Shadchanus to the Family Member

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  • #1695248

    BigBRISKet
    Participant

    Is someone michuyiv to pay Shadchanus to a family member? Does it make a difference if it’s a cousin or an uncle? Does it matter if it’s the bochur’s side or the kallahs? Please respond fast as I am iyh going on my third date tomorrow night.

    #1695286

    Yes and the relationship doesn’t matter nor whose side.

    #1695293

    Joseph
    Participant

    Is someone michuyiv to pay the grocery store for milk if it is owned by a family member?

    #1695341

    rational
    Participant

    When a mitzvah is “about the money”, it’s no longer a mitzvah, it’s just business. But if the business norm is to pay non-family, then you must pay family too. The shadchan cannot be punished for being part of your family.
    Hatzlachah on your third date, I’m sure you will know all you need to know about her after this date.

    #1695603

    ovadyachill
    Participant

    I takka dont chap the sheila. it mamish doesnt shtim with regular jewish ideals. Why punish the shadchan because he is karov to the shidduch?! Hatzlacha on your date. If she’s not for you, keep me in mind.

    #1695625

    Harotzehbilumshmo
    Participant

    For a psak ask your rov. That said, there is an opinion brought down in the achronim, I believe the pischei teshiva, that to a close relative (some define a 7 kerovim) one does not have to. The reason being that a shadchim is a regular poel, a person hired to do a job, and as such the cause to be mechayiv payment is the assumption that the worker will be paid the standard going rate. But, as a close family member never expected payment and was doing as a favor no payment is due. Not sure that all accept this lhalacha

    #1695632

    ZionGate
    Participant

    If all ends well, ask family what gift they like and get them the best you can afford. Unless they’re poor, expecting full shadchan price from family , whatever that may be, is being a chazer…… Unless you’re rich.

    #1695641

    The question was: Is someone michuyiv to pay Shadchanus to a family member? You don’t write the family relationship. If the boy or girl’s father or mather is the shaddchan, then there is no chiyuv for shadchonus because chazal tell us that there is a chiyuv on the father “l’ha’si’o isha” (to mary off his son). (I assume the same applies to a mother – that she has a chiyuv to marry off her son, and I assume this chiyuv on the parents also apply to a daughter).

    In other words, you don’t need to pay someone for doing their mitzvah, even if you benefit from it. (Just as you don’t pay the Kohen for duchan – giving you brochos, since that is his chiyuv).

    Bays and Girls, That is today’s lesson. Be bsimcha with mishteh yayin – tomid (that is a chiyuv and halacha – for those who keep halacha).

    #1695655

    shtarkyid247
    Participant

    you seem very educated in this area, ill keep you in mind when i start dating,

    #1695662

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    If all ends well, ask family what gift they like and get them the best you can afford.

    That’s not the halacha. The halacha is that you need to pay according to the going rate.

    #1695670

    ZionGate
    Participant

    DY,
    Kindly show us that halacha especially for family .

    #1695673

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    ZG, see פתחי תשובה אה”ע נ’ ט”ז.

    http://beta.hebrewbooks.org/tursa.aspx?a=eh_x7673

    #1695711

    ZionGate
    Participant

    Thanks, DY, but I don’t see clear cut halacha here, and he writes about minhagim in different places, and unless I missed it, he doesn’t mention family.
    In fact, I understand his opening line ( at Tes Zayin) to say, that what the Olam says that if a shadchan outright says that he doesn’t want a fee, nevertheless there’s an obligation to give him one, has no shoresh or mekor anywhere in Talmud or any posek.
    If a family member redds a shidduch, it is assumed that he/she is not expecting going rate unless verbalized at the start. If he/she did not, then imho it’s not a standard shadchan case.
    I don’t see extrapolation for this scenario from your Pischei Teshuva.
    I feel that if my family makes a shidduch for my offspring and demands and expects full rate shadchan money , then he/she is a chazzer (te) and will cut him/her off , period. I’m not Vanderbilt and they know it.
    Mentchlechkeit is also Torah.
    What’s family for anyway? Bar mitzvahs & funerals?

    #1695727

    ZionGate
    Participant

    In any case, he engages in interesting discussion for learning purposes, and let a posek who’s a bukee in shadchan inyanim pasken.

    #1695788

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    and unless I missed it, he doesn’t mention family.

    You missed it. He talks about a brother in law.

    #1695874

    ZionGate
    Participant

    Plus he adds the “efsher” if such and such happened in this particular case. It’s nice learning but no psak .

    #1695873

    ZionGate
    Participant

    Ok, I see it, but so what,?? He discusses that the shadchan should have spelled it out, and writes “nirah lee” , and it’s a special case. You can’t pasken from here.

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