May 26, 2011 12:55 am at 12:55 am #597099gefenParticipant
I’ve been told that when you want to redd a shidduch, you should/must check with the boy’s side first. The reason for this is that if he says no – then the girl’s feelings will be spared. What about the boy’s feelings? If he says yes and she’s not interested in meeting, wouldn’t he feel badly?
Anyway is there really a proper protocol regarding this?
I have a daughter “in the parsha” (just started) and a couple of times, we were asked first before the boy was asked.
Also this daughter likes to try to set others up and she’s not sure which side to contact first.May 26, 2011 1:28 am at 1:28 am #771597cshapiroMember
Ive set friends up with the good guys ive dated and once after telling my friend how amazing he was, the guy said no, so I told my friend that he was busy….May 26, 2011 1:39 am at 1:39 am #771598SacrilegeMember
Clearly with all the ‘proper protocol’ something isn’t working.
The main thing is that your daughter is thinking of her friends and she should have siyatta dishmaya, protocol or not.May 26, 2011 1:47 am at 1:47 am #771599aries2756Participant
Yes it is customary to speak to the boy first. And yes the boys get hurt too, but since the boys get more calls than the girls, there is a much higher risk of the girls getting hurt much more often.May 26, 2011 1:56 am at 1:56 am #771600popa_bar_abbaParticipant
It is like aries says.
Since the boys get much more calls, the girls usually say yes after the boy does. But when a girl says yes first, she usually gets a no in response.
So people get hurt when you call the girl first.
Also, the boys often don’t get hurt. They just cross the name off and move on to the next one. There are always more (they think).May 26, 2011 2:02 am at 2:02 am #771601mybatMember
I always ask the boy first, after he says yes we ask the girl. If she agrees then we recontact the boy and he calls her directly to go out.
By the way I introduced my brother in law to a girl and they just got engaged yesterday! 🙂May 26, 2011 2:25 am at 2:25 am #771602aries2756Participant
mybat, Mazal Tov!!! Tizku L’mitzvos!May 26, 2011 2:39 am at 2:39 am #771603gefenParticipant
mybat – mazal tov!
have anyone for my daughter? 😉May 26, 2011 4:04 am at 4:04 am #771604ursula momishMember
Mazal tov to all of you! May you be zoche to make many more successful shidduchim and may all of them build bnbYs, etc. etc.May 26, 2011 4:17 pm at 4:17 pm #771605
I have a friend who keeps gettign redt shidduchim by the one lady who asks her before the guys. she is so hurt every time the guy says no. I wish I could call her up and tell her that she is causing my friend untold heartache and its just not fair. I wish she would call the guys first and THEN call the girl. Dont make it harder for us pleaseMay 26, 2011 4:25 pm at 4:25 pm #771606shlishiMember
Why does it bother her that a guy she never saw in her life doesn’t want to date her?May 26, 2011 5:05 pm at 5:05 pm #771607Aishes ChayilParticipant
The reason you speak to the boy first is because boys generally are not as sensitive as girls are!May 26, 2011 5:06 pm at 5:06 pm #771608
its just hard to hear every other day that someone said no to youMay 26, 2011 6:23 pm at 6:23 pm #771609miritchkaMember
@ adorable, but on the positive side, at least someone is thinking of her and not only that, she comes up with names!! All single girls should be so lucky!May 26, 2011 7:41 pm at 7:41 pm #771610yossi z.Member
Boys definitely get hurt too even IF they think that there are more girls. I would know. That is all I am saying.
*zuberman*May 26, 2011 9:02 pm at 9:02 pm #771611
its harder for the girls to get over it than the boys. they have other ppl to move on to while the girls might notMay 27, 2011 4:18 am at 4:18 am #771612oomisParticipant
Boys do get hurt, and sometimes even when they do go out, the girl acts in a foolish or unmenschlech way. Yes, the GIRL.May 27, 2011 5:32 am at 5:32 am #771613MiddlePathParticipant
As Aishes Chayil and Adorable said, generally, girls are more sensitive than boys, and therefore, when rejected, would take it harder. Because of that, if one is dating through a shadchan, it seems logical to make sure the boy is willing to date her before she hears about him. However, there obviously can be exceptions to that; Not all situations are the same. Same thing with the concept of boys having more dates than girls. While this is generally the case, it definitely isn’t always. There should not be only one procedure for everyone. Analyze every situation and then make a decision that would produce the healthiest outcome.
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