Shabbos in Middle America

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  • #601622

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Does anyone know how to keep shabbos in Middle America?

    What’s different?

    Will I have to marry my sister? Because she’s not here.

    How does country l’cha baby go?

    Should I cover my Connecticut plates? Should I put my car on blocks?

    Is it ok if I drink scotch instead of moonshine?

    #1021841

    zahavasdad
    Participant

    Seriosuly Ive been in some of those places and there are no sidewalks AND the drivers speed.

    You need to bench Gomel when you cross the street in these places

    #1021842

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    AND the drivers speed.

    no, no. That was me.

    #1021843

    dvorak
    Member

    I think what you’re describing is more Deep South than Middle America 🙂

    #1021844

    Sam2
    Participant

    I think he means West Virginia. That belongs in the Deep South by culture anyway.

    #1021845

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I’m practicing.

    Chuck Norris can come to shul during leining and still make borchu.

    Chuck Norris gets Kohen and Shlishi.

    Chuck Norris can say the prayer for the medina even in Satmar.

    Chuck Norris eats the herring and cholent at the kiddush at the same time.

    Scotch has a shot of Chuck Norris after the gefilte fish.

    Chuck Norris eats cholent friday night and his wife doesn’t notice.

    Chuck Norris can eat shaleshudes even during the winter.

    Chuck Norris sings Baruch Keil Elyon and doesn’t die of boredom.

    Chuck Norris can say kiddush levana even when it is cloudy.

    Chuck Norris does not miss vayechulu after shmone esrei of maariv.

    Chuck Norris can get his CR posts approved even while it is still shabbos in America.

    Will that be enough to tide me over, or do I need more?

    #1021846

    writersoul
    Member

    Zahavasdad— you’re from Brooklyn, aren’t you?

    #1021847

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Is Middle America like Middle Earth?

    #1021848

    squeak
    Participant

    No, the short people aren’t hobbits and the grotesque ones aren’t orcs. Its just inbreeding.

    #1021849

    Chuck Norris…

    …is not very good at following halacha.

    #1021850

    YW Moderator-42
    Moderator

    Would you throw candies at Chuck Norris’s bar mitzvah?

    Chuck Norris can be Sandek and Mohel at the same time – while taking pictures at his own bris.

    Chuck Norris can lein while being the gabbai rishon and gabbai sheini.

    Chuck Norris can sing a beautiful kedusha without taking forever.

    Chuck Norris can daven at Chabad and still make zman krias shma.

    #1021851

    wanderingchana
    Participant

    PBA doesn’t know the difference between Middle America and the Deep South, or any other region of the U.S. for that matter.

    #1021852

    wanderingchana
    Participant

    Chuck Norris’ wife eats cholent Friday night and *Chuck Norris* doesn’t notice.

    #1021853

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    wow. what did I do to prompt that?

    (FYI- I’ve been in over 30 states.)

    #1021854

    gubbish
    Participant

    Chuck Norris says tachanun on his left hand…even with tefillin on.

    Chuck Norris can do Hagbah and Gelilah…with one hand

    Chuck Norris throws candy at the kehila on his bar mitzvah

    Chuck Norris davens at the latest minayn and does daf yomi

    Chuck Norris wears a kippah srugah and a black hat

    #1021855

    147
    Participant

    I am much more interested to know how:- When to keep Shabbos in Japan? New Zealand? Hawaii?

    #1021856

    gubbish
    Participant

    oh tht reminds me,

    Chuck Norris lives in Alaska, AND davens bizman.

    #1021857

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Bump. Back in middle america for shabbos.

    #1021858

    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    Regards to Chuck.

    #1021859

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    I like the Chuck Norris jokes.

    #1021860

    I’ve been in New Zealand for shabbos. Pretty cool knowing you are of the first people to experience a given shabbos.

    #1021861

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Very offending thread for people who actually grew up in middle of america!

    DUH they hqve sidewalks, and no, we did not have a farm

    #1021862

    rc
    Participant

    i;m curious to know what you consider “middle America”

    #1021863

    E-O-M
    Participant

    I’ve visited the Jewish communities of middle America. Plainly- They are not much different than the smaller town communities in the tri state… The difference is they may come off as more American in their demeanor despite being extremely devout/religious Orthodox Jews… The reasons could include the fact that they are 5th,6th generation or have lost count. They live surrounded by Christian Americans, far from the Jewish metropolises of the east and west coasts. Also, the moral fiber of their gentile neighbors is of a much higher standard as well, so there is seemingly no harm in adopting the American mannerisms to a certain degree.

