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I started going out about a year ago. For many reasons (I don’t know which yeshiva i’ll be in next zman, I’m in the middle of taking difficult professional licensing exams, family issues etc.) I have no interest in going out now. Also, I am only 21 so I feel like I have a lot of time. But a lot of people I know are calling me and want to set me up. In addition for some reason my mother wants me to get married really soon and is anxious and upset with me that I am not going out. I keep telling everybody I am not looking too hard and because I am really busy with other things and I’m still young but thanks for thinking of me. I also think that some people have called shadchanim on my behalf. But many people are still pressuring me and asking why I don’t go out with who they suggested or why I don’t call shadchanim. I just don’t think it would be fair to the girl if I got married now because I’m so busy and on top of that unsure of what I am going to do for the next few years (I’ll be in Yeshiva IYH but I don’t know where). Should I go out now anyways? What should I tell everybody?
dude, if ur not ready…please dont go out!!! this is the rest of ur life ur talking about, ur mothers i hope wont be telling u what to do until ur 120….just think about it, i know what parental pressure feels like, and im sorry 🙁
dont rush into anything you are not ready for. i went thru times where i was like let me wait etc. its better to wait to know who u really are and what you really want out of life before you take the drastic step of getting married
Dont do it!!!! Marriage is not a hospital!! It is a responsibility!! It is forever!! U need to be ready!!! I was the unlucky girl was supposed to be the problem fixer!!
YB123- u sound mature and smart. Stick to ur convictions, Its YOUR life.
Maybe you should try getting ready. Find out what it is u want in life, and try settling down.
its okay if marriage is not on the top of ur list of prioreties….but if thats the case dont date until it is, because i personally dated a guy who had his job as number one anad dating as second…and it was very hurtful being second place. its okay to be busy but when it comes to dating u really should give it ur all…so better off waiting till you have more time.
i gotta say that im impressed. it sounds like you are a responsible, thought out person, and you want to make the right choice. while i personally dont think that the cr should be a place to help you make major life decisions, ii’m going to chime in with my opinion anyway.
being ready to get married is not just about knowing who you are and what you want in life. you gotta really want it, and really be ready on an emotional level to enter into a new and challenging (albeit exciting) relationship. if you are changing yeshivos and need to devote time to that, and are in the middle of taking control of a potential parnassa, and you feel that this is taking up all your available energies right now, then i applaud you on the mature decision to wait. it is not fair to anyone to date them while you are in the middle of a few other very time consuming things. dating cannot be the bottom of your to do list, and it has to be the right time. if you are ready to date, you need to be prepared for the possibility of being married in a few months from that time! if you are not ready to do that, for whatever reason, do yourself and your potential date a favor and wait. i cant speak for others, but i have very little respect for men when they are dating because “hey why not, i want to get married, so yeah”. but they dont have their life together on many levels, and if they were married tomorrow, they wouldnt know how to take responsibility for themselves, let alone a wife (not to mention family!). few guys that i know speak like you do, from a place of responsibility and feeling of achrayus for their own life. kudos 🙂
How long a break are you talking about?
yeshivabochur123, Kol Hakavod to you! Halevei all guys would be as mature and thought out.
s2021 – Don’t make it that divorce is mostly the man’s fault. I don’t know what happenned in your case, but plenty of divorces are either both faults or just the woman is to blame!
It sounds like you are sure that this is not the right time. You should have two different answers – for friends who want to set you up – just “not at this time, maybe next year” for your mother – “I am interested in getting married, but I need to take care of /resolve these things first.” Hatzlocha rabah.
I would imagine that you’ve already had a heart to heart talk with your mother and explained to her your reasons. What did she answer? Why arent your reasons for waiting valid in her eyes? You’ll have plenty of opportunities to date in a year or two.
Try taking up the issue with someone whose advice she takes and who she looks up to. Maybe they can have a talk with her.
JMO, yeshivabochur123, but I don’t see any problem with waiting a year or two at your age. you havta have a serious discussion with your Mom & explain things as sensibly & reasonably as you have voiced your feelings & plans here. g’luck.
Tell them your Rosh told you to follow the Lakewood minhag so right now your in the FREEZER. Sit your mom down and tell her the same thing. Tell her you choose do things in the order of your priorities. This will make you a better husband and be able to put your wife first once you find her and marry her. Its called putting your priorities in order.
yes, you and your mom need to be on the same page here. if shes telling people to look out for you, and you are telling them you are not interested, then they are getting mixed messages. you need to be clear in expressing your reasons to her, and hopefully she will understand and act according to your wishes. on the same note, explain to your friends that you need to be focusing on other aspects of your life right now that have “kadima”, and that you will let them know when you are ready to be involved in shidduchim again. just be gracious and appreciative of their efforts, and when the right time comes, suggestions will pour back in. hatzlacha 🙂
Health- how wuz i makin that divorce is all mens fault…? so not my point.. (n i certainly dont think that way) i didnt even mention the d word.. unless ur remembering a diff comment i made… but while wer on the topic i dont know if i can agree w u that its usually a mutually disastrous relationship.. my case would prove that..
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