September 18, 2011 2:00 pm at 2:00 pm #599431
Why is there only a shidduch crisis when there are young women who are not married when there are also so many women over fifty who are also not married!!!!!September 18, 2011 2:05 pm at 2:05 pm #810989shmoelMember
What makes you think that there are “so many” women over 50 unmarried? Real data or just a guess?September 18, 2011 2:13 pm at 2:13 pm #810990am yisrael chaiParticipant
There are unfortunately many women over 50 not married.
Some never married, some widowed, some divorced.
It’s amazing that you’ve never come across them.
It would be great to invite them for havdala &/or help them shovel snow.September 18, 2011 11:39 pm at 11:39 pm #810991oomisParticipant
Shmoel, there are many more than you can imagine. Many are single moms, who are divorced or widowed and find it VERY difficult to meet eligible men.September 19, 2011 5:04 am at 5:04 am #810992
Why does the community turn a blind eye to this situation!
Everyone should at least make an effort to invite them for Shabbos and Yom Tovin.September 19, 2011 3:38 pm at 3:38 pm #810993
The reality is that since time immemorial there have been more eligibly women than men that is why Jews always practised polygamy. Plus the women nowadays are often happy being single since they have $, go on vacations with friends and have fulfilling careers. Feminism has gotten to Orthodoxy as well, these are the facts.September 19, 2011 7:42 pm at 7:42 pm #810994
I know tons of single women in their thirties, forties and fifties. None of them are happy being single. I don’t know enough about statistics to respond to the notion there are more women than men. However, what I attribute to the problem is the notion of being able to do or get better. Working women who are well paid (and who want working spouses, which many do at this stage) will hold out for someone earning more than a decent living. Many men want very thin women (size 2-4) and will hold out for that.
I think 50 or 100 years ago people were satisfied with less. Also, the outgrowth of so many variations of the orthodox in Yiddishkeit, instead of offering more options, has led to fewer appropriate matches.
We are not “maspik b’muat”.
Frankly, I have no idea how to set people up. One of the last shidduchim I tried to make resulted in a poor reaction. The woman agreed to meet the man, and was so upset about the match, refused to speak to me for 6 months afterwards. Gratitude goes a long way, even if it’s off the mark. Also, when people are so picky that they grill me about the match and hesitate, take forever to agree, then want to know more….. Well, it reaches a point where I am discouraged from investing more energy and time.
I think all Shuls should have a data base of singles, so that Shuls can maybe cross reference and help singles to be set up.September 19, 2011 8:01 pm at 8:01 pm #810995TheGoqParticipant
Many many times iv’e gone on dates with older single woman always a first date rarely a second or third, i am not going to generalize but many if they don’t feel a connection within the first five minutes they deem the situation to be over already i’ve been on very few second or third dates and i’m a very charming guy, and humble too 🙂September 19, 2011 8:15 pm at 8:15 pm #810996adorableParticipant
i know lots of older guys in that age bracket too. makes me cry. someone that I know very well is dying to get married but went through a tough marriage for 15 years but would love to get remarried. do all the guys wanna get remarried? i dont think so but I know lots of them!September 19, 2011 8:16 pm at 8:16 pm #810997
Mommamai, I too have given up on setting people up, since they have unending questions, the girl wants to know if he ever misses a minyan and learns like a tanna, but she doesnt or cant support him and wants him to work and the guy wants an exotic beauty that exists in one place, HIS IMAGINATION. Shuls however are buildings ultimately it will be people in shuls that would need to do this, even you and I have given up, who else will do it?September 19, 2011 8:20 pm at 8:20 pm #810998shlishiMember
Goq: I thought you said previously that you can’t (for some reason) ever get married. So what kind of dates are you going on? (I don’t mean to be inquisitive, I just couldn’t understand your above comment.)September 19, 2011 9:20 pm at 9:20 pm #810999TheGoqParticipant
this was in the past shlishiSeptember 20, 2011 4:01 am at 4:01 am #811000
I’m not sure I’ve really given up. It definitely slows me down, though.
I think we need a database system that could be used “universally” at all Shuls. Criteria are entered by each member in the privacy of their own homes. Singles can then be asked if their names can be entered in the national database system for orthodox singles.
One of the problems I’ve seen is some people lack the ability to put themselves together (appearance) and project a very poor image outwardly (demeanor, tone of voice, posture, personality/ they whine a lot, etc). Some very good, otherwise eligible, people don’t get dates because of this. They then become very defensive not wanting to change/be changed. The longer someone is “out there” the more vulnerable and insecure they feel. Trying to alter their image, somehow, is taken to mean that they are not good enough. It is perceived as an attack on them, rather than an attack of the problem. When I was single, I had my first cousin go through my entire closet with me and critic my clothing in order to let me know what I needed to discard that wasn’t flattering for me, versus what was worth keeping. We all have to be open to modifying ourselves to some degree, if needed.September 20, 2011 7:32 am at 7:32 am #811001tahiniMember
Good point mommamia, I could never phrase it so well! It is hard sometimes to recognise how one could give advice to help someone but that advice is not always wanted, it can be too painful. A lot comes down to confidence, not just in how you think of yourself, but being open to change and suggestion. Do keep trying, the positives do outweigh the negatives.September 20, 2011 9:19 am at 9:19 am #811002
I seems just as some single people have m’yaish (given up) so has the community!!!!! HOW SAD!
I think some of the posters are correct in stating that the community should have lists of the single people (with their permission of course). This list should be reviewed by a commitee appointed by the Rav of the community and see who might be compatable on the list. This list could also be used to invite these single people for Shabbos, Yom Tovim and for shirim.
The second thing posters mentioned is peoples attire and demeanor gong on a Shiduch. There is a practable solution to this by training Shiduch mentors, or make a CD or DVD or pamplet giving advice on how to prepare for siduch and what is really important to look for in a person.
But, the important thing is for more people getting involved in this serious matter and not have a blind eye to it. If more people realy care, most of the problems in our community would seriously decrease.September 20, 2011 12:17 pm at 12:17 pm #811003akupermaParticipant
When you find the kindergartens and hedorim closing due to lack of students, you’ll know there is truely a shidduch crisis.September 20, 2011 2:46 pm at 2:46 pm #811004
When has there not been some kind of shidduch crisis? The reality is, is that even in the times of Avraham avinu there he was looking far and hard for a shidduch for his son.September 20, 2011 3:16 pm at 3:16 pm #811005
I gulp every time I think of my friends who are not married. It might seem like I don’t care, but I simply don’t know people for them. What do the rest of you think of the idea of having a database in each shul with the names of the singles, which can then be cross referenced nationally?September 20, 2011 4:00 pm at 4:00 pm #811006
Most Agudah like shuls and rabbis would oppose anything to do with the internet.September 20, 2011 4:17 pm at 4:17 pm #811007
Hmmm, I hear.
What if they just had a form to fill out that was sent to all the singles. Then one or two designated volunteers could type up the info by categories: male / female, age bracket, hashkafah, Cohen, lifestyle choice (working/learning/preferences), general physical description and personality, references. The info could then be sent in to a home base where the profiles are reviewed and matched. Maybe not everyone would avail themselves of this kind of a service, but some might. At the very least, it might lead to some otherwise unknown options.
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