shaala for the rabim

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    so BH im remarried.

    my ex was abusive to our kids and myself.

    facts of which were known.

    however people even though they know about that still honor my ex. such as inviting to simchas etc.

    why do people honor an abuser?

    is this misplaced chesed?

    Lilmod Ulelamaid

    First of all, I would imagine that there are people who have a different perspective than you do on the situation. They may be wrong; that is something I have no way of knowing and can’t possibly have an opinion on. But the fact is that in any divorce situation, there are always people who have a different take on the situation. In some cases one is wrong and one is right, in some they are both wrong, and in some cases, they are both right. But that is the reality in just about any divorce (or any situation involving people and relationships and conflicts).

    I know you say the facts are known. But I don’t know what that means. Known by who? Known how? Were these people witnesses? If not, they don’t know. And even if they were witnesses, they may have thought there were extenuating situations or may not have perceived it as abuse.

    Lilmod Ulelamaid

    Second of all, even if they do consider her to be an “abuser”, inviting someone to a wedding is not honoring them. The fact that someone has a problem is not (necessarily) a reason to make them outcasts. Maybe they feel that they can help her this way.


    This is not a place to ask such a question


    OP: Why the obsession trying to insure your ex isn’t honored or invited to simchas? It’s time to leave your bitterness behind you. That means not being bothered if your ex is invited to a bar mitzvah or chasuna.

    That above point is true even if your characterizing of him, as you described above, is all accurate. Additionally, your bias may be preventing you from seeing the past objectively in assessing whether that characterizion is accurate.


    AJAnon: I’m sorry to hear about your ex’s abuse, but I’m glad to hear you’re remarried. May Hashem bless you and your family with shalom bayis and refua shleima from the abuse you all have suffered.

    Regarding the title of your post: I highly doubt there are rabbis who regularly post in this forum who are asked shailas in real life (offline) — such people are too busy to be posting here. Consider asking your Rav or someone like R’ Shais Taub this question, if you feel you need an answer from someone qualified to answer it.

    That said, I agree with LU’s second post. In any case, hatzlacha rabba!


    I agree with Joseph

    (Is that against the rules of the CR?)




    yytz, I think she meant rabim as in public.



    Good question. Probably an oversight.

    Lilmod Ulelamaid


    You’re right. For some reason, I thought he said it was his wife. I don’t know why (maybe I assumed AJ is a boy’s name, because all the AJ’s I know are men).

    It wasn’t until I read Joseph’s post referring to a “him” that I went back and reread it and realized no gender is given.

    I wonder if my post would have been different if I hadn’t assumed it was an exwife and likewise if Joseph’s would have been different if he hadn’t assumed the opposite.


    Mine wouldn’t be different.

    Lilmod Ulelamaid

    That’s great. I’m not sure if I can say the same.


    Part of the reason may be that as a woman and divorcee she is left out and her husband is included and invited to more simchas and such.

    At least that’s what I have heard from other divorced women, including those with abusive ex husbands.

    Lilmod Ulelamaid

    LB, If you speak to divorced guys, you might hear a different story. There are guys who are divorced from abusive wives who are shunned by the community who are often more likely to take the wife’s side.

    It probably happens both ways, and I have no idea which is more common. I do have the impression though that often people are more likely to take the wife’s side.

    In this case, the OP did not complain about not being invited to simchas, so it doesn’t sound like that’s the issue.

    and btw, we don’t know if the OP is male or female. Why are you assuming it’s a she?

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