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HELP!
A friend of mine told me about a a boy looking for a shidduch, she described him to me. I thought of a very close family friend that has wonderful daughter available. I called my friend and asked her if she ever heard the name. She was excited about a new name and proceeded to find out info. Apparently, she did not like the info she heard. Now she is insulted that I read her such a shidduch.
I feel terrible, I really did not know the boy.
She has no right to be mad at you all you did was give her a name it is her responsibility to check it out, if you ask 10 people about john doe bochue 5 people may say good things and the other 5 negative.
You did your job. Its hard to quantify the feelings this other person might be experiencing now… You just gotta keep your head up, Woah
Did you tell her that you didn’t really know the boy?
That is so petty. I don’t know why people are so bizarre.
My daughter (who will never date popa) and I just got back from a wedding. There were two different shadchanim there who went around from table to table with a local person asking them about each of the girls (name, rank and serial numbers, I presume). It may have been a nice idea, but they were standing in close range of each table, pointing to a girl and talking in undertones, then pointing to the next. Definitely not what I would call appropriate social skills. My daughter thought it was creepy.
Uh oh, I just realized this is post is off topic. Sorry.
It’s fine this time but please don’t let it happen again
if you didnt know anything about the boy other than the few points you heard 2nd hand, you should clarify that when you suggest it, so the mother in this case could find out more basic facts before spending a lot of time on a non-match. If you did, and it just turned out to be not appropriate for her daughter, then she should thank you for your efforts and thinking of her!
Syag, this is the coffee room. You’d have to apologize if you posted on topic.
Imho, you shouldn’t suggest a shidduch without having any idea if it’s shayach. You’re just wasting people’s time and possibly insulting them.
Torah613 – L’Hefech. If I hear a bit about a boy and I think of a friends daughter, I can spend a bunch of time “looking into him” just to find out that she can start “looking into him” as well. Why not say that I just heard a little bit about this boy and you are welcome to see if it is shayach. That way she can find out what she wants to know and I don’t have to spend hours asking questions from people that would have to be verified and elaborated on.
Torah, I agree with Syag. Halevai there should be enough people who know both parties well to redt shidduchim, but there aren’t, and people need to suggest names and then have research done.
I hear you DaasY.
But I’m giving my vote to Torah6 on this one.
Emphatically, strongly, totally agree with you, Torah613 !
Imho, you shouldn’t suggest a shidduch without having any idea if it’s shayach. You’re just wasting people’s time and possibly insulting them.”
And I DISAGREE. Ideally, you should have known about the boy before redting the shidduch, but there is still a level of hishtadlus that the girl and her family could also do, and having done so, decided it was not shayach. End of story. If people always hesitated to mention names because they don’t personally know the party, no one would get married. THIS IS CALLED NETWORKING. We need to relax a little. And certainly no one should be offended.
In my dating years, my Rebbetzin suggested a shidduch to me of a member of her family, whom she had not seen in over a decade. Because it was my Rebbetzin, I said yes. The boy took his yarmulke off as soon as we got to our destination. When I questioned him about it, he said, he never wears it in public unless he is eating, because of the Goyim. I told him he was perfectly safe in my neighborhood and in general, in those days, but ended the date relatively quickly (he wasn’t for me anyway even if he had kept the yarmulke on), and told the Rebbetzin that although he was a nice person, hashkafically there was a serious issue, and she might want to check further before setting him up again. I was not insulted. She meant well.
In those situations I am not even offering to act as shadchan, I am simply making them aware of a boy that is worth their time to look into. If they choose to pursue it, they can either bring the name to the shadchan they use, or they can ask me to find a resposible party who knows him. To hear a name and not mention it at all would be silly.
Thank you golfer.
My opinion is that unless you’ve met both the boy and the girl, however briefly, you shouldn’t be the shadchan. Take it or leave it.
You can put people together just because they’re male and female, but your success rate will be very low compared to friends and family.
T613, my shadchan did not know both of us.
I hope you or golfer aren’t my wife.
DY: Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Doesn’t mean it’s the best use of shidduch energy.
In fact, a broken clock is correct twice a day, while a working clock is probably never correct.
My opinion is that unless you’ve met both the boy and the girl, however briefly, you shouldn’t be the shadchan. Take it or leave it.
If you re-read the circumstances I gave you will see that I was neither offering to act as shadchan, nor redting two people because they are male and female so your disagreement is misplaced.
Hearing enough about someone to believe they MAY be shayach, and passing on the name to the parent is hardly suggesting two random humans.
T613, I agree that a suggestion from someone who knows both parties might make more sense to follow up on, but suggesting research based on some vague information is hardly a waste of energy.
DaasY, if you only knew what a good cholent I make you wouldn’t hope I’m not your wife.
Oh, sorry, that was a different thread.
Also, you keep on contradicting yourself. When you say, “you shouldn’t suggest a shidduch without having any idea if it’s shayach. You’re just wasting people’s time and possibly insulting them.”, and, “unless you’ve met both the boy and the girl, however briefly, you shouldn’t be the shadchan” you are being absolute.
However, when you write, “your success rate will be very low compared to friends and family” and, “Doesn’t mean it’s the best use of shidduch energy.” you imply as I wrote, that it’s not a total waste.
I know a lot of people with successful marriages whose shadchan didn’t know both the boy and the girl, I just used myself as an example.
