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I read stuff where people go out and later find that the person is different than they thought. For example, the girl didn’t know that the guy listens to secular songs. To me, this would be the least of my worries, compared to good middos. But I understand that a couple should be on the same page in regards to hashkafah. People might not tell the shadchan everything since they want someone on a high level. Therefore, it’s important the individuals discuss it with each other while dating, so they know where they are coming from, and if they can accept the other’s hashkafah or not.
Either way singles should be aware that the person they marry is not going to be exactly the person they expected, either because the other didn’t accurately describe themself (for whatever reason) or because they chose to imagine something different from the reality.
Sm29: What are you suggesting a person should do when they find out post nuptials that their spouse is not as expected?
I think that people are afraid of broken engagements so they stay with someone they shouldn’t convincing themselves that all will be ok. Then they get divorced in shono rishona.
if you consider divorcing someone because they listen to secular music, you shouldn’t be marrying to begin with.
unless it’s ke$ha. then go ahead and break it off, no argument.
Brony: Different people have different standards and different breaking points. I probably wouldn’t break it off because of that, but if I wasn’t expecting it and that was completely out of my worldview, then I might easily.
Compatibility matters, and you’re just showing that you personally wouldn’t be compatible with someone who has issues with goyish music. Proving the point.
People also change over time. There is often no way to predict such changes. The soul and mind and heart often expand and venture out in unexpected ways.
rebdoniel
True, but you don’t marry a person with bad hashkafos or middos “hoping” they will change.
i would most definitely be compatible with someone who has issues with goyish music, but not someone who would divorce someone else because of it. also fyi: i am also not compatible with anyone who conflates those two groups. so you’re out of luck sorry : (
I think if my wife became not frum, I might be able to stay married. But if she became chovevei I would need to get divorced because then I’d be scared she would try to be machshil me. Because they are b’shita avaryonim.
popa
Good.
People might not tell the shadchan everything since they want someone on a high level.
I find this to be an interesting observation.
The shadchan doesn’t have to know your every quirk, but I can’t imagine how misrepresenting yourself is going to help you find the right one. Unless you’re looking for someone who is good at misrepresenting themselves too. And that’s a dangerous game to play.
Wiy: ‘I think that people are afraid of broken engagements so they stay with someone they shouldn’t convincing themselves that all will be ok. Then they get divorced in shono rishona.’
I believe engagements are somewhat trial periods meaning if someone uncovers something truly horrendous it might warrant breaking it off. Once a person is married, however, one’s inadequacies become the other’s nisayon. Unless the other is abusive, marriage should be a no-take-backsies deal as MOST things can get worked out.
It would be foolish to pretend to be someone you’re not at least planning to be because then there’s no compatibility. If someone told the shadchan they don’t do something that they do, I would like to believe it’s because they’re working on it and are hoping to stop soon. There has to be trust and its on you to trust your spouse that if they misrepresented themself, it’s because they are working to change.
t613 and interjection – +1,000,000!
My point wasn’t that that you marry in the hopes somebody changes; my point was that you can’t always be sure the person you marry in the year 2013 will be the same person 5, 10, 15 years down the road. People change over time, and not always for the better.
interjection
Many people who watch movies, or go to movies, or listen to non Jewish music or do other things they shouldnt are embarrassed to tell the Shadchan that they do that and want a girl ho is ok with it. Thats where the problem starts.
rebdoniel
True, thats why its important to marry someone who is “as good as can be” and not settle because that person may get even worse!
Brony: I’m bawling my eyes out at your rejection.
However, whether you’d be compatible with someone who doesn’t listen to non-Jewish music or not is a moot point because unless you don’t either, they’re not likely to be compatible with you. Works both ways.
Perhaps I should have qualified that statement: you’re just showing that you personally wouldn’t be compatible with someone who has SUCH INTENSE, DEEP SEATED issues with goyish music. (I know of people who don’t listen to goyish music and would not necessarily react like that, and I know people who would absolutely divorce spouses who listened to goyish music. I can understand each of their motivations, not that I necessarily agree with all of them.)
Besides, not knowing you personally, I know who you’re compatible with just as much as I know your favorite ice cream flavor.
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