shalom bayis problems
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- This topic has 33 replies, 18 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 2 months ago by Joseph.
March 11, 2021 11:51 pm at 11:51 pm #1956481
I would like to know what everyone shalom bayis problems are or were, and how you worked to overcome them.March 12, 2021 9:18 am at 9:18 am #1956560Pashut08701Participant
So I’ll be upfront and honest with you even though it may be embarrassing. My own personal shalom bayis problems started around 6 weeks in to my marriage. It was our first Friday night home together and it was time for dessert. My wife brought out the strawberry sorbet in little plastic bowls. “Genendy” I said “you know I only like mango sorbet. And also my family serves dessert on china. It is the proper way to honor Shabbos”. That sparked a major argument. We only were able to deal with it by coming to a compromise; mango sorbet in hard fancy plastic bowls. And that has been the yesod of our marriage ever since. Mango sorbet in fancy plastic bowls. It works for everything.March 12, 2021 9:19 am at 9:19 am #1956562
For years we could not see eye to eye about grilled chicken versus schnitzel. After extensive (and expensive) therapy, we worked out a supper schedule in which we compromised. On alternate weeks, we have the schnitzel my wife prefers with the side of my choice, or my grilled chicken with the side of her choice.
This worked reasonably well for years, but then one week we had a Bar Mitzvah on a grilled chicken night, which upset the balance. We are currently in late stage negotiations about how to recalibrate.March 12, 2021 9:19 am at 9:19 am #1956568
As a family law practitioner I can tell you that many never overcome their problems and it has provided me a handsome living for decades.
That said, I try to discourage divorce when potential clients come to see me. One of the first things I tell them is to ‘uninvolve’ your families in your situation. The couple’s business, strife, etc. is not the business of siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins et. al. The more others know and interfere, the less likely that harmony can be achieved.
Discussions with a competent psychologist may be helpful, BUT not therapists advertising themselves as marriage counselors. Marriage counselors often suggest ending the marriage, not fixing the problems each party has that may be contributing to the disharmony.March 12, 2021 10:08 am at 10:08 am #1956578commonsaychelParticipant
@Bored Guy, the best solution for you is to get a job or a life and stop trolling.
This is your old post.
“every time I go out I feel like the girl is not for me. I feel its unfair that I have to have a shadchon decide who I should go out with, when they are so off the mark so often. they obliviously have no idea what I want. and I feel like its an endless circle. is there a new system that could work , where I don’t need someone else to decide who I should marry?”March 12, 2021 10:13 am at 10:13 am #1956579ujmParticipant
Therapists are best for unloading your… wallet.March 12, 2021 11:00 am at 11:00 am #1956617
maybe we’ll have mango sorbet in fancy plastic bowls as a side to this week’s schnitzelMarch 12, 2021 12:20 pm at 12:20 pm #1956634GadolhadorahParticipant
Focus on the roots of your boredom and why you have such low virtual esteem that even your computer freezes up when you sign inMarch 12, 2021 12:21 pm at 12:21 pm #1956636
common saychel i’m not a troll, i’m just bringing up topics that i think could be talked about.
so yes i might have embellished my life a little so what.
little do you know i’m from ghana and stumbled on this sight when i was wondering something about the bible.March 12, 2021 12:22 pm at 12:22 pm #1956637
anyways i never said i was married in this post sorry comman nonsaichel, i think you’re the one who’s the troll here.March 12, 2021 12:33 pm at 12:33 pm #1956643🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
Commonsaychel- you seem to rush to these threads to yell at trolls and tell them to get a life. Why not just avoid the threads? Immaturity is not trolling and why do you care how they spend their time? I agree it’s a different issue if they jump into ongoing conversations with actual troll posts but going out of your way to bully posters you don’t want is really not too mature either.March 12, 2021 2:28 pm at 2:28 pm #1956657☕️coffee addictParticipant
I used to do what commonsaychel does but have grown to realize it doesn’t matter what he posts and people are smart enough to know it’s a troll postMarch 12, 2021 2:31 pm at 2:31 pm #1956662
The most important lesson can be learned when entering the house. There is an argument between Rashi and Tosfas whether to place the mezuza horizantialy or verticaly, so we place it slented teaching us tbe importance of compromise. Most shalom bayis problems can be solved by following it.March 12, 2021 4:34 pm at 4:34 pm #1956688Always_Ask_QuestionsParticipant
RebE: between Rashi and Tosfas whether to place the mezuza horizantialy or verticaly
your compromise is that you have a mezuza at the angle that nobody likes. We just put 2 mezuzot. Or you can have 2 entrances and multiple rooms with mezuzot at random angles. Or no mezuzot, as shalom bais is a bigger segulah than mezuzah.
