Shadchanus to the Family Member
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- This topic has 15 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by ZionGate.
March 13, 2019 12:37 pm at 12:37 pm #1695248BigBRISKetParticipant
Is someone michuyiv to pay Shadchanus to a family member? Does it make a difference if it’s a cousin or an uncle? Does it matter if it’s the bochur’s side or the kallahs? Please respond fast as I am iyh going on my third date tomorrow night.March 13, 2019 1:27 pm at 1:27 pm #1695286lowerourtuition11210Participant
Yes and the relationship doesn’t matter nor whose side.March 13, 2019 1:52 pm at 1:52 pm #1695293JosephParticipant
Is someone michuyiv to pay the grocery store for milk if it is owned by a family member?March 13, 2019 3:13 pm at 3:13 pm #1695341rationalParticipant
When a mitzvah is “about the money”, it’s no longer a mitzvah, it’s just business. But if the business norm is to pay non-family, then you must pay family too. The shadchan cannot be punished for being part of your family.
Hatzlachah on your third date, I’m sure you will know all you need to know about her after this date.March 13, 2019 6:04 pm at 6:04 pm #1695603ovadyachillParticipant
I takka dont chap the sheila. it mamish doesnt shtim with regular jewish ideals. Why punish the shadchan because he is karov to the shidduch?! Hatzlacha on your date. If she’s not for you, keep me in mind.March 13, 2019 6:27 pm at 6:27 pm #1695625HarotzehbilumshmoParticipant
For a psak ask your rov. That said, there is an opinion brought down in the achronim, I believe the pischei teshiva, that to a close relative (some define a 7 kerovim) one does not have to. The reason being that a shadchim is a regular poel, a person hired to do a job, and as such the cause to be mechayiv payment is the assumption that the worker will be paid the standard going rate. But, as a close family member never expected payment and was doing as a favor no payment is due. Not sure that all accept this lhalachaMarch 13, 2019 6:29 pm at 6:29 pm #1695632
If all ends well, ask family what gift they like and get them the best you can afford. Unless they’re poor, expecting full shadchan price from family , whatever that may be, is being a chazer…… Unless you’re rich.March 13, 2019 6:30 pm at 6:30 pm #1695641
The question was: Is someone michuyiv to pay Shadchanus to a family member? You don’t write the family relationship. If the boy or girl’s father or mather is the shaddchan, then there is no chiyuv for shadchonus because chazal tell us that there is a chiyuv on the father “l’ha’si’o isha” (to mary off his son). (I assume the same applies to a mother – that she has a chiyuv to marry off her son, and I assume this chiyuv on the parents also apply to a daughter).
In other words, you don’t need to pay someone for doing their mitzvah, even if you benefit from it. (Just as you don’t pay the Kohen for duchan – giving you brochos, since that is his chiyuv).
Bays and Girls, That is today’s lesson. Be bsimcha with mishteh yayin – tomid (that is a chiyuv and halacha – for those who keep halacha).March 13, 2019 6:47 pm at 6:47 pm #1695655shtarkyid247Participant
you seem very educated in this area, ill keep you in mind when i start dating,March 13, 2019 7:11 pm at 7:11 pm #1695662
If all ends well, ask family what gift they like and get them the best you can afford.
That’s not the halacha. The halacha is that you need to pay according to the going rate.March 13, 2019 7:18 pm at 7:18 pm #1695670
Kindly show us that halacha especially for family .March 13, 2019 8:03 pm at 8:03 pm #1695673
ZG, see פתחי תשובה אה”ע נ’ ט”ז.March 13, 2019 9:17 pm at 9:17 pm #1695711
Thanks, DY, but I don’t see clear cut halacha here, and he writes about minhagim in different places, and unless I missed it, he doesn’t mention family.
In fact, I understand his opening line ( at Tes Zayin) to say, that what the Olam says that if a shadchan outright says that he doesn’t want a fee, nevertheless there’s an obligation to give him one, has no shoresh or mekor anywhere in Talmud or any posek.
If a family member redds a shidduch, it is assumed that he/she is not expecting going rate unless verbalized at the start. If he/she did not, then imho it’s not a standard shadchan case.
I don’t see extrapolation for this scenario from your Pischei Teshuva.
I feel that if my family makes a shidduch for my offspring and demands and expects full rate shadchan money , then he/she is a chazzer (te) and will cut him/her off , period. I’m not Vanderbilt and they know it.
Mentchlechkeit is also Torah.
What’s family for anyway? Bar mitzvahs & funerals?March 13, 2019 9:55 pm at 9:55 pm #1695727
In any case, he engages in interesting discussion for learning purposes, and let a posek who’s a bukee in shadchan inyanim pasken.March 13, 2019 11:06 pm at 11:06 pm #1695788
and unless I missed it, he doesn’t mention family.
You missed it. He talks about a brother in law.March 14, 2019 7:42 am at 7:42 am #1695874
Plus he adds the “efsher” if such and such happened in this particular case. It’s nice learning but no psak .March 14, 2019 7:52 am at 7:52 am #1695873
Ok, I see it, but so what,?? He discusses that the shadchan should have spelled it out, and writes “nirah lee” , and it’s a special case. You can’t pasken from here.
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