restaurant on first date???

Home Forums Shidduchim restaurant on first date???

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  • #1761082

    devny
    Participant

    so I went out last night on a first date with a guy and he took me to a restaurant!! Like, hello, don’t you know not to do that until maybe like 3rd or 4th date?? it was so embarrassing! and it was in brooklyn so I thought I’d forsure know someone there! I was terrified the whole time. of course I just smiled and pretended everything was fine cuz i finally got a date, but i told the shadchan that was NOT OK.
    did this ever happen to u? i really need to know cuz i don’t know what to say if we should continue dating or not!

    #1761404

    rational
    Participant

    I don’t think you are mature enough to get married

    #1761415

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    So last night was Wednesday night so it is more likely than not that he didn’t take you out for cholent to show you off to his chevrusah. Be careful what you wish for since the next guy may take you to a 7-11 for a slurpee.

    #1761417

    devny
    Participant

    ummm thats not helpful, and im already 22 so people consider me an older single

    #1761425

    funnybone
    Participant

    It is ok.
    I would give four scenarios, please let us know if one fits.
    1. He assumed that you just came home from work and was hungry. Keep him, he’s a nice guy!
    2. He comes from a wealthy family and doesn’t mind splurging on a first date. Sounds good!
    3. He’s a new dater and doesn’t know the rules. Not a reason to say no.
    4 He’s not so yeshivish and doesn’t care about yeshivishe dating rules. That decision is yours!
    Keep us updated! Pun intended!

    #1761426

    Meno
    Participant

    Milchig or fleishig?
    What did you order?
    What did he order?
    Did he leave a big tip?

    There are too many details missing from this story to answer your question.

    #1761429

    iamavig
    Participant

    “Cuz I finally got a date”…You are 22. You didn’t “finally get a date”, you just “had a date”.

    Also, to think that a guy would actually spend money on a first date, and take you out to a restaurant, isn’t something that needs to wait for a third or fourth date, contrary to whatever false information someone is putting in your head.
    If a guy wants to go somewhere nice, why would you turn that down?
    And if someone you know actually sees you on a date, and you get embarrassed to be seen with that person…then you shouldn’t be dating him.
    Dating isn’t embarrassing, it’s called being an adult.

    #1761440

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    There’s nothing wrong with going to a restaurant, but both should have some input in the decision.

    #1761449

    Amil Zola
    Participant

    Your outrage is duly noted. I don’t know who makes the rules up about where one goes on a first, second or eleventh date. And I certainly don’t understand your outrage. Please explain it. As to being 22 and single, my honest advice is get a job, work for a few years, save some $$ and then consider ‘dating’. You have a lot of growing up to do. If you got married this week it would be reasonable to expect you would be a mother within your first year of marriage. That thought is frightening to me, considering how shallow you are.

    #1761447

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    I was terrified the whole time. of course I just smiled and pretended everything was fine cuz i finally got a date,

    I wonder why

    #1761446

    30 year ago this was normal.

    #1761442

    MDG
    Participant

    I liked to take girls to restaurants. Table manners are important to me.

    _——-_———-_——

    “it was so embarrassing! and it was in brooklyn so I thought I’d forsure know someone there! I was terrified the whole time.”
    ” im already 22 so people consider me an older single”

    You are too concerned about what people say/think about you.
    Do you want a relationship with a young man or a supposed societal image?
    Right now, you seem to prefer the image thing (which may all in your mind).

    #1761445

    Yankelle
    Participant

    I agree with your sentiment but at 22 you don’t have the luxury to be so choosy. If that is the only big problem you have from the date, then I think it’s worth trying it again.

    #1761473

    Joseph
    Participant

    I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. You looked famished so I switched the GPS from the park to the restaurant. I didn’t realize you’re anorexic until I saw your order at the eatery. Next time we’re going to the lobby and we’ll get soda.

    #1761476

    Grey matter
    Participant

    I do agree with some of the answers. I don’t think it unusual that you are surprised by a guy doing something out of the ordinary in your circles. I think it’s a incredible that some very “mature” people are being nasty to you for absolutely no reason. And I’m sure they all would be ashamed to talk like that in person. But it’s ok to be extremely nasty (unjustifiably ) over the internet.

    I think you are new here, let me explain. The “nasty” is not directed at the complaint, it is a special tone reserved for troll posts and their posters.

