Role Reversal in Shidduchim

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    I am an approximately 21 year old girl in shidduchim.

    I have been out with a number of boys and some have gone quite the distance only to end in disappointment. I am currently seeing a most wonderful young man for close to 2 months including numerous double digit hour dates. I feel certain that he is my bashert. He however, in my opinion is taking too long to propose and I feel that if it goes much longer without a proposal from him, he may over-think the situation and decide to pull back. He has indicated to me that he really likes me, and ultimately would like to spend the rest of his life with me. I am being pressured by my parents to call it off due to his indecision but I really want to marry him. My parents don’t have any objection to my marrying him but they want to protect me and not have me be strung out and eventually heartbroken. My question is: what do you all feel about a little role reversal? Meaning, can I propose to HIM? I have no doubt he will say yes and it is so clear to me that this is just what the situation is calling for…Please let me know if this is realistic or I am totally crazy…


    I wouldn’t exactly view it as a role reversal, if you told him you are ready to get engaged.

    That is to say, if you frame it that you are proposing, it may be a bit off-putting. But if you tell him you want to marry him, and are ready to get engaged, and ask him how he is feeling about it, that seems like good relationship communication.

    just me

    Micro, that is where the role of a shadchun comes in. Your shadchan should go to the young man and ask him what is going on.


    Double digit hour dates is a bad idea regardless.



    Just me is correct

    One of the roles of the shadchan is to make sure that both sides know where the other is holding. Why is he not proposing? Is there something concerning him? Is he afraid of commitment? Does he have cold feet?

    The shadchan here should lay things out for you, as well as for him. He needs to be instructed that he is dating a girl who is ready to become his wife, but he is also dating a girl who is close to walking away, do to his inaction.

    Best of luck, and please keep us posted, often in the CR we never get to hear the conclusions of the stories


    I don’t exactly agree about the shadchan, but it kind of depends on your community’s style of dating.

    It seems to me that by the time you are thinking of getting married, the shadchan’s role is no longer to be a go-between, but just to give sage advice to either and both of you. It seems funny to me that you’d be thinking of getting married if you aren’t comfortable telling him that you are thinking of getting married.

    But again, it depends on your community’s style. If you are a 5-6 date community, and it isn’t really expected that you’ll have much of a relationship before getting engaged, then perhaps the shadchan would still have a go-between role.


    Both “popa bar abba” & “Just me” hit the nail exactly on the head, and are 100% correct in their advice & response.

    “Iced” is totally incorrect. Such long dates, are the best way to weed out a person with problems. Just about anyone can put on a show for a couple of hours. No-one can put on a show, for such an extended amount of time of 10+ hours, and if indeed the fellow has some problem, it will surly surface in an extended date, and give that you “micro” are still interested in him after such a long date, implies that highly unlikely that he is hiding a major flaw from you.


    I wouldn’t propose. I would ask him, at which point would he feel comfortable to propose? Is there anything that you could do to help speed up the process? You really like xyz about him and would love to spend the rest of your life with him. What would it take? (maybe that is called proposing…) Good luck!! Let us know if there’s good news!

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