Don’t feel bad you did the best you can. All that matters is that you tried making a shiduch:)
DY, I didn’t mean to make it sound black and white.
Generally speaking, I think a shadchan should have met both before setting it up.
But I won’t rule it out because, as you note, sometimes it does work. Hashem has many ways of splitting the sea.
Torah – which is what I just said:)
Poster: if someone tells me that a shidduch they or someone they know went on didnt work out, i always say its one step closer to their basherte. If you feel you need to say something to this person, you can always tell them that B”H you found out this info now and that they are now one step coser to their bashert!
Syag Lchochma: Isnt popa-bar-abba female? Oh wait, he admitted that he was asking as if he was his wife, which makes him unavailable for your daughter anyway…May you share good news about your daughter soon, bshaah tovah um’tzlachas…
Torah613Torah and golfer: I agree to a certain extent that people shouldnt just throw 2 names together for a shidduch. However, have you never heard of someone being impressed by a girl’s smile and positiver personality, and then setting them up with a boy that they just met at a function who reminded you of this girl due to his pleasant personality? Believe it or not, many shidduchim happen this way.
Shidduchim come about in many ways and for many reasons. NEVER discount the POSSIBILITY of a shidduch that you hear about. Let’s all get real and understand that given today’s crisis, NO avenue should be disregarded without good cause. And the person who heard negative things about the suggested person, should have remained open-minded as to what the negatives were. Is it that the boy goes to the “wrong” yeshiva or (OY) works for a living, or does he have a major character flaw? Those are very different issues.
Oomis, you’re very lucky that when you dated the boy your Rebbetzin suggested, he took his yarmulke off. A lot of people with serious problems (religious issues, health issues, emotional issues and others) don’t make such a clear display of them on a first date (or unfortunately sometimes even a tenth date).
A shadchan looking out for the welfare of the person they’re suggesting dates to, should at least try to be informed before they redt the shidduch. A lot of shadchanim will sing the praises of the person they’re redting without knowing any details, just to “make the sale.” They’re so excited to set up a date that they”ll cheerfully go ahead and say whatever they think it takes to get a yes.
If the shadchan is completely open about having almost no info and redting the shidduch solely on the basis of a hunch, while warning the recipient of the suggestion to investigate carefully, then there’s no harm done.
And if Poster would have approached her friend by saying that she was suggesting a boy’s name but had only heard of him in passing and didn’t know the boy or his family at all, she might have saved herself a headache.
golfer +1. I 100% agree with everything you said.
miritchka: However, have you never heard of someone being impressed by a girl’s smile and positiver personality, and then setting them up with a boy that they just met at a function who reminded you of this girl due to his pleasant personality?
Yes, exactly. If they’ve met, however briefly, I think it’s fine.
Oomis, you’re very lucky that when you dated the boy your Rebbetzin suggested, he took his yarmulke off. A lot of people with serious problems (religious issues, health issues, emotional issues and others) don’t make such a clear display of them on a first date (or unfortunately sometimes even a tenth date).”
I agree, but he was her mishpacha, and she had every reason to expect that religiously he was as she remembered him. If someone close to our family, but who had not seen us in a few years, were to call me about one of my children and ask if he or she was still shomer Shabbos and mitzvos, I would be highly offended. She had no reason to suspect her nephew was doing such a thing. Once I mentioned “hashkafic issues” and she knew he certainly had not gone more Yeshivish, she came to realize that his behavior bore greater scrutiny before setting him up with anyone else.
The OP ONLY mentioned the name to the girl. It was up to the girl to check things out further, if that was her wish. Certainly she should have NO tainah to the OP, who in my opinion, was very caring to think of her friend, even if it might not have been so shayach in the end. That’s because it just as easily MIGHT have been VERY shayach!!! I wish people would stop standing on ceremony and being insulted all the time by people who are usually well-intentioned. The road to Olam Haba is paved with good intentions.
oomis +1
Torah613Torah: meeting someone briefly doesnt really give you info on the person. I went on a shabbaton with my sister a long time ago as a babysitter for her kids. A lady saw me watching the kids in the playground and told my sister she was very impressed by me. ?! She didnt even know my name! She didnt even talk to me! She asked my sister if I was dating and if she could set me up with her relative (dont remember how the boy was related to her). I was still in high school so it wasnt nogeiah. My point is as follows; your post said “Generally speaking, I think a shadchan should have met both before setting it up.” I think and know that many many shidduchim have come to be due to impromptu suggestions. One should not disqualify a date due to lack of knowing more info on the boy/girl.
Afterall, many shidduchim happen through FAMOUS shadchanim, who often times met the girl and boy for 3 minutes each. – they definitely do not know anything about either side, other than the superficiality of each of them (if they even accomplished perceiving that….)It’s not like they KNOW either side. Everything is min Hashamayim. It can come from anywhere.
I ran into a BY girl, gave her the name of boy.
I ran into a BY girl, gave her the name of boy.
How was I to know, when she checked him out his mother was a goy.
The BY girl’s so mad, she thinks I don’t know a goy from a Jew.
She used to be my best friend, now she don’t know what she’s gonna do.
I lost my good friend, I got the Shaddchan Blues.
Shadchan Blues – isn’t that a song by the Altman Brothers Band?
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