Shadchan's opinion on lack of flexibility in Shidduchim.

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    A Shadchan just wrote the following to me in an e-mail. Do you agree?

    One of the problems with shidduchim in the Yeshiva world is that there is no shade of grey and no awareness that some of these superficial things, such as TV, clothing, etc. can be exchanged in a heartbeat for a more spiritual life and a rewarding and lasting relationship. Almost everyone here I have spoken to here about shidduch possibilities has said that if a person watches occasional TV or listens to secular music he or she is not frum enough for them. There is no allowance for change, and this leaves out many amazing marriageable people who, with the right mate, can soar and even surpass those who take their religion for granted and engage in their observance by rote.


    You can’t marry a person expecting them to change.


    Its a nice musser schmooze. If your hashkofos are deeply set, then those are not the things to compromise on. To marry a girl and expect to change her is foolish. To compromise before hand on what to you, you can compromise on, is quite wise

    ha ha ha ha

    if ppl have their asperations then good but usually ppl don’t change under the chupah…..


    It’s all because there are too many choices. Just like we have a hard time deciding which ice scream we may want today or what to cook for dinner.

    Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to have choices but it’s not good to have a mind set where we are expecting to have more and more choices.


    You can’t marry someone expecting them to change but it is a good idea to go out with the person, discuss your concerns and see if the person is willing to try. Hashkafah is definitely important in shidduchim but i think the specifics of it are far far less important than the relationship itself. if someone is kind of on your track with hashkafah but you connect in terms of the relationship (caring, feelings, chemistry, etc..), the marriage is a much better idea than if you are exactly on track with Hashkafah but not so much on the other stuff. One caveat: what I say is true for those who date in a style where they are trying to build a relationship of some sort. if you date like beshow style or 4 dates and you’re engaged, this may not apply.


    I think she was saying that sometimes the advantages of marrying someone who is 95% of what you want on the frumkeit-side and growing with that person (if the person is a ben/bas aliyah) outweigh sitting at home waiting for the 100% and potentially never finding it.


    I agree to some extent. I believe that a person CAN change albeit maybe not right away and not a huge turnaround. Sometimes, a person may want to be spiritually higher for themselves, but don’t have the proper motivation to get there. Some people know where they are in life and where they want to go, others need a little chizuk and with the right spouse that can be achieved. All of these things need to be understood before a person gets engage.

    May all be blessed and find our Zivug Hagun in the right and sweet time and may it be as soon as we like.


    if someone is more modern. (tv, movies) than from his view why would he want someone yeshivish, or something. he prob wants HIS type as well.


    Divorced Guy, each person has a range in which they are willing to fit. So one person may say no TV, but its ok if they watch some shows on the computer. Others may not want ANY TV in their house.

    Its not up to a shadchan to decide where the individuals should compromise. They will have to live with the choices.

    That being said, if a shadchan approaches you with an idea of someone who is in the ballpark but has one area that isn’t 100% to you, maybe its a good idea to broaden your horizons.


    Its especially true in cases where the single moves towards tv/movies simply because most good friends are already married and the single needs new pastimes, not because the single is comitted to always having tv/movies, etc.


    I think a number of people understood the e-mail as the Shadchan suggesting someone to me who wasn’t where I was. Actually, it was a little different. I went to the shadchan because I want a very frum girl. [And for the record I don’t watch any TV and I don’t listen to secular music]. However I was telling the shadchan that I need an “open-minded” girl who wouldn’t freak out from a guy who wanted to watch a movie with her. Not because I necessarily want to, but because I don’t want the “lachatz” of knowing that if I ask my wife one day if she wants to watch a movie she will look at me like I am a sheigetz. The Shadchan’s response was that the Yeshivish girls she works with can’t accept any shades of gray. We are talking about divorced women here in their 30s. Which is why I asked whether you agree with this Shadchan or not. Thanks.


    I think that particular shadchan works with girls than want NO movies/TV PERIOD. You need a different type of girl and thus a different shadchan.

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