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why isn’t it that boys are getting marrid younger but I mean really younger like aged 20, I don’t think the older generation understand the times we live in and how important it is to ‘be married’
+1
they are
Marriage isn’t something to rush into.
Marriage isn’t something to push off.
you think 20 year old guys are mature enough to be married? I think it is better for young people to be unattached to explore what they want to do with their lives without the considerations of a wife, family and making a living. WHy do you believe they need to be married that young?
Some are mature enough. Some are not.
I think there shouldn’t be one accepted timeline for marriage, (ie: 4 yrs. beis medrash, a year in e”y,, 6 months in the “freezer”, and then off to shidduchim). preparing a bachur for marriage is not like baking a cake, there’s no one correct recipe to follow. I know some boys who are ready for marriage at 18, but put it off till 23 or 24 because its not socially acceptable. on the other hand, I know others who shouldn’t get married till 30, they aren’t mature enough to lead a household at 25.
But practically speaking, what are we going to do about it. are any of you really willing to make your sons guinea pigs, and try to start a new trend? I’m sure not taking that risk.
It’s not just a matter of maturity, it’s a matter of having time to grow on one’s own before bearing the responsibilities that come with being married. Of course, if the boy wants to, it’s one thing, but I don’t agree they should be encouraged to marry that young.
The only rule should be that each person is evaluated on his own.
I’m with Tana Dbei Rav – there’s no one size fits all answer as to when boys (or girls, for that matter) are ready for marriage. Those who are ready should not have to wait, but those who are not should certainly not be pushed into it.
that seems reasonable. no one should be forced.
I don’t feel that we can put a time line on when it’s the right time for one to get married. However, I do feel that it’s so beyond important that both parties feel ready & not ready because they’re 21 & Chas v’Shalom you’re not married by 22. It’s important that both parties know how to be independent- a spouse wont be there to hpld your hand through everything. Mature enough to handle a relationship. Able to realize that they can no longer be selfish & most importantly, they must be emotionally stable. That’s all that matters. Age is nothing but a number.
I think that training in maturity and responsibility not to mention basic human decency is lacking if a twenty year old person cannot be trusted to get married. mentchen can get maried at twenty self centered narcissictic types not so much
The Chazon Ish asked the same question as you, which is, why don’t we listen to the Shulchan Aruch and marry at 18.
Everybody has their excuses. But to me they are excuses. Boys would be mature enough if we allowed them to be.
We should marry at 18 or close to it.
No one is mature enough to get married at 20, and a lot aren’t ready at 30, so why Wait?!?
They should start going out at 18. If they want to go to EY, they should go out there.
It seems that people are evaluating the issue based off of the age at the time of marriage rather than when they start shidduchim i personaly know bochrim who are 4th year bais medrash who arent even considering when to start and also bochrim who started after pesach 3rd year and is married already then you have people who dated for years i know a bochur who only got married after sukkos in his tenth year it is very hard to see where the problem lies
If you keep 613 mitzvos, including kiddushah, you’ll get married very young. If you think there’s only one mitzvah – learning – as many seem to approach it – then you’ll likely wait.
Last I heard there are 613 mitzvos.
For those who wish to learn long-term, bear in mind that you’ll have to find longer-term support if you want to get married earlier and also learn for as long as your friends are learning.
Also, you may be more likely to marry a younger girl who will not have started education for a degree yet, which will necessitate complete support.
In general, I don’t see why having at least a vision of a path toward self-sufficiency shouldn’t be a prerequisite to marriage, but if you have someone ready to shoulder the responsibility, gezunter heit.
If you keep 613 mitzvos, including kiddushah, you’ll get married very young. If you think there’s only one mitzvah – learning – as many seem to approach it – then you’ll likely wait.
Last I heard there are 613 mitzvos.
— MTAB
Sorry, I didn’t understand your post. Firstly, which mitzvah is “Kiddushah” (Kiddush Levana? Kiddush on Shabbos? Vekidashto on a Kohein?)? Secondly, you seem to think that whatever mitzvah you are referring to is more important than Limmud Hatorah. Why are the two mutually exclusive? (Sorry I can’t back myself up more, but I really don’t understand what you’re talking about!) Surely one can be mekayem both of them by getting married as late as possible for optimal results?