    Hats off to these communities who are serving HKBH in these remote areas- it’s much harder for them without the landau or the 17 kosher restaurants on one block. Some of them only have a small butcher/grocery store and that’s IT. One city i go to has NOTHING. Literally nothing. They make do with shipping food from the nearest community.

    So to answer the question- I’m sure shabbos is very holy in these towns and probably freezing cold for about 75 percent of the year.

    #1021864

    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    My son spent shabbos in Marshall, Indiana. That’s pretty middle america.

    #1021865

    lesschumras
    Participant

    Just curious. Why is it OK to ridicule these people?

    #1021866

    gefen
    Participant

    lesschumras – IT’S NOT OK! Thanks for asking.

    popa – Are you meeting midwesterner in starbucks again? Maybe we can all have a cr get together there. BTW – we’ve installed sidewalks since you’ve last been here. 😉

    #1021867

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    no, chicago is not middle america.

    I was in scranton. Scranton is middle america.

    #1021868

    gefen
    Participant

    popa – yeah ur right. we are the midwest, not middle america. my bad. hey I’m from new york, what do i know about the rest of the country? 😉

    #1021869

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    No ohio is in middle…..

    PBA you have this strange personality to offend everone in 1 way or another

    #1021870

    rebdoniel
    Member

    I would not wear a kippa in Middle America. I once spent a shabbos in Bend, Oregon, and wore a baseball hat, tucked in tzizit, etc. I did wear the motel room keys on a bendel, but nobody noticed that.

    #1021871

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    bend oregon is way different than scranton. Scranton has a yeshiva, a kollel, a couple of shuls, and an old frum community. You can wear a kippa there no prob.

    #1021872

    rebdoniel
    Member

    Scranton has a frum community, and I wouldn’t think there is much need to venture beyond those daled amos on a typical shabbos.

    By Middle America, I thought you were referring to places that may not have many Jews. I was there for medical reasons.

    #1021873

    chofetzchaim
    Member

    • Chuck Norris shlugs kapparos with a cow.
    • Chuck Norris fasts the entire aseres yemei teshuva. (Actually, this is a real minhag- but he doesn’t eat at night.)
    • Chuck Norris klaps “al cheit” with brass knuckles.
    • Chuck Norris says all of the extra piyutim in the back of the Artscroll machzor And still has a 3 hour break.

    • Chuck Norris’s sukkah is made from actual Ananei HaKavod.
    • Chuck Norris is makpid not to breathe outside the sukkah.
    • When Chuck Norris bangs his Aravos, it measures 6.3 on the Richter Scale — 50 miles away.
    • Chuck Norris does backwards hagbah on all 3 Torahs at once, while holding up all 4 sides of the tallis chupa.
    • Chuck Norris holds his Lulav and Esrog, his Machzor, the Torah, and cell phone – All at the same time. In one hand.

    #1021874

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Can Chuck Norris grow an esrog that he can’t break the pitum off of?

    #1021875

    Sam2
    Participant

    PBA: The Rambam would say no, that’s a logical impossibility. A few of the Geonim would say that of course he can. (True story: I capitalized the “h” in the word “he” in that sentence before remembering that I was talking about Chuck, not God.)

    #1021876

    chofetzchaim
    Member

    Chuck Norris’s hadassim and aravos stay perfectly green and whole for all 7 days.

    #1021877

    Scranton may be remote, but it is definitely not Middle America. We have driven through it many times en route to upstate NY– it’s a great place to stop for a minyan on the way if you time it well.

    #1021878

    147
    Participant

    Does anyone know how to keep shabbos in Middle America?

    Yes! By studying the 4th of the 10 Commandments.

    #1021879

    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @PBA – I’d think in Middle America, the people are a bit taller.

    Why do people think America equals Planet Earth? (Just like in Doctor Who, everything always happens to England.)

    Btw, Poppa Bar Abba, I am convinced that you are a time lord. And since there’s only one left, you must be the Doctor.

    #1021880

    squeak
    Participant

    Will chuck norris be in middle america this shabbos? I’ll let you know.

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