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We’re considering saying yes to a girl but we feel 80% we’re going to get a no back. Is this considered playing safe? Is it considered play G-d? Do I allow my son to get yet another rejection? Am I supposed to say yes and leave it up to bashert? Is this a lack in bitachon?
I’m many of you experienced this and we’d like to hear from you.
Thank you.
I don’t understand your considerations. Why would saying yes or no be playing G-d? Why would it be a lack of bitachon, or, for that matter, “playing it safe”?
Also, have they met, or is this before they’ve met?
So if you say no, there is a 20% chance that you are the one preventing the shidduch from proceeding to the next step?
No, a 20% chance of preventing it to proceed to the next step.
Oh to deal with rejection, perish the thought. If your son is a normal adult male, he should be able to take rejection without destroying his self esteem. If he has self esteem issues, then spare the girl having to meet such a guy until he has his act together. The simple answer though is to say yes, and if it’s bashert it will proceed to the next step.
Flatbusher, do you know the girl?
not at all, that is irrelevant. My point has to do with the boy’s parent trying to protect him from rejection. That’s part of life.
not at all, that is irrelevant.
It’s very relevant, because you seem to think that if he has self esteem issues, any girl would be fortunate to be spared from him.
Why is the parent so concerned about rejection?
Are girls parents’ concerned about rejection for their daughters’ shidduch redting? Should the girl be concerned about being rejected?
Maybe the boy has a delicate and sensitive nature. You think we should harden him up so he can face life’s “realities” before we allow him to meet girls?
who wouldn’t be concerned about rejection? How much rejection can someone experience before it hurts? and either way, the OP sounded like she was more concerned about showing a lack of bitachon than rejection.
I’m expecting a lot of rejection. I won’t pay for a dira, won’t pay for alcohol at the weddings, won’t promise monthly support. with all those stipulations you’d almost think marrying a talmid chochom isn’t important to me.
If he can’t take rejection, maybe he isn’t mature enough to get married. Life is full of ups and downs, disappointments, etc. If his reaction to any negatives. If he can’t handle rejection now, when will he learn it?
sayy no!!!!!!!!!!!boys should not be chasing girls…its not derach eretz
The type of guy sensitive to rejection should be matched up with girls who are sensitive to rejection.
I know the girl, and she’d have to be nuts to date your son.
Joseph” I don’t know why you think two sensitive people would be a good match. There is being sensitive too people, and walking on eggshells, and there is just being sensitive, being bothered by every little slight. How does that work in a marriage? Healthier to just become lest sensitive.
Popa, do you know her son?
Boys always say yes or no, this is not a chiddush.
You really have to take the fear of rejectection out of the equation. I’m going with the assumption that the yes or no is for a date, not marriage, so correct me if I’m wrong.
If after doing your research the girl seems like a good candidate/match then definitely say yes, and let the chips fall where they may – or as you consider calling it “play G-d” (not so apt, IMHO). If however you KNOW that this girl is looking for “Moshe Rabeinu” and your son obviously isn’t, you can ask the Shadchan his/her opinion of why he/she thinks it might work. Perhaps this girl is not such a “big shot” after all, otherwise it wouldn’t have been suggested. If the Shadchen backs off after the question then so can you. If not, it would be wise of you to say yes and remember that each suggestion brings you closer to the right one. Most importantly bear in mind (and repeat to your son) that all you need is THE ONE to agree, and thank Hashem for all the rejections as they are actually making the agonizing decision process a whole lot easier for you. Hatzlacha!
And definitely saying yes (despite there being a good chance of getting back a no) if you genuinely feel it’s a good thing does not demonstrate a lack of bitachon. Just the opposite, it shows that you are doing your hishtadlus, yet are leaving the reins in Hashem’s hands.
I know a family whose daughter was redt a top guy who could virtually pick any girl he wanted to marry and she would come running with her ring finger ready for him. Well, this girl was a simple girl from a simple home who liked simple things. But what is bashert is bashert, so her parents of course said yes.
What is the Bitachon question, saying yes or saying no?
Sounds like a single parent issue. And the mother is the one who cannot handle the ‘no’ not the boy.
Mammele: Very well written, you sound like a good mammele.
Thanks 555.
One more point mty: if you are REALLY feeling drained by all the rejections you can simply ask the Shadchan to suggest it to the girl’s side first. No yes or no necessary from you at this point. It sort of contradicts what I said earlier but will preserve your sanity. Hatzlacha!
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