Shidduchim

@BaltimoreMaven,

Your statement is true, but that is in regard to a person building his personal Emunah despite hardships.

That was not (I am assuming) the point of the OP. He was questioning the shidduchim field and its modus operandi in the last few decades, which has spiralled out of control, in my opinion, de to various factors:

1. Slowly gravitating to the romantic shmutz ways of most goyim, where they idolise the body, measuring a potential spouse by their looks, weight, money etc ONLY, not as well their midot, yiras shamayim, tzniyut and mental/emotional stability. Although many still do look for that, at the end of the day they are frum, but the styles and ideas/perceptions from the streets have seeped in too much to the minds of many people in the frum world, which make them “desire” these sometimes empty meaningless “pluses” in a potential spouse.

2. Lack of solid frum hadracha. Whilst many therapists/chattan-kalla teachers etc learning their courses in sub-par immoral places are trying to take the helm in this field, there is a lack of a pushback by the frum world in creating ehrlich frum equivalents who would instill in people the stable, frum, tzniyut, yiras shamayim etc methods.

3. Some kehillot in the frum world lack a clear direction when it comes to these matters, and just rely on what/how things around them operate, which may sometimes be a bad influence.

Therefore, that all translates into the OP’s question.

People are first FBI investigating their dates, as if they would do the same to themselves, as if they are grilling a potential candidate for some top notch security agency, attempting to sift out and scrutinise all the tiniest imperfections (I wonder if they make such a cheshbon nefesh on themselves..), and only then agree to make a date, which is nothing but just a chance to spend time with a then random boy/girl to get to “know” them better. Whilst “investigating” a person is not the same as meeting in person, the kind of scrutinising investigations that some make, you’d think that they are ready for just one or a few dates, as they have already background checked the person in every way or form, but no they have to now start a long process of dates, which is not a Jewish Idea by any means (see Rav Falks’ sefer VeArstich Li Betzedek-Choson and Kallah during their Engagement).
Yes in different kehillot there has been different methods and sometimes amounts of dates, but the current methods have no connection to those, no matter the kehillah, be it the Litvish, Chassidish, Sephardi world.

I remember a friend telling me, after him reading the above mentioned sefer, his parents asking him what he wanted, and he replied that he only wants three things-basic, 1. midot tovot, 2. General tzniyut, and 3. Only a tichel, as he is Sepharadi and that is how his mother, grandparents etc all dress, and would not want to change that if he didn’t have to. He trusted his parents with that and didn’t need to open an investigation file on any said girl. He went back to his learning in Yeshiva, and not being disturbed and mind filled with many different girls faces and comparing them the whole time, went back to his learning in yeshiva, until his parents gave him the call that they found a girl that seems to match what he wanted and he should come home to discuss it, which he did, they explained what they heard and found out, asked him if he needs or wants to “investigate” further, which he didn’t, they arranged a date, and the next day they were engaged.

Yes that would not work for everyone, but people would do much better and much less humiliated, if they would move towards/nearer to such methods, rather than more towrds the street methods, focusing on the physical appealing, financial status, big shot status, cool guy/girl, perfect etc.

No as the OP says, marriage is about compatibility, and compatibility does not mean seeking a person which fits 100% as you understand it, it means davening, and finding the bashert that was promised by Hashem arba’im yom kodem yetziyat havlad, making normal checks if it is feasible bichlal and then going through the works to do it.

Yehi ratzon Hashem that all singles should find their bashert bekarov, without hardship and these senseless, insensitive and belittling methods eroding the shiduch scene.

@rescue

As with practically anything nowadays, when a system dramatically fails it’s not one, two or even a handful of things that go wrong- it’s a systemic failure coming from many different areas.

The shidduch problems are no different.

I was personally asked to stop commenting here regarding the underlying issues but suffice it to say that most of the “problems” that you and other posters have brought up are merely byproducts of deeper underlying issues that need to be addressed before any changes will be noticed.

Without pointing a finger at any person or group I will say that despite the process being an utter failure- it does work for some people. In order for any changes to have a meaningful effect, everyone needs to be onboard. Those that it works for have no incentive to join.

@rescue

I hate being vague but given the circumstances I need to be.

When I wrote that the process works for some people I meant that the various “broken” parts of the process work for some people- I wasn’t referring to the process in general per se. Those that the broken parts of the system work for are either going to be against fixing it or simply not comply.

For example- I personally think that litigation and class action lawsuits have gotten out of hand. It raises the prices of lots of products and services for everyone. But- it works great for lawyers who will fight tooth and nail against any type of legislation.