Home Forums Shidduchim References

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    Hi Everyone,

    I’m new to the parsha. How many references should I put on my resume? My problem is I sort of a quiet guy. I have a few close friends and also basically no extended family thats frum. So I don’t have that many people that know me well. I guess I can ask people I’m freindly but not close with, but I just feel weird. Who does one pick as a reference and who not?

    Also if anyone has any tips in s-resume writing I’d appreciate it


    Kol Tuv


    Are you referring to a shidduch resume? If you are i suggest you put on the rav of your shul (if he knows basically who you are and your family type) Maybe a close neighbor who can also give info on your family type. Find at least ONE friend who can give info on you. A teacher, Rebbe that you were close with….B’Hatzlacha!


    Name,Address,Home Phone,Parent’s Cell(s),Your Cell,Email Address

    Age, Date of Birth ,Hgt


    H.S.,Seminary/Yeshiva/Beis Medresh,College/Graduate School


    Presently,Past Year(s),Past summer(s)

    Community involvement/Chesed/Volunteer work

    Camp, Name,Bungalow Name

    Shul, Rabbi, Phone number



    Sibling- name, age, what they do?(school, college,etc.),spouse’s name(if applicable)

    each sibling

    Machatonim- Name,Phone number (if applicable)

    Grandparents-maternal/paternal sides, names,where they live,

    Parent’s siblings-maternal/paternal sides, names,where they live,


    Name,phone number

    Rabbi/Rav,Family friends,Teacher/principal from seminary/yeshiva/ H.S,Friends preferably married,Co-workers

    It’s important when you choose references be careful to choose people you trust and really know you well!! Also try to choose people who are good speakers- the key is that the people calling should be impressed with you!

    Looking for spouse who is:what s/he should do (learn/work), personality, character traits that are important to you etc.

    Looking for Family who is: characteristics, qualities etc.

    What are your plans:(optional) job plans, life goals etc.

    What kind of person are you:(optional) talents, hobbies, personality, character traits, how others describe you etc.


    Are you looking for a job – then it is a resume with references. If you are looking for a shidduch, then it is your personal profile and people who know you. I apologize, but this is a real pet peeve of mine. I LOATHE when people treat shidduchim like another job hunt.



    I agree 100%. In addition to the fact that references are pretty much pointless – I mean, the names are being put on the resume because it is assumed that good information will be given.


    I once called a reference who told me piles of terrible things about the girl. She didn’t seem to like her very much so I asked why she had been put as a reference. She told me that they were good friends but had gotten in a big fight.

    ok. I made it up.



    well, dont laugh, a shadchan told me to remove one of my refrences b/c this person was giving neg. info.

    go figure!!


    if its a shidduch resume, give people who know you well, who you trust will give good info. You don’t HAVE to give toons of references. I think youre rav, a rebbi or two. and a friend/2 is more than enough.


    I’m with oomis. When it comes to shidduchim, the only reference you should list (boy or girl) is the rov / rebbetzin of your primary shul.

    p.s. – if you don’t have a primary shul (in most cases, this is the one you daven at on shabbos / yom tov) then by all means. GET ONE! If you daven at 10 different places, then no one (perhaps not even yourself) really knows you.

    If you’re talking about a job resume, your former co-workers or supervisors will do. Most people however, write “referneces available upon request”.

    Besides, a real good shadchan (or parent) will do their own research, so the person you list is the not as important as you think. It makes a statement (that’s why I favor the rov / rebbetzin) but in the end, the real info comes from homework.

    Either way, Hatzlocha Rabbah!


    Poppa, I know someone to whom this actually happened. They thought the person liked them, but they were wrong. I know, because I was the other friend of the family who was called for info. The mother of the boy who was asking about the girl I know, told me stuff she had heard from the other “reference” (OY, I hate that word), and I had to play spin doctor (the negative info was about a family member, not the actual girl being redt), because the girl is an absolute doll, and a wonderful shidduch for some lucky boy, but the family member is problematic in some respects, at times. The shidduch did not go forward beyond one date, unfortunately, but it was not because of any information given out by “references.”


    @ oomios:

    I was always told by my parents and teachers alike to call the friend/person I’m using as reference first to ask them if they’re ok with being a reference for me. This should be able to prevent mistakes like you mentioned, with people saying ill things about you..for if they have negative feelings toward you chances are they won’t agree to be a reference (they’ll get out of it in some polite way like “i don’t feel comfortable, always blank on the phone..wtvr).

    Also, on a side note, a friend of mine once told me that whenever she agrees to be a reference for someone, she takes 5-10 minutes and writes down the things she admires in the person she is being a reference for, as well as nice anecdotes and basic information on the girl.She then has this paper in front of her whenever taking a shidduch call…this helps in giving over straight clear information.

    Good luck to everyone in the “parsha!!”

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