Rejecting after date

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    To all those of you who are involved in shidduchim, which gender do you find is more likely to say no after going out. Obviously sometimes it’s the boy and sometimes the girl but which do you find is more common.


    Its a 50/50 chance every time.


    For sure:- Always the girl!!


    As father of girls, I would say most of the time it’s the boy, which considering the numerous resumes their mothers collect, it would be no wonder they may not strongly consider a particular girl for another date.

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕

    More often the girl.


    Having 3 girls and 2 boys. Both boys married, one girl married, the second girl’s chassanah is set for before Pesach (3rd girl too young), that our girls rejected a second date more times than our sons.

    It became blatantly obvious to our daughters that the dates had been led to believe that I was to be their meal ticket, something our daughters loathe.

    This is not to say that I would not offer to support the couple for a period of time in the beginning of their marriage. BUT this is an offer for me to make, not a request/demand/condition to be laid out to a young lady on a first date.


    CTL: You seen to favor marrying your children within the same socio-economic class as yourself.



    I think that a family is more comfortable when there is not a huge difference in socio-economic and education levels.

    The new entrant to a family who comes from a lesser position should not have to feel uncomfortable about their circumstances or should their parents be forced to put on airs or go to expense they can not afford to keep up with the new in-laws. Also true, is that my child should not have to hide his/her wealth if marrying into a family of lesser means. If my son is the recipient of a large diamond that has come down thru the family, as well another jewels and sterling, etc. why shouldn’t his wife feel comfortable wearing and using them? She won’t if they are much bigger/better than those of her mother/sisters etc.

    I don’t flaunt my money. My home is not the most expensive in the neighborhood. I don’t buy a new car every year. I don’t live above my means and give accordingly. BUT, no one should assume marriage is an automatic entree to my pocket.

    This is not to say that I’d have a problem with a prospective SIL whose parents are of limited means. I would not expect him to go into great debt to put a ring on my daughter’s finger of same size and quality as her other sister wears. That said, he should not presume on a first date to negotiate his future support. If and only if there was interest on the part of my daughter and he passed the parent sniff test should this topic be broached.

    I got a call from a rebbi at a yeshiva my 2nd son attended years ago. He told me that our family name was being circulated as a good catch because I had money, only 3 daughters and could easily afford to support a son-in-law and grandchildren. I found this offensive. The rebbi then said that he advised baal baatim such as myself to never buy a named space in the yeshiva…no brass placque on a classroom, etc., as that would make my children targets of wealth seekers, rather I should give anonymously.

    I thanked him for his advice, but explained that my zaidy, Z”L taught me we had an obligation to show our name on donations to encorage those we know to make similar gifts. The rebbi replied: Make the donation in memory of or in honor of someone in the family and leave off the name of the donor from the placque.


    It’s the boy! They have so much more to choose from that they can easily dismiss a young lady that isn’t exactly what he wants. (Or his mother…another argument). For the girls…not so much. They don’t have such a big pool from which to make a selection.


    Its a 50/50 chance every time.

    Of course it isn’t. The fact that there are two choices does not make the chances 50 50 unless that is the only fact you know.

    Ceo’s of fortune 500 companies can be men or women. If you’re about to meet a ceo you don’t know, is there a 50 50 chance?

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕

    It’s the boy! They have so much more to choose from that they can easily dismiss a young lady that isn’t exactly what he wants.

    It’s a good theory (and is in fact true before dating), but once they meet, it’s more often the girl who says no.


    I would think that the girl is more likely to say no to a second date than a boy, but a boy is more likely to say no going forward. I am not saying this based on any evidence; it’s just a feeling. Take it or leave it.


    Wait… so does that mean I don’t have a 50/50 chance of winning/losing the lottery either?

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕

    Not if you know the winning numbers but won’t play them anyhow.


    I don’t have my own answer answer to the OP, but according to one of the more ‘famous’ experienced shadchanim whom I know personally:

    Before first date- the boy

    After first or second date- the girl

    After that- 50/50

    Burnt Steak

    Most people will probably say that its the other gender. Each person will have a different personality. Boys and girls can both be picky.

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