy said no if it was just 1 2 3 over.August 30, 2011 4:11 am at 4:11 am #803856be goodParticipant
I agree with collegegrad. There is no need for a reason beyond NGBNFM (Nice Guy/Girl But Not For Me).
If, in a later discussion, a shadchan that I am comfortable with wants to know more details so that the next shot can be closer to bulls-eye, I might consider doing that.
But usually, going into details, ends up making you sound like you are badmouthing the person and there is very little that can be said that will not be taken offence with by the other side.
Another reason not to give a more specific reason is because as soon as you do, (whatever the reason is) the shadchan will try and persuade you that you are wrong and that you should go out again.
If a shadchan is pushy with demanding a reason- you need to just keep on repeating that you can’t put your finger on it, but you are 100% sure that he is not for you.
It’s a shame singles are not ever entitled or encouraged to go with their gut instincts… but that is another story….August 30, 2011 4:33 am at 4:33 am #803857sof davarMember
You can give a real reason without insulting or bad mouthing the other party. The way to do so is to focus on yourself and not the other person by using an I statement. For example, in place of “He is too intense”, you can say “I am looking for someone a bit more easy going”. Instead of saying “She was too quiet”, say “I am looking for someone who is more talkative”. Phrasing it this way makes it clear that the other person does not have a problem and would make a fine shidduch for another person, they are simply not the one for you.August 30, 2011 4:35 am at 4:35 am #803858bein_hasdorimParticipant
The only reason to give a reason is if the Shadchan doesn’t know what you’re looking for. If the reason would insult the other party, it should be kept to oneself. Just telling the Shadchan it wasn’t for me, not my type should be enough.August 30, 2011 4:48 am at 4:48 am #803859TweetTweetParticipant
There’s no reason why you should need to give a reason. It’s not fair for a shadchan to push you for one. I also sometimes feel uncomfortable giving reason for a no. However I have noticed that giving a reason usually gives the shadchan a better understanding of yourself. I’ve had it many times where after I gave a reason, that same shadchan came back with a much better suggestion. So while it’s uncomfortable, it may just help you out.August 30, 2011 3:55 pm at 3:55 pm #803860ToiParticipant
not kiday. you may end up looking petty or too exacting. if it was his acne and it bothered you a toooon, someone else might not be so bothere and think you were nit-picking. stick to generic answers unless its someone you trust that wants to set you up again.August 31, 2011 2:39 pm at 2:39 pm #803863yungerman1Participant
I kinda see both sides.
The shadchan wants to know to be more on target which future shiduchim, and the one was told no wants an explanation to better know what they need in a spouse.
On the other hand, you dont want to embarass anyone, and if you say s/he is too frum or not enough, too quiet/loud etc.. the shadchan may go to the other extreme.
Often, after spending many hours with someone one on one with few interruptions you pick up on subtleties which when expressed in words may seem harsh or severe and taken the wrong way about both parties involved.August 31, 2011 3:13 pm at 3:13 pm #803864TomcheMember
Perhaps a solution is to tell the shadchan no, let her advise the other side no with a canned reason, then afterwards (maybe a week later) give her a better reason for her purposes only that won’t get back to the other side.
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