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I think it is so so undescribably horrible that some shadchanim take up to 10000 dollars – that’s TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS- before they even redt any shidduch!!!! Why is this accepted??????? Why??? The chutzpah of these people is mind boggling!
Apparently it’s a lot of work.
If it’s worth it people will pay. If it’s not they won’t get any business.
Supply and demand.
Never heard of such a thing in my life. I think you need to find other shadchanim to go to -unless of course, these shadchanim are so amazing that you are practically guaranteed to find your zivug, in which case it might be worth it to try to raise the money.
I only remember being charged once or twice just to meet the shadchan, and it was a relatively minimal amount – maybe 100 shekalim, or something like that.
First of all, do you actually know of a Shadchan that won’t redt a shidduch before receiving 10k?!? I highly doubt that! I’m in this field and I’ve yet to hear of such a price!
Second of all and this is my main point if what you say is true.
Question: Ever thought about why they might be doing such a thing?
The answer is pretty obvious and is also the real thing that you should be calling ‘Chutzpah’ and ‘Mind Boggling’! How many times does a shadchan work on a shidduch for hours and days and barely gets a thank you, forget about any compensation at all?!? How much does a Shadchan get when he/she actually is successful?!? Yes sometimes nicely, but at least 50% of the time, one gets very little compared to how much work and effort went into it. The shadchunas people give these days on a whole is TOTALLY unacceptable!
Can that maybe be a reason why a shadchan would take money like this before redting a shidduch? Of course!
I only charge $5,000. You can reach me through the mods.
Do shadchanim take money upfront?
Are the charges for both men and women the same?
Do they do free consultations?
…PJ: I did not verify your statement as fact.
Even so, if there are shadchanim requesting $10,000 up-front, perhaps they have some guarantee that they will help you get married within a certain amount of time or etc warranty.
Perhaps they only cater to a select crowd and match people from around the world.
Some hair stylists also charge several thousand per haircut or style. That’s also a lot. Maybe by charging so much, they make themselves 100% committed to their clients.
I don’t know.
Technically the payment for a shadchan, I thought, comes after marriage. But perhaps the shadchan or shadchanit is protecting himself or herself from having the couple marry and then not pay anything for his or her services.
“Can that maybe be a reason why a shadchan would take money like this before redting a shidduch? Of course!”
Everything you are saying is true, but $10,000 is extreme. I was about to write that I never heard of such a thing, but..
a friend of mine told me recently that “matchmaking” is becoming popular in the secular world, and I think she told me that they charge a ton of money. I guess they can get away with it because there are so few of them doing it, and it is such an unusual profession, unlike in our circles, where anyone can make a shidduch and you don’t necessarily have to pay them (maybe just some kind of gift to be fulfill your halachic obligation).
Is that where you heard of this ProJew? Because I never in my life heard of such a thing and I have trouble believing it’s true. Even if there is someone like that, I can’t imagine there are too many.
L’maaseh, they can charge what they want and you don’t have to use their services.
DY, what is your success rate?
I’ll cut that in half.
$2,500.
And I’ll throw in a manicure for the young lady and a shoe shine for the young man.
And a (not leather bound) Tehillim for both sets of parents.
What’s a fair price for each side to pay for a successful shidduch?
DY, what is your success rate?
So far, I haven’t gotten anyone to pay. Maybe I should raise my rates.
What happens if they don’t end up setting up a date? Do they get to keep the money?
Golfer – Throw in a free hair straightening, and guarantee me a date with a nice, normal, Talmid Chacham with great middos, social skills, and personality, and it’s a deal.
Starting the collections now… who wants to donate for a worthwhile cause?
golfer, I’ll pay you $2,500 just for you to shine my shoes.
DY – so that means you have a 100% success rate! Nice! (0/0 = 100%)
LU, Great, it’s a deal.
Joseph, Sorry, it’s not.
Joseph – since golfer won’t take you up on your deal, can I have the $2,500 you were going to pay her to have your shoes shined, so I can get a date with a nice, normal Talmid Chacham with great middos, social skills and personality? I’ll even make it a beshow if need be.
