Shidduch $ Incentive To Solve Crisis

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  • #590319

    itshenchy
    Member

    Does anyone know if there is still an organization (was it NASI) that gives money to a Shadchan who does a shidduch where the girl is older than the boy, or the girl is above a certain age?

    #657723

    AZ
    Participant

    My contact in the NASI Project told me the following.

    “There NEVER was a plan to use $$$ to solve the crisis. What there has and continues to be is a VERY effective ongoing effort to raise awareness about the urgent need to encourage more close in age shidduchim. (see yated this week page 6). One part of that effort was giving money to people who where the shadchan for such qualifying shidduchim. That specific tactic, although unbelievable successful at putting the issue on the map and having given out over $100,000, has been closed to new new applications due to difficulty in raising $$$. They do still have the store incentive project where over 30 stores and businesses are giving discounts to the families of qualifying shidduchim. Ranging from Shaitels to orchestras etc. etc. They know no one will marry a girl to save 10%, BUT it’s all about awareness!!!

    Baruch Hashem, the NASI Project as a whole is very alive and well. I was told that a letter from over 25 R”Y in America as well as Gedolim in EY will be coming out within the next week or two furthering the message of encouraging close in age shidduchim.”

    Stay Tuned…….

    #657725

    jphone
    Member

    The R”Y have to send out a letter urging common sense? Its no wonder we have a crisis.

    Whats next, people waiting for letters from Roshei Yeshva shlita explaining the dangers of and urging people that they dont drink and drive?

    #657726

    rwndk1
    Member

    This is ridiculous! Paying someone to marry a girl who is older than him? There is a general problem that people have hang-ups about age, but money is not going to solve this problem. What about money for marrying overweight people or people with problems. How much would you pay me to marry a girl with thick glasses or premature gray hair? What if she is taller than me? The whole thing sounds ludicrous. The choice of a wife is a bit more complex and varies from person to person, some like tall some like short, and yes some like older and some like their age and some like younger, some want wealthy families and some run away from that. Remember, the person has to live with her the rest of his life, I don’t think he’s going to remember his 10% discount after 10 miserable years. I can’t believe anyone would choose a wife because someone is paying him to do so, if so I would check what is wrong with her.

    #657727

    AZ
    Participant

    rwndk1: Please calm down! There never was and (hopefully) never will be a project to pay someone to marry a girl who is older than him. The goal of the project is to raise awarness of the issue.

    Raising awareness WILL (and has already begun to) alleviate the problem. Money to shadchanim, discounts in stores, public speeches on the topic, article in the newpapaer, even the threads in the “heilige” YW CR are all simply a form of marketing and bringing to peoples attention to the issue. B”H tremendous strides have been made in the past two years and there are no signs of letting up.

    #657728

    striving
    Member

    rwndk1- i think it’s in incentive for people to ret a shidduch with an older girl and younger guy – not for the marriage part itself! BUT if more such shidduchim get ret it’s more likely that more couples like that will get married… It’s not like paying someone to marry an overweight person!

    #657729

    AZOI.IS
    Participant

    rwndk1:

    “I don’t think he’s going to remember his 10% discount after 10 miserable years. I can’t believe anyone would choose a wife because someone is paying him to do so, if so I would check what is wrong with her. “

    I believe the one who benefited monetarily from the Nasi project was the Shadchan, not the single. It’s an incentive to the Shadchan to suggest Shidduchim to the boy’s family that are closer in age. No one is forcing a single to marry someone incompatible.

    In the pool of available girls, there are girls with specs and personalities similar to those of the boy (tall, short, skinny, fat, loud, quiet, trendy, not trendy, heimish, not heimish, educated, non-educated…), among both younger and older girls. Shadchanim are encouraged to try the older girls first. That’s all.

    #657730

    artchill
    Participant

    With the soaring divorce rate caused by inappropriate shidduchim, is the financial incentive awarded by NASI greater than the cost of a divorce and all costs involved???

    I don’t think so!!

    #657731

    squeak
    Participant

    artchill – you’re absolutely right. Which is probably why to date no one has been able to pull of the scam of marrying his friend’s grandmother and then divorcing her after they collect the cash from NASI.

    #657732

    AZOI.IS
    Participant

    artchill: “With the soaring divorce rate caused by inappropriate shidduchim, is the financial incentive awarded by NASI greater than the cost of a divorce and all costs involved??? “

    Can you prove statistically that those men who married women close in age, had a higher divorce rate than those who married women 3 or more years younger? I don’t think so. Probably the contrary.

    #657733

    Joseph
    Participant

    AZOI: When will NASI ever release statistics demonstrating that the age gap really exists as a problem? We’re still waiting.

    #657734

    AZOI.IS
    Participant

    Joseph: It’s common sense. Suppose I have a 27 year old sister, if her options are only to date those 3 years or more older, rather than her age and up, because that’s what Shadchanim are suggesting, it’s going to very much diminish her chances of ever getting married. As you get older, the available pool becomes smaller and smaller. There are many more available 27 year old guys than 30 year old guys. Do we want to increase or decrease her chances of getting married? We don’t want to force a 27 year old guy to marry her, we just want Shadchanim to think first of the older available girls who are appropriate.

    #657735

    Joseph
    Participant

    AZOI: You demanded stats from others to prove their assertions, I want to see stats proving NASI’s assertions. “It’s common sense” doesn’t cut it, and you know it.

    #657736

    mepal
    Member

    ames, as far as I’m taught to believe, there are less 30 year olds than 29 yo’s than 28 yo’s than 27 yo’s. Therefore, if we are limiting AZO IS’s poor sister to only the unmarried 30 yo guys, chances are, there’ll be a crisis! More of a chance of her not finding a spouse.

