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newhusband
A few questions.
1. Was she spoiled as a child? It may be that she just isn’t used to doing anything.
2. What does she do all day? Does she keep busy or does she waste her time?
3. Is she a lazy person by nature?
I also want to say that just because she doesn’t clean doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about her home. People are complex and there can be sometimes one of 10 or more reasons why they don’t do a certain thing, or do a certain thing and its usually not what you assume at first glance. You really have to think into it and who the person is and their personality and upbringing…
Also, a marriage is not a 50-50 partnership. Get that idea out of your head if that’s your idea of it. There are marriages where the wife does 70% and the husband 30% and vice versa. Or even more extreme. Every marriage is different because no 2 men and women are the same. Everyone has different natures and capabilities.
A third thing is you can’t judge your wife for the way she is when she is pregnant. Shes a different person then. Try to focus on the way she was before she was pregnant and see if your concerns are still in line with who that person is.
Most importantly, she is your wife and you love her and to succeed in marriage you will have to compromise many times. Communication and compromise is essential to a healthy marriage. You can be stubborn and try to be “right” all the time but you will be right and your wife will be miserable and neither of you will then be happy. Always focus on keeping marital harmony even if it requires you to “give in” much more often then you would like.
WIY is asking an important question. What does she do? In my first year of marriage, my husband and I were both working full time. He insisted that I clean the house. I explained that that was simply out of the question. He insisted that it’s a wife’s job to clean. I asked him to help me and he did. I guess. If you define help the way he did which was taking his socks off the floor and putting them in the hamper, and taking his dirty dishes and putting them in the sink. We went for marriage counseling. After a few counselors explained to him that he was being unreasonable, we finally got cleaning help. It made a huge difference in our marriage. Do yourself a favor and get cleaning help…
I’m going to disagree with many posters here. You are the man of the house. And, well, sometimes it is necessary to just lay down the law. “
And THAT, my friends, is how shana rishona turns into ONLY one year for that marriage.
By the way, it goes without saying that woman will only want to do any of the above though when she feels loved, appreciated, cherished,….flowers, chocs, books, being taken out to dinner, phonecalls during the day, whatever she likes. When she feels good, hopefully that goodness expresses itself into making a nice home..And of course Daven for siyatta dishmaya!!
May I add one tidbit of Torah insight that is truly appropriate?
We are told that the creation of Chava was premised upon ???? ?? ??? ?????. By way of simple translation, what is precisely meant by ????
I propose the following. We recite in davening three times a day, ??? ???? ?????? ????. These three descriptors of Hashem refer to different roles that He takes when we seek His help. ??? is when we can do something ourselves to get out of trouble, but require assistance from outside ourselves. ????? is the salvation we need when we are completely powerless ourselves, where Divine intervention is all that will work. ??? refers to the prevention and ongoing protection so that we do not get into the troubles in the first place.
Now we might understand ??? ????? a bit differently. Chava was created to “assist” Odom, not to serve him. The husband who expects his wife’s service is not actualizing the will of Hashem, who intended to have Chava serve as an assistant to Odom.
The practical message here is that one who wants his wife to chip in more to the household chores should invite her to join him n the process. Making it a team effort is far more conducive to a healthy relationship than watching from the sofa how she washes the floor.
First off, b’ sha’ah tovah! This is a very happy moment in the life of a couple, as they prepare to welcome their first child into the world.
I’d suggest that if you can reasonably afford hired help (I’m sure you can hire help for between $12 and $15 an hour, and assuming that you only need 4 hours a week, that would be $60 a week, which is the cost of eating out in a restaurant for 2, many times, or the cost of morning DD or Starbuck’s for the week), do so. Maybe you can continue doing some housework and only hire a cleaning lady twice a month?
I think you should rite down all your arguments and after she has a
baby re-argue all the arguments.It mite be helpful to throw out that paper right before she has baby.
here is something i did not notice in the other responses. i belive you stated that she moved into your home when you got married………herein might lie the problem……your home! has she done any redecorating? has the apt been turned over for a womans touch? she may feel as if this is your turf and that could be turning her off from caring about taking care of the home (as you call it).
imagine if you will , that she comes into a fully furnished home when the two of you got married. nothing for her to decorate, to give her own flavor to. all ready made. perhaps that makes her feel left out.
think about it, i might have hit the nail on the head.
if i am am right, then you can work on some minor redecorating in order to make her feel like she is part of the place too. usually a newlywed couple put an apartment together TOGETHER . that could give her more feeling for the place.
good luck!
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