Shidduch Problem from a 14 yr. old

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  • #602539
    ovadiayosefrocks
    Participant

    This is an email I received from a 13/14 yr. old-he asked for help but I want to ask what you guys think:

    Hello Rabbi, I am almost fourteen yrs. old and I live in Brooklyn. I have a older brother he is 23-the age to start looking for shidduchim. I saw that he chilled out and didn’t care too much so I wanted to get into action. I found a girl for him-I did lots of research(I am the type of “connected guy”) all anonymous emails. And I found out about this girl that is perfect for him. NOW I think that they should go on a shidduch date but I don’t know to tell either side anything I don’t want them to find out that I’m behind all this.(My family and my bro don’t know anything about this-just the girl knows that someone{me} is suggesting her a shidduch). This is all through her family friend.

    #863009
    farrocks
    Member

    So you redt it to him. What’s the difficulty here?

    #863010
    147
    Participant

    Find a Shadchan you personally know [or/& thy Rabbi’s wife], and speak it over with her, and encourage her, to act as go-between, and suggest it to both parties (even if this will end up with her having to receuive a fee from your brother [or parents] and the girl’s side)

    Despite Farrocks advice:- Difficulty here:- Discrimination against taking your suggestion seriously on account of thy young age.

    #863011
    more_2
    Member

    How does the girl feel about it? Do you know if she’s interested?? If she is get someone to speak to your brother about it, if you feel that he won’t listen to you…. Hatzlocha Raba!!!!! May it be a smooth one!!! Bekorov by all!!!

    #863012
    ovadiayosefrocks
    Participant

    147-You are right. But why would someone listen to a shidduch suggested by someone anonymous. The side of the boy will ask who brought this shidduch about they will say we cant say?! Will sound crazy. I have no schacis so I cant read this shidduch. I like the idea that the boy should go to a family Rov but there is a bit of a problem here..

    more_2-The girl I think is fine with it but this young boy is afraid telling his brother or his family

    #863013
    more_2
    Member

    Can the boy speak to the family rav about it? Is there a rebbe that he is close to?

    #863014
    more_2
    Member

    Why would there be abit of a problem to speak to the family rav??

    #863015
    Think first
    Member

    Why don’t you just get the two names to a shadchan and have him/her get to know one of them and then can redd it, I don’t see the difficulty?

    #863016
    Loyal Jew
    Member

    I’d back off. There are things a 14-year-old cannot know, even about his own brother. And what if the girl’s parents can’t support?

    #863017
    oomis
    Participant

    This is what I would say to this young person, whose heart is clearly in the right place:

    Speak to your rov or a close family member or that friend you mentioned and let them be the “face” of the shidduch proposal. If it goes well, you can step forward, and if not, you haven’t lost anything. Are you certain your brother would be resistant to hearing of a shidduch from you (and what about your parents, why not get THEM involved)? Are you afraid they won’t give any credence to you because you are so young?

    I do want to give one piece of unsolicited advice – just because YOU think the girl is “perfect” for him, does not mean at your age that you necessarily have a sufficient understanding of what “perfect for him,” means. I am NOT saying you don’t know what you are talking about, either. You sound like a wonderful and caring sibling, and very mature in the way in which you present your position. But that being said, 14 year olds and 20+ year olds, have a very different view of life, so what you may think is important for your bro, may not be shayach at all, from his perspective. In any case, hatzlacha rabba, and yasher koach on having your brother’s back. You sound like a really special person.

    #863018
    s2021
    Member

    OK, different point of view here- If hes chilled and isnt specifically looking to get married lets not push him? Marriage takes maturity and the desire to make it happen. If thats not there then dating will just be a waste of time best case scenario. (And there r many more worse case scenarios swirling around in my head, let me tellya)

    #863019
    more
    Member

    He could have certain issues that is preventing his mindset of regarding merriage as a priority in life… He made need help in this area. It might even be damaging to the girl and himself if they do marry at this particular stage…

    Or prehaps he just want to be financially stable before contemplating this at all…

    #863020
    oomis
    Participant

    OK, different point of view here- If hes chilled and isnt specifically looking to get married lets not push him? Marriage takes maturity and the desire to make it happen. If thats not there then dating will just be a waste of time best case scenario. (And there r many more worse case scenarios swirling around in my head, let me tellya) “

    You make a very good point, for sure. But I personally was addressing the question of the 14 year old, with the presumption that the older brother is not necessarily NOT looking to get married yet, just isn’t very proactive about it.

    #863022
    ovadiayosefrocks
    Participant

    Thanks oomis1105 you make lots on sense!

    My daughter was saying the something as you.

    I will tell the kid what you said!

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