Shadchen's View

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  • #608516
    modchebp
    Member

    Good morning

    What ever i say now is my opinion not daas torah and please no one should take it personal.I have been a shadchen for many years and i have come to the conclusion that parents have to get a couple of things straight .Please sit down with your children and get to know them ,especially the boys.I would have to say their is not a father who doesnt tell me “my son is a metzun”,he went to the top yeshivos a very chushiva boy i need a family that will appreciate such a boy ,.As the parents say ‘He is a long term learner” I am looking for full support at least 10 years.Please parents wake up stop asking for years it sounds like a prison sentence .A boy that is a metzun you dont have to advertise years,they will find out that he is a serious masmid.Ofcourse if you will ask every Rosh Yeshiva they will say a very chushiva bochur a masmid a metzun,Parents come on wake up deep down you know what a metzyon is.I dont say a bochur shouldent stay in kollel after the chasana but i would say a very small % of boys qualify for full support and that is only if the boys parents really dont have.Parents that have a decent parnassah their is a certain amount that you are spending on your metzoun son now ,like tuition,food,clothing,spending money ,transportation to and from yeshiva ,ETC so why should it stop now! Is your boy so much more special than the girl .If he is then maybe that girl is not for you.Please be realistic .Stop thinking whats best for you and what your friends will say ,think of your children.

    My ending on this one topic

    1 speak to your children get to know them

    2Think whats best for your children not what your friends will say

    3Dont demand full support if you can be mishtatef

    #935580
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    So exactly what is your point?

    I see you saying that nobody except a metzuyan should learn for 10 years. That I don’t agree with.

    I also see you saying that only a metzuyan should ask for support for the years he wants to learn. That I also don’t agree with.

    I also see you saying that parents should know their children. That I agree with, but still don’t agree with the application here.

    I also see you saying that support should be shared between the parents if they are able. That part is worth discussing.

    #935581
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    modchebp, please split your post into paragraphs so it is more easily readable.

    Torah learning is important for all of us. We also don’t want to accept Tzedaka. We also want to do what’s best spiritually and in gashmius.

    It’s a personal decision and I agree that comparisons with other people shouldn’t enter into the equation.

    #935582
    apushatayid
    Participant

    I agree. It is pointless.

    #935583
    sharp
    Member

    With all due respect, Parents need to get to know their children and sit down with them way before they reach shidduch age.

    I agree with the Mishtatef part if it’s possible.

    The metzuyan business is ridiculous. If only the metzuyanim would sit and learn, the shuls would be empty. Just because someone is not a metzuyan doesn’t mean he can’t be supported in his learning.

    #935584
    sharp
    Member

    And thanks for putting up a disclaimer before your opinion. I’m sure it helps.

    #935585
    Yserbius123
    Participant

    modchebp: Maybe you should start on the mothers, telling them that they don’t need a daughter-in-law with “perfect” Barbie-like proportions and putting unrealistic ideas of a “perfect” girl into their sons heads.

    Or maybe shadchanim should stop catering to those same mothers and start treating boys and girls equally with no regard to yichus, money and looks.

    #935586
    sharp
    Member

    I don’t think it’s the mothers who plant those ideas into their sons heads, but they can definitely try to knock some sense in if they cared.

    #935587
    GumBall
    Member

    hey guyzzzz…just wanted 2 say hi…on a rannndoon thread…btw im looking @ some threads..OMG!! srsly bored ppl!! srry guyzzz…:):):):)!! LOL

    #935588
    apushatayid
    Participant

    “hey guyzzzz…just wanted 2 say hi…on a rannndoon thread…btw im looking @ some threads..OMG!! srsly bored ppl!! srry guyzzz…:):):):)!! LOL”

    Need I say more?

    #935589
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Hey Gumball, thanks for dropping in.

    #935590
    notasheep
    Member

    1) Parents absolutely need to know their children since often their view and their child’s view of what they need are different

    2) There is a shidduch crisis, but it’s largely self-inflicted by a general shift in attitude towards the shidduch process

    3) Highly educated girls ARE a problem – it’s not their fault that the school system sets them up geared towards careers whilst at the same time being fed idealistic views on kollel. However this is not connected to the fact that the mesivta system results in a lack of secular education. I agree with the fact that a girl who feels she is more educated than her husband cannot respect him for who he is, however I must point out that I myself completed higher education, am currently studying towards a teacher’s degree, and am married to someone who never even completed his high school exams. Does it bother me? No. Baruch Hashem he runs a successful business and I am very proud of it.

    In short, it’s peoples’ thinking that needs to change.

    #935591
    Loyal Jew
    Member

    Dear Shadchen, Am Yisrael already answered this problem: husbands learn. Wives raise children. The kallo’s parents pay. No exceptions. No difference between metziyonim and others in any of this. It has worked for 3500 years.

    #935592
    notasheep
    Member

    loyal jew – no it hasn’t. as recently as 100 or so years ago some of the major gedolim and talmidei chachomim kept jobs as well as learning. Yes, the wives raised the children. But families were self-sufficient, no matter how poor they were. Parents from neither side paid support towards the couple’s income. The idea of married children living off parents’ allowances is a very new thing.

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