Home › Forums › Shidduchim › settle?
- This topic has 23 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 10 months ago by hanib.
May 16, 2011 11:18 pm at 11:18 pm #596927SeahorseMember
I always thought I’d meet the one somehow . . . but now I am a bit older and I seemed to have missed the boat. I am dating someone nice, but he is a bit older and I don’t get “butterflies” from him. Now I am more confused than ever . . . if I don’t feel infatuated, should I still date someone with the hope that I will one day fall in love? At what point should one settle for someone they are not crazy over?May 16, 2011 11:33 pm at 11:33 pm #767907Pac-ManMember
You shouldn’t expect to get butterflies or infatuation and be crazy over the person you will marry. These things come after marriage for most people.May 16, 2011 11:35 pm at 11:35 pm #767908ZeesKiteParticipant
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Follow the Torah’s advice, you won’t go wrong! ! !May 16, 2011 11:38 pm at 11:38 pm #767909MindOverChatterParticipant
Do you like him? Do you like his language, midos, character, actions? If the answer is yes, I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about. (Don’t jump to a decision, of course)
First of all, when you fall in love, you don’t necessarily like the person (you may like their appearance). I think love is blinding (I’ve seen it happen with me). So in a way, you’re lucky to look at it with clarity.
Secondly, do you know him? You may think you do. But it’s nearly impossible to really get to know a person in a few short dates. When you live with someone and get to know their true values, you may end up really loving and respecting them for who they are even if you didn’t have “butterflies” at first.May 17, 2011 7:53 am at 7:53 am #767910
Rabbi Pliskin in 2 of his books has good questions that you should ask yourself on marriage. i think, begin again now, and maybe, the one about knowing yourself.
but, here’s some to start with:
1) do you have similar hashkafos?
2) are you UNattractive to him?
3) is there anything inside of you telling you to stay away or something like that? does the thought of spending time with him make you feel sick?
4) while you are with him, do you enjoy yourself? do you like what he brings out in you?
5) are you comfortable with him?
if you answered yes to 1, 4, and 5; and no to 2 and 3, then i’d say it sounds good to me.
butterflies in stomach and stars in the sky do not necessarily make good marriages and are not necessary for finding one’s bashert.
just, one more thing, if do decide to marry him, don’t keep thinking that you’ve missed the boat. once decide to marry someone, it’s your obligation to assume that he is your bashert and not to spend time thinking of possibilities that probably would or could never happen.
oh yeah, i would also add, do you respect him?May 17, 2011 1:05 pm at 1:05 pm #767911
do you look forward to your dates with him?May 17, 2011 1:43 pm at 1:43 pm #767912ZachKessinMember
Also do you want similar things in life? For example if you want to make Aliyah and he doesn’t (Or vice versa) it would be a problem. But even within the USA there is in town vs “Out of town” and general life goals. These are things that need to be figured out.
And if your gut is going “NO DON’T DO IT” then don’t!May 17, 2011 2:53 pm at 2:53 pm #767913Pac-ManMember
And if your gut is going “NO DON’T DO IT” then don’t!
And if your gut is going “YES DO IT” then do it!May 17, 2011 3:00 pm at 3:00 pm #767914TheGoqParticipant
If you feel he is beneath you and that you would be settling dont marry him a man doesnt need his wife looking down on him you will come to resent him in the end.May 17, 2011 3:07 pm at 3:07 pm #767915adorableParticipant
I think most ppl dont have butterflies when they meet a guy (unless its nervousness) for a few short dates. They just convince themselves that they love him but how can you love someone that you dont live with and know really well? I think that as long as you are not un-attracted to him you should go with it.May 17, 2011 5:14 pm at 5:14 pm #767916yeshivabochur123Participant
So many shidduchim are broken off because one side doesn’t feel chemistry or love. Love comes from years and years of shared experiences and living together day in day out for many years, seeing each other every single day. You are not going to get that in a few dates. The “butterfly” love feeling is really just lust. The question you should be asking yourself is whether if you try really hard and he tries really hard to make it work you think it could work out. If the answer is yes get married if not then move onto the next guy.May 17, 2011 5:30 pm at 5:30 pm #767917bptParticipant
I cannot see where the word “settle” comes into play (unless its the neighbors / friends that you need to satisfy).