Are you denying the fact that there is an allowance to get married late in order to learn ?????? ????, without the ??? of Parnassah on your head? Because the Gemara brings such a tzad, and there is a huge controversy in the Poskim/Rishonim exactly what the conclusion is, so why are deciding that early marriage is more important?
I discussed this topic with a boy on a date-believe it or not.
He was 23. He said “I live in a dorm- there is NO WAY that boys should be getting married younger!” And he was a mature boy himself. He said that he sees boys who are married with kids, and they are so immature that he wonders how they’re married.
Not saying that those boys won’t be the same way a few years later, but give them a chance to grow up!
mono1995- marriage is not something that saves anyone from anything. If a boy (or a girl) is not ready to get married and gets married anyway, he can do a great deal of harm. I have heard horror stories about girls my age who have married boys who were simply not ready to get married.
By the same token, I have friends who married boys who are 20-21. Obviously I don’t know what goes on in their houses, but it seems to me that the boys they married were ready. I believe that those boys are the exception, rather than the rule.
I would assume that parents know their sons and understand their maturity level. If a boy is mature enough to get married at a younger age, it seems to me that parents would not stop him from dating.
If a boy is ready to get married but delays it, he can do a great deal of harm.
marriage is not something that saves anyone from anything
The gemara says differently.
I’ve heard both sides of the argument, and I don’t know who’s right. Most important points have been mentioned here. There’s a way of thinking which says that if boys knew they were going to get married younger, they would mature younger. Others think below a certain age (obviously not a hard rule) they’re not able to deal with marriage maturely.
I meant that marriage doesn’t save a person from himself (meant to be gender neutral, not specifically referring to boys). If he is not mature enough to get married, it’s not as if getting married will suddenly make him ready to handle the challenges of marriage.
I was just at a speech by a shadchan, and she said that a 22-year-old boy came over to his mother and told her that he was ready to start dating. She said to him, “Let me ask you something. Let’s say you get married, and your wife becomes expecting right away. The baby is born with many physical/mental problems. Are you ready to handle that, to support your wife, and to deal with the challenges that this poses?” The boy said no. A year later, he came back to his mother and said, “Now I’m ready to get married.”
Do you think that the average boy in his early 20s is ready to handle that type of challenge? For that matter, do you think most 19-20 year old girls are? But no one thinks about that before they get married.
I frankly think this guys mother was a bit harsh with her son.
Ask anyone at any age if they can G-d forbid deal with such a challenge and the answer will likely be no. Yet when someone is unfortunately thrown such a curveball they usually get on board and somehow manage to deal with it.
It may take a while but shy people gain confidence to talk to doctors, make decisions and grow from the experience. Of course, especially in the beginning they will need medical advice, chizuk etc. but eventually they get a handle on the situation.
Even something as simple as asking for help takes maturity and shows one is realistic as to his capabilities. Unfortunately some people do break down — but I wouldn’t pin it on age as much as on emotional strength/bitachon and of course siata dishmaya, which we all need at every age even when the going is smooth.
If someone chas vasholam gets sick himself, married or not, is he prepared to deal with it? So maybe he should have never been born? My point is we hope to never be challenged like this but it’s not up to us to plan and be fully prepared for every worst case scenario.
I think it is better for both boys and girls to get married younger, but the parents have to accept that their help will be needed for longer, and the couple have to be willing to accept advice from their parents (or parent substitutes who are around them and see what’s going on.)
Part of the problem with marrying young in the non-Chassidish community is that the culture is that you marry and become ‘independent’ right away. This is a problem. Becoming “independent” is a long process, which can last until a person is no longer marriageable, and none of us are truly independent in life – we all need others eventually.
Torah613Torah- my parents would vehemently disagree with you. They believe that if someone is ready to get married, it should mean that they are ready to live independently. That has always been my understanding of marriage.
Maybe I’m wrong, though- I have many friends who are married but are as independent as they were in 9th grade. Their mommies still take care of them (and their babies) the same way…
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