Golfer – do you actually know anyone like that???
LU, 0%. I’ve tried to get a lot of people to pay.
DY, I meant that you were successful in marrying off 100% of the people who paid you to to so.
You’re taking this seriously, LU?
Ouch.
Sincere apologies are in order here.
Please accept mine.
I hope you’ll take my most humble, sincere, regretful apologies and my heartfelt wishes that you soon find yourself under the Chuppah with someone perfect for you, in lieu of services not rendered.
(And just so you know, those last three sentences were totally for real.)
LU, I’ll chip in double-chai for your cause!
Joseph, wow it sounds like you’re so careful to guard your eyes that you won’t even step inside a shopping mall or shoe store to get your shoes shined.
Good news, there’s an online shoe repair site where you can send in your shoes for shining. They mail them back looking brand new. It might even cost less than $2,500. You can do this all while being here in the CR too 🙂
golfer: LU is taking this just as seriously as Joseph
Golfer – don’t worry, I WAS JOKING!!!!!
I just have this tendency of sounding serious when I’m joking and joking when I’m serious.
I wouldn’t pay someone $2,500 for a date -sorry!!!
I’m not that desperate – thank you.
But thank you very much for your sincere brachos!!
LU +1 on seeing the positive in DY’s success rate 🙂
LB -thanks, I think that will cover the hair straightening, and since I’m not paying anyone to set me up, that is all I need :).
(yes, I’m joking. I know you are not sending me $36).
Joseph wasn’t serious?!?
But if anyone really does know any nice, normal, emotionally healthy, intelligent, Talmidei Chachamim who have great middos, social skills and personality and you don’t charge $2,500 for a date, I don’t mind hearing about it. You can be in touch through the moderators.
Please check your emails mods, for the nice, normal, emotionally healthy, intelligent, Talmid Chacham who has great middos, social skills and personality that I redt for lilmod.
Golfer, lol.
It must be really hard for a shadchan to meet someone who is perfect for one of their clients and yet that person cannot pay the fee.
How does that work? Would the shadchan feel guilty holding back a match? Has anyone ever been in this position as a shadchan?
I met one shadchan in Boro Park who charged 10,000$. We didn’t pay, so he never redt me anything, but he’s made some very wealthy shidduchim.
Considering the thousands of dollars I paid in travel, clothing, grooming, etc. over the years (I was younger when I met him, older when I got married), I wonder if I had forked over the cash, perhaps I would’ve saved myself $ and found a wealthier spouse – win-win. Oh, well.
The pricy shadchanim frequently charge the big bucks to the girl while they charge little or even nothing for the boy. This is probably a result of there being a notable number of more girls in the shidduch parsha than boys, thus making boys more in demand.
That’s an idea: if the shadchan charges an exorbitant amount from the onset, the parties will be more pressed to take the shidduch offers, that the shadchan had spent hours on, more seriously. Instead of being so quick to reject a shidduch, the two sides may consider going on another date to get their money’s worth out of the shidduch. Perhaps the shadchan should charge per shidduch offer.
Lightbrite – there are many shadchanim who don’t insist on getting paid. Some don’t charge, and others only take money if the people can afford it. Someone I know interviewed a shadchan who said that sometimes when the couple is poor, he gives the money back as a wedding gift.
Other shadchanim tell you straight-out before you meet them that they charge x amount of money. So if you can’t afford it, you don’t go to meet them. You don’t have to go to that shadchan and you don’t have to go to a shadchan at all.
I was really annoyed by one shadchan who called me out of the blue having gotten my number from someone. I wasn’t interested in meeting her or didn’t have time, and she kept pressurring me. When I finally agreed, she told me that she charges a certain amount of money that I didn’t have.
I told her I didn’t have that amount of money. She mentioned that she has a lower rate for people who can’t afford it, so I was like, “great”, but then she told me that it’s only for baalei teshuva because they are poor. So I tried to explain to her that I was also poor, but she couldn’t understand how it’s possible for an ffb to be poor, and she kept insisting that I couldn’t possibly be as poor as a baal teshuva.