CTLawyer: ‘uninvolve’ your families
There is another wise advice – let (mothers)-in-laws take a position to support the other side of the family in the dispute.
One old book on ethnic psychology in the chapter on Jews says that the Jewish families differ as, instead of each person following advise given to him specifically, start all discussing roles of everyone else. Like this room.March 12, 2021 4:34 pm at 4:34 pm #1956689
Therapy costs money, many therapists accept insurance. In this age of Covid most sessions are by phone and the co-pay has been waived by the insurance companies.
Here in CT one cannot get a court granted divorce unless the couple has had/counseling/therapy. In fact the court will provide counselors at no additional cost beyond the filing fee for those who don’t have insurance or cannot afford the counseling. Since those seeking divorce must provide the court with full financial disclosures (under penalty of perjury, including jail time) it is easy for the court to determine if free counseling should be offered.March 12, 2021 5:01 pm at 5:01 pm #1956700ujmParticipant
CTLAWYER: On a somewhere tangential point regarding full financial disclosure being required from all parties part of a court divorce filing, suppose one of the spouses is earning income off the books or has money that was obtained in a manner less than fully kosher, is he or she still required to publicly declare that to the divorce court, possibly self-incriminating him or herself (Fifth Amendment) or trigger an IRS investigation?March 13, 2021 7:48 pm at 7:48 pm #1956721YtParticipant
Pleeeeeeeeeease stop calling people trolls, and stop stalking them and their posts.
I’m mamash going crazy oy vey zmer
שלוםMarch 13, 2021 10:40 pm at 10:40 pm #1956789
@godalhadorah so you’re back to making fun of peoples names. you can right as many fancy words as you want but you’re still a low person.
and thanks ct lawer for the good advice.
btw harry could learn from you why is he telling his wife every comment someone in his family made.
sometimes keeping quite is the best advice.March 14, 2021 8:28 am at 8:28 am #1956905ToiParticipant
Reb Eliezer, you consistently post the machlokes Rashi/Tosfos and refer to the halacha as a compromise, and I keep posting that your are absolutely wrong. Stop it already. The reason for the angle is that the gemara says that placing the mezuzah (I think the loshon is) ‘kmin nagar” is possul. There is a machlokes what kmin nagar means, standing vertical or laying horizontal. We do a diagonal to avoid it being possul either way, not to compromise on the shittos. Enough already.March 15, 2021 11:06 am at 11:06 am #1957342
Don’t Toi with me. Mi samcha leish? Who are you to tell me what to do when I believe I am right as mentioned on the other website and you have not convinced me otherwise. If one is wrong the other is right. If you are not saying both views are wrong, it is a compromise. Why don’t we follow the right view?March 15, 2021 11:47 am at 11:47 am #1957368commonsaychelParticipant
@bored guy, bucherel, Hopefuly you will find your zivik soon, find a great Chassan teacher who will give you all the shalom bayis tips you needMarch 15, 2021 11:47 am at 11:47 am #1957369
We compromise by picking a means that is good for everyone.March 15, 2021 1:21 pm at 1:21 pm #1957391
The proof is from RMA SA YD 289,6 who says that the שולחן ערוך יורה דעה הלכות מזוזה סימן רפט סעיף ו
והמדקדקין, יוצאין ידי שניהם, (ט) ומניחים אותה בשפוע ובאלכסון (טור והגהות מיימוני ומהרי”ל ות”ה סי’ נ”ב),March 15, 2021 1:21 pm at 1:21 pm #1957392
This Mezuza vort is. like so much else, something that sounds good in a speech but doesn’t really hold water.
That’s not what a compromise is.
We are careful to fulfill both shitos with Mezuza, like in so many other areas of Halacha.