Do you have a 10 point check list? Not a problem; we all do.
Do you measure up to every 10 point check list out there? Impossible; none of us do.
So what’s the soliution? See if the majority of your list is satisfied, and the remainder can be worked on over the course of your marraige.
True, you will not be able to work on getting a 6’2 spouse if you take someone who is 5’7. But is the height really that crucial?
Are the middos in order? The work ethic what you want?
Sounds like you have a winner!May 17, 2011 5:45 pm at 5:45 pm #767918SacrilegeMember
Its a good thing that you arent infatuated, infatuation is skin deep and isnt based on anything substantial and doesnt last.
Not everyone is a ‘fireworks’ kind of person. You need to know yourself. Personally, I am an all or nothing kind of person with everything, if my heart doesnt skip a beat when trying on shoes/clothes I wont buy it.
Do you find yourself looking forward to seeing him, or are the dates more of a hassle? You dont need to get engaged after 6 weeks, DATE HIM! Relax, no pressure, let it be easy, develop a relationship and see where it goes.May 17, 2011 6:37 pm at 6:37 pm #7679196HZ1W3JParticipant
do some math lady, settle! u shoulda settled years ago… like when you were youngMay 17, 2011 7:24 pm at 7:24 pm #767920
can we turn this around for a minute?
all you posters who think it’s a good idea to “settle” for someone–
how would you feel if you found out your spouse felt that way about you? That they married you because it was time to get married already and you seemed basically “good enough”?
Marriage should be about more than just the desire to not be single. You should really want to be married to THIS person if you marry him, Seahorse.May 17, 2011 7:31 pm at 7:31 pm #767921SacrilegeMember
You seem like a nice person.May 17, 2011 8:14 pm at 8:14 pm #767922yeshivabochur123Participant
Shrek, after you are married it doesn’t matter if you settled or not. Everybody settles on something. Nobody’s perfect. The ones who don’t settle don’t get married, thats why theres a shidduch crisis.May 17, 2011 8:30 pm at 8:30 pm #767923adorableParticipant
if you think you are settling though then dont go into it you will always think you could have gotten betterMay 17, 2011 8:58 pm at 8:58 pm #767924umMember
there is noone perfect in the world and there will ALWAYS be something you will settle for but make sure it is something you can live with NOONE is perfect! and noone will meet your mental image…May 18, 2011 4:11 pm at 4:11 pm #767925
There is a big difference between knowing that the person you are marrying/married to is not perfect, and feeling that you “settled”.
“settling” implies (to me) that you feel you really are wishing for someone different or better. going into marriage with the attitude that your spouse is second-rate is a recipe for disaster.
Before you make a lifetime committment to another person you must be honest with yourself! Ask yourself, can I really accept this person as he/she is? will I always be wondering if I should have held out for better?May 18, 2011 8:38 pm at 8:38 pm #767926whatrutalkingabtMember
If the only thing thats bothering you, is that you dont feel butterflies than you shouldnt feel like you are settling. There is nothing wrong with not feeling butterflies. Most married peoplel will tell you that the love comes after the marriageMay 19, 2011 3:12 am at 3:12 am #767927
the love comes after marriage?
it deepens after marriage.
but there can (& should) be feelings of mutual affection and attraction before the couple decides to marry. along with respect, common goals, etc.
Obviously this would only apply to couples who go on dates & get to know each other before engagement, as opposed to couples who get engaged based on a different system (b’shows, etc.)May 19, 2011 7:05 am at 7:05 am #767928
sacrilege: very funnyMay 19, 2011 7:07 am at 7:07 am #767929
it’s not settling, like others said, if you like the person, enjoy being with them, am not un-attracted to them, have similar values, and respect them. and nothing inside of you is telling you to stay away.
that’s called – making a wise decision.
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