    #1761480

    Neo-Chossid
    Participant

    It is so funny that I am reading this because I went on a first date with a girl from Brooklyn last night, and I also took her to a restaurant! Now I did it because I figured it was possible that maybe my date wanted something to eat, and also because it was out of Flatbush (where she is from) so I figured it wasn’t such a big deal. I don’t typically do first dates in hotels, so that is why I picked the place I picked. It would be so funny if you are the girl I went out with (or not funny lol).

    #1761482

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    MDG,

    Thanks for wording what I was trying to say so eloquently

    #1761485

    lakewhut
    Participant

    Did you like him? Part of being mature is realizing that you are looking for your shidduch. You aren’t in school. The guy should have known not to take you to a restaurant where you live/might bump into people.

    #1761488

    Ayelets
    Participant

    What exactly is wrong?

    #1761541

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    I guess I’m missing something rather fundamental. What is wrong if some of your friends see you out on a date?? Isn’t that better than their thinking you are sitting at home with no prospects? Are you worried that the same bochur might also be dating other girls in your town?

    #1761550

    takahmamash
    Participant

    “30 year ago this was normal.”

    Ha! 30 years ago this August I went out with the young lady who became my wife. She lived in Flatbush. We went out, on our first date, to Bernstein’s. (I didn’t live in NY, and that was the only place I knew.) It was a Monday night, so the place was empty. Afterwards we went over to South Street Seaport and sat and talked until some early hour of the morning. We were married the following June, and still B”H married 29+ years.

    The moral of the story: there’s nothing wrong with going to a restaurant on the first date.

    #1761551

    Joseph
    Participant

    It is the proper tzniusdik thing to take steps to avoid being seen with your date by acquaintances.

    #1761553

    Sam Klein
    Participant

    Amil Zola

    As to being 22 and single, my honest advice is get a job, work for a few years, save some $$ and then consider ‘dating’.

    In regards to this .message of yours. In yiddishkeit everyone knows that no matter how poor C”V a person. Money should never hold back a person from getting married.

    Faith in Hashem regarding livlihood or any issue for that matter is for a totally different chat a different time

    #1761571

    devny
    Participant

    all I wanted was advice on what to say to the shadchan, no need for all the insults!!
    srsly, i’m just a a regular by girl who isnt used to going out to restaurants with boys! i need something a bit more chilled first, like a lobby or a walk around the park or something. and i totally didnt have a say in where we were going, the shadchan just told me when he’s gonna pick up. i didnt know what to wear or anything so i dressed up nice and im glad i did cuz it worked for the restaurant but for real, i just wasnt comfortable you know?

    and btw i have a job, im an assistant teacher, been doing it for 2 years already so lots of experience, and i do hope to support my husband so he can learn, of course my parents will help out a little.

    Based on the posts you made with your other screen name I would have to question your being ‘regular’

    #1761575

    rational
    Participant

    I hope the assistant teaching job you have is in lumidei kodesh, and I hope your parents are very wealthy.
    Otherwise, your English skills are so poor that I doubt that you would be able to support a learning boy for very long.

    #1761578

    yehudayona
    Participant

    Good luck supporting your husband on an assistant teacher’s salary.

    #1761601

    bk613
    Participant

    You hope to support your husband in learning as an assistant teacher?
    I think you should switch the last 2 statements. It should say something like: My parents will support my husband in learning, and my job as an assistant teacher will help out a little (with a heavy emphasis on the little)

    #1761579

    devny
    Participant

    good point, im not a regular by girl, im a bas melech! and every bas melech is a diamond, as my sem teacher said. thanks for the confidence booster!! 🙂

    more likely a bored teenage male making fun of the shidduch system and for some mind boggling reason there are sane posters buying in to it.

    #1761621

    iamavig
    Participant

    Constructive criticism vs. being mean.
    Some of you are just mean.

    #1761649

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    more likely a bored teenage male making fun of the shidduch system and for some mind boggling reason there are sane posters buying in to it.

    Suspected as much but wanted a go for the laughs

    #1761641

    takahmamash: the unwritten rule back then was not to go to “Shmulks” or “Weiss’s” in Brooklyn on a first date.

    devny: all I wanted was advice on what to say to the shadchan. The truth. Just like you told us. I was not expecting to be taken to a restaurant, i was taken aback as I was not used to this. I may have not been at my best because of this.