Of course compromise is good, in מילי דעלמא. Like all Midos, “easygoing” has applications both לצד הטוב and לצד הרע. It is not good to compromise on מילי דשמיא.
Compromise for compromise’s sake is not laudable. Compromise for the purpose of being מרבה שלום is good, as long as the שלום in question is רצון השם.March 15, 2021 2:32 pm at 2:32 pm #1957409
The Mechaber SA YD 289,6 says place it vertically like Rashi and the RMA mentions the Rabbenu Taam’s view to place it horizontally and says that whoever wants to satisfy both views should place it slanted. I think this is a compromise satisfying both views. The husband and wife should do things they are both happy with. Whether a compromise is concession or not does not make a difference.March 15, 2021 2:33 pm at 2:33 pm #1957412
It is a comprimise as there is an agreement satisfying and making both sides happy and there is concessiion involved on both sides by willing to give up one’s fiew for something else.March 15, 2021 4:42 pm at 4:42 pm #1957430se2015Participant
“I would like to know what everyone shalom bayis problems are or were, and how you worked to overcome them.”
My family’s minhag is to place mezuzahs at a 45 degree angle like Rama. My spouse’s family’s minhag is to place them vertically, like Shulchan Aruch. After intensive therapy during sheva brachos (during which we compromised between 3 and 7 by doing 5 brachos, but that’s a compromise for another time), we compromised on mezuzahs angles by placing them at a 22.5 degree angle. My spouse was satisfied because we compromised. I felt duped because 45 degrees is already a compromise so why should I have to compromise more. I got even by only not showering for half of the 9 days that do not overlap with shavua shechal bo.March 15, 2021 7:51 pm at 7:51 pm #1957483Always_Ask_QuestionsParticipant
Order R Pliskin’s book “Marriage” and you will get hundreds of real-life examples beating even the most ridiculous CR posts.
On limits to compromise: Kotzker asks why Hashem threw Emes to the ground (rather than Sholom) when there was a 2 against 2 machloket for creating a man? Witohut Emes, easy to do Sholom. Does not apply to home, I think, as the wife is always emes.March 15, 2021 7:53 pm at 7:53 pm #1957488
Chances are the other spouse knows about under the table or schvaze gelt and will ask why it is not disclosed.
The Family court financial documents are sealed. they are not shared with IRS or CT Department of Revenue services.
A couple can supply tax returns and then a supplementary document with other incomeMarch 16, 2021 6:15 pm at 6:15 pm #1957802emes nisht shekerParticipant
So we had a few issues and BH we were able to compromise!
1. When I first got married, I used to cut my nails kind of triangular. My wife was adamant she liked them to be straight. After some expensive therapy we agreed to compromise where I cut them with a slight arch (halfway between triangular and straight). On a positive note, I stopped scratching myself when blowing my nose!
2. I always liked eating outside for a few days in the late fall. My wife always found it too cold. Again after much therapy, we agreed to build a hut for that week and we all eat together there. Apparently, this shalom bayis issue and solution must be pretty prevalent as I see my neighbors do the same.
Anyways, thanks for asking about personal details of people’s life. I hope this is all very helpful to you!March 17, 2021 2:08 pm at 2:08 pm #1958027se2015Participant
When we first got married we disagreed over how we would leave notes to each other around the house. The underlying reason for this conflict, as we later came to understand, was that we had very different visions for our marriage. One of us wanted our notes to be written in ktav ashuri because its letters are holy, majestic and structured. The other preferred modern cursive Hebrew because it’s flowing, flexible and intimate.
After several weeks of speaking exclusively and bitterly through our personal intermediary, Hatakh, we discovered that we could communicate directly in paleo Hebrew. Ktav ivri has the advantage of being historical and holy, yet casual enough for everyday use, which reassured both of us that our hashkafos were indeed compatible.March 21, 2021 4:01 pm at 4:01 pm #1959342squeakParticipant
My wife would constantly nag me to fix this shortcoming or that bad midah, and I would never listen because she is only imaginary.March 21, 2021 4:02 pm at 4:02 pm #1959376YW Moderator-29 👨💻Moderator
Hi squeak!!March 21, 2021 7:25 pm at 7:25 pm #1959406JosephParticipant
squeak, what does your therapist have to say about it?
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