The whole thing was really upsetting. Don’t keep pressuring someone to meet with you and then tell them that you charge money! Actually, it’s usually the ones who charge who pressure me like that.
yw613: Charging per shidduch offer is a great way to pressure the less-wealthy into marrying whoever just because they cannot afford to meet the right person.
From what posters shared on this site, and my experiences of being set up, there is already enough pressure to make it work with the wrong person (emotionally unhealthy/etc/identifiable-concerns).
I think that the shadchanim should send those who are not ready or have other issues to therapy or give them direction on how to prepare themselves for marriage.
Even if he or she has the money to pay high shadchan fees, it doesn’t help those who are serious, ready, and healthy for marriage to go out with unavailable wealthy individuals.
27 years ago, the shadchanit I used charged $1,500. She set me up with one girl. I got engaged to the girl 3 months later, and married her the following spring.
takamamash – Did she charge you $1,500 just to meet her, or was that the fee for actually introducing you to the girl you got engaged to?
Traditionally, halachicly and normatively, (unless pre-agreed otherwise, which by far is the exception) shadchanim are only paid for a successful shidduch that results in a marriage.
takahmamash +36
I had one aggressive shadchanit who kept setting me up with unsuitable boys and then pressuring me like, “How can you say ‘no’ when you haven’t met him? Talking on the phone isn’t enough.” Then it was “How can you say ‘no’ when you’ve only met him once? You need to meet with a boy a few times to get to know him.” Then it was “How can you say no NOW, after you’ve gone out with him so many times? It was very unfair for you to string him along.” I realized afterward that she just wanted her shadchan fee. If I would have understood from the outset I would have said “Here’s $500. No pressure. If you make my shidduch, you got your fee in advance. If not, it was a gift. Don’t bother me.”
takamamash – Did she charge you $1,500 just to meet her, or was that the fee for actually introducing you to the girl you got engaged to?
I’m a bit hazy on the details (after all, it was over a quarter century ago), but let me see if I can reason this out. It wasn’t just for meeting with her, because I didn’t pay her up-front. IIRC, the deal was that she would set me up on dates for a certain amount of time, maybe 6 months. I would either pay her after 6 months, or after a successful shidduch. I wrote out the check before the wedding, and either gave it to her at the wedding or during the week of sheva brachot.
I should also mention (as I’ve mentioned on other CR threads), the shadchanit did not actually know the girl she set me up with. The girl did not live in Baltimore, but had a friend, and the friend’s sister lived with the shadcahnit’s family while she went to BY. The friend’s sister spoke all the time about her sister’s friend in her hometown . . . and that friend eventually became my wife. The shadchanit didn’t meet her in person until we were engaged.
Takahmamash – why would you pay someone $1,500 just to set you up for 6 months? Most people do it for free.
Was she davka known to be a really good shadchan?
Takahmamash – why would you pay someone $1,500 just to set you up for 6 months? Most people do it for free.
Was she davka known to be a really good shadchan?
1. My roommate highly recommended her, and,
2. I wasn’t really getting so many dates by relying on my friends.
Obviously, it was worth it in the end!
I don’t know if shadchanim account for inflation in their current costs, but here is thread from 5yo… sounds like 1-1.5k is somewhat common:
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/shidduchim-a-phase-or-a-life
Some posters explained that the cost also depends on the age and circumstances of the client.
Interesting. I just found a shadchan website: KESHER SARAH
It has a form to fill out or you can email Kesher Sarah.
It doesn’t mention prices. One can fill out the form right now, if one wants. Though guessing that maybe there is a fee for at least some clients.
Is it safe to just give out one’s info like this? It’s not like there is a Better Business Bureau (BBB) or Yelp for Shadchanim.
I guess that’s why takahmamash went with someone who had a good word-of-mouth reputation.
When my daughter got engaged, both sides paid the shadchanit 4,500 shekels. We paid her the night of the erusin/vort. That would translate to around $2500-$2750, depending on the exchange rate, total from both sides.
My daughter had gone to another shadchanit for an interview before being set up with anybody and paid her 100 shekels for that.
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