    #1761660

    lakewhut
    Participant

    He should have clarified to you when you got into his car that he planned on taking you to a restaurant. It isn’t something to cancel a shidduch over.

    #1761788

    adocs
    Participant

    Joseph,

    “It is the proper tzniusdik thing to take steps to avoid being seen with your date by acquaintances.”

    Why?

    #1761804

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    good point, im not a regular by girl, im a bas melech! and every bas melech is a diamond, as my sem teacher said. thanks for the confidence booster!! 🙂

    There’s your problem. You’re a diamond! Your place is not to be dating these types of guys and become a kallah. Your place is on a kallah’s finger.

    #1761903

    Joseph
    Participant

    adocs: Because a guy and girl going out together isn’t something others should know (unless for tachlis), let alone see, since even though it is for tachlis of potential marriage and as such permitted, it isn’t for the world to know since it isn’t tznius outside of potential marriage.

    #1762202

    yehudayona
    Participant

    Joseph, I don’t understand why it’s OK to be seen in a hotel lobby but not in a restaurant. People go to restaurants to eat. People go to hotels for a variety of reasons, some of which are less innocent than eating.

    #1762355

    LAmother
    Participant

    Maybe it’s the” like…hellooo!!!!”! I’m like THANK YOU THAT WAS DELICIOUS

    #1762480

    yehudayona
    Participant

    LAmother, could your translate that into non-teen speak?

    #1763342

    Goldilocks
    Participant

    Certainly, YehudaYona.
    Devny’s reaction to being taken to a restaurant was, “like, hello?”
    AMother was pointing out that a more appropriate reaction would have been, “Thank you, that was delicious”.

    #1763388

    Amil Zola
    Participant

    I wonder if this man drove in a vehicle alone with the woman in question after dark. Please note the pronouns I’ve used, man, woman. That’s because I believe that boys and girls are a bit too immature to consider marriage. I accept that there are those who would beg to differ.

    #1763473

    Joseph
    Participant

    Anil: What are you implying about referring to after dark?

    #1763585

    motchah11
    Participant

    Anil: When I was single, I used to resent the women who opined that a man should wait until he’s, say, 24, before getting married. I was suffering as a single. Furthermore, Chazal say “ben sheminag esray lichupah.” Are we going to push up the year for a bar mitzvah too, because “today’s boys are less mature?”

    #1764428

    Amil Zola
    Participant

    motchah11: Please clarify the point you are attempting to make. Are you criticizing my use of pronouns? Certainly feel free to call the female a girl if it makes you feel any better and the male a boy. I just find it rather stupid and inaccurate.

    Jos: I find among many frum, an unrelated woman and man alone in a motor vehicle after dark is frowned upon

    #1764432

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    Let the young man and young woman communicate normally and mutually decide where they want to go on their first date and ignore all this meshugaas about who might see them and whether they have drinks, eat a full sedudah or simply walk around Central Park Lake . No wonder the younger generation is becoming so stressed out with all these well-meaning shadchanim, parents, prospective future in-laws and most importantly YWN CR baalabatim providing musar about something incredibly important but personal to them only.

    #1764478

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    It’s amazing to me that people are still responding seriously to someone who was exposed a troll (if it wasn’t obvious enough on its own…).

    #1764486

    Joseph
    Participant

    Amil, the frum (and even the very frum) don’t differentiate before dark or after dark, regarding this, any more than the non-frum. Unless, perhaps, the darkness is a hindrance to the couple’s being seen whereas that isn’t the case in daytime.

    Motchah’s point was to not try to push people into waiting to get married (even for the reason you cited.)

    #1764490

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    DY: I don’t think anyone is responding to the clown who posted the original question..after the third of fourth post, .it has morphed into a generic exchange on first date protocols.

    #1764504

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Maybe you’re on a different thread

    #1764543

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    If I were looking for a wife (I’m not, I’m happily married over 25 years), I would have no problem taking a woman to a restaurant for a first date.

    I guess it’s just because I’m an unrefined boor.

    The Wolf

    #1764541

    Whatsaktome
    Participant

    A man and woman together alone in a car at night on an empty street could be a prob of yichud, if the street is not empty or its day it’s not a problem

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