    #657737

    artchill – I think that it’s very unfair to claim that shidduchim in which they are close in age – which is NASI’s goal – have a higher divorce rate. Inappropriate shidduchim can be even amongst far in age. Shadchonim have to redd appropriate shidduchim – regardless of age. But, if a shidduch is close in age & it’s an appropriate shidduch – there’s no reason to discount it just bacause of age.

    #657738

    myshadow
    Member

    The NASI project was a great incentive for shadchanim to redt older girls to younger guys, but now everyone needs to be aware that there is no more money left in their funds. Someone I know made a shidduch for a girl almost thirty to a guy in his younger twenties and the couple figured that they would get 2,000 shadchunus gelt from NASI, so they gave the shadchan much less than they would have. The shadchan still did not receive her promised money from NASI (she’s on a waiting list) and it’s a chaval because she could really have used the money and the couple would definately have given more had they known NASI wasn’t going to pay.

    Joseph, it’s obvious. When I was 18 I was dating guys that were 24 and was redt to guys even 26. Most guys want to date the younger girls but then what happens to the girls 21-25? So if this has been happening over years we sorta run into a problem which is the “crisis.”

    #657739

    Joseph
    Participant

    myshadow: Welcome back!

    What you describe has being going on since the beginning of time. Was this crisis left unaddressed for the past 3,500 years?

    #657740

    mepal
    Member

    ames, lets put it this way. Supposedly, every year MORE children are born. So there are only 1000 boys and girls age 30. Only 900 boys and girls age 29. Only 800 boys and girls age 28…So if every 30 yo boy would marry a 30 yo girl, there would be no left over unmarried 30 yo girls. But if the 30 yo boys are only looking to marry 28 yo girls, its just not proportionate and there will be 28 yo girls with no boys to marry. Am I right, AZOIS?

    Therefore, they think closing the age gap would resolve the issue of so many older unmarried singles.

    I DO NOT endorse what I wrote. This is just what the other pp here seem to believe. According to me, it makes sense on pen and paper, but thats all. There are too many pp in this world (in shidduchim) to put it all down to some estimated figures.

    #657741

    AZ
    Participant

    Re NASI money:

    They stopped paying for two reasons.

    A) Having given out over $100,00 B”H, continued funding became untenable as the economy tanked. If money comes in they will continue to pay out outstanding claims.

    The reason it was stopped abruptly was because

    b) parents started giving less to the shadchan leaning on NASI to take over THEIR responsibility.

    “the couple figured that they would get 2,000 shadchunus gelt from NASI, so they gave the shadchan much less than they would have.”

    That is plain and simple just wrong and was never the intention of the project. By stopping abruptly fewer shadchanim would get “jipped “

    Regarding the need to encourage more close in age shidduchim in general: Stay tuned for a letter for 35+ R”Y in America with support from Gedolim in EY.

    I’m sure when it is released it will be posted in the CR……

    #657742

    myshadow
    Member

    Joseph,

    Thanks. The shidduch system that we have today is a lot different than the system they used for 3,500 yrs. There was a completely different dating method. Boys never took the girl on ten dates before he decided that he actually liked her looks, personality, sense of humor…It was much more like the chassidish way of dating where the parents basically chose a boy/girl and they met once or twice. Correct me if I’m wrong but I think there are much less older singles by the chassidim because of this. My chassidish friends can’t understand how we can date so many guys to try and find Mr. Perfect. They met one or two and shoiyn, it’s perfect.

    I could think of at least 10 single girls that are around their thirties off the top of my head, and there really aren’t that many older boys 27+ that would rather go out with girls 28, 29… over the 22+ girls. Maybe the singles have just gotten too picky with looking for “the one” but from what I see the crisis is out of control and very sad.

    #657743

    Joseph
    Participant

    AZ: But isn’t that dishonest, that you stopped paying those who were promised payment in advance?

    #657744

    AZ
    Participant

    Joseph:

    I’m not sure why it’s addressed to me,ytou probably meant the NASI Project. But the answer is NO. The NASI project from the gitgo clearly stated that the shadchan project is subject to funds availability.

    #657745

    Joseph
    Participant

    Thanks. The shidduch system that we have today is a lot different than the system they used for 3,500 yrs. There was a completely different dating method. Boys never took the girl on ten dates before he decided that he actually liked her looks, personality, sense of humor…It was much more like the chassidish way of dating where the parents basically chose a boy/girl and they met once or twice. Correct me if I’m wrong but I think there are much less older singles by the chassidim because of this. My chassidish friends can’t understand how we can date so many guys to try and find Mr. Perfect. They met one or two and shoiyn, it’s perfect.

    mepal,

    Sounds like you are presenting a very good argument for us to move towards the Chasidish shidduch model. Based upon your writings, this should help alleviate the age gap issue.

    But what perhaps was similar for 3,500 years, was the point that the men were appreciably older than their wives. If that is in fact the problem, we should have been experiencing this age gap issue for the past 3,500 years.

    #657746

    mepal
    Member

    Joseph, that did not come from me. Myshadow said that.

    And I dont agree with myshadow’s point that girls are being too picky. Maybe if we had what to be picky from, there’d be a valid argument. Otherwise, you must be far from the shidduch scene.

    #657747

    artchill
    Participant

    The reason why NASI will NEVER release their factual data, is…

    In other words NASI’s data is purely inflamatory and without basis. Rav Yaakov Kaminetzky zt”l said clearly that no cause will last long term if it’s based on sheker.

    #657749

    myshadow
    Member

    Joseph, true…so then I have no clue why now people are making it into an issue more than they were for the past 3,500 🙂

    Mepal, Trust me I’m in the shidduch scene and I’m talking about lots of girls and guys I know, myself included that are picky. And since Joseph says this issue has been around forever, guess we shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting THE BEST lol

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