December 16, 2015 3:30 pm at 3:30 pm #616846brotherofursParticipant
Am I the only one that ever feels like she needs to date every potential guy she knows before being sure about a boy she’s contemplating about?
I keep wondering if I’ll find better, before I “settle” for him..
I don’t know why I feel this way and I don’t want to feel this way. Someone help please 🙂December 16, 2015 4:00 pm at 4:00 pm #1141748popa_bar_abbaParticipant
See a therapist, and tell them exactly that. You are correct that it isn’t healthy to need the “perfect” one, although it is common.
Do you have the same issue when you shop for clothes–do you need to see every outfit in the store, and every other store nearby, before you buy one?December 16, 2015 9:41 pm at 9:41 pm #1141749HashemisreadingParticipant
Do you try on every item in the store too? I wonder why all the clothes I put on smells like aftershave and cologne.December 16, 2015 10:13 pm at 10:13 pm #1141750WolfishMusingsParticipant
Am I the only one that ever feels like she needs to date every potential guy she knows
I don’t know. I married the second girl I ever dated and I never felt like I missed out on anything… and we didn’t even use a Shadchan.
The WolfDecember 16, 2015 10:20 pm at 10:20 pm #1141751JosephParticipant
I know someone who got engaged to the first girl he dated (and I think he may have been her first boy too) after two dates. They knew they were for each other by the end of the first date.December 16, 2015 10:31 pm at 10:31 pm #1141752WolfishMusingsParticipant
I know someone who got engaged to the first girl he dated (and I think he may have been her first boy too) after two dates. They knew they were for each other by the end of the first date.
I can’t say that it was *that* quick for Eeees and I, but we knew within about three weeks that it wasn’t “if” we were going to get married, but “when.”
The WolfDecember 16, 2015 10:36 pm at 10:36 pm #1141753☢️ Rand0m3x 🎲Participant
sisterofurs?December 17, 2015 6:55 am at 6:55 am #1141754brotherofursParticipant
No I am actually a decisive shopper and usually don’t walk out of a store without buying something. I don’t think this is the same thing lol.. And yes I’m a girl.
Anyone have any advice? Nobody knows anyone who felt this way before?December 17, 2015 3:19 pm at 3:19 pm #1141755popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Many people have felt this way before. They generally fall into two groups: (i) those who got married, and (ii) those who wouldn’t go to therapy.December 17, 2015 3:52 pm at 3:52 pm #1141756
If what you’re trying to say is that he’s not “the man of your dreams,” most people don’t marry “the man of their dreams.” (I would’ve said that no one does, but I was afraid of getting some dispute from engaged people in the CR.)
Everyone has this “image” in their head of what their “one” will look and be like. That image can be very destructive in shidduchim, since the real “one” is usually very different from that image. The question is, are we foolish enough to bypass our zivug because of that?
If that is the problem you’re facing, I know it’s not an easy one to shake, but work on it as much as you can.March 7, 2016 6:57 pm at 6:57 pm #1141757ocho sincoParticipant
Having a man of dreams is ridiculous in the first place. If you build a relationship with someone you won’t feel the need to find someone better. Do you doubt yourself for who your close friends are because maybe you should go find better friends?March 7, 2016 7:16 pm at 7:16 pm #1141758Torah613TorahParticipant
Dating is like a box of chocolates.
There are only so many chocolates in there, and once you’ve tasted each one to see if it’s good, there are no more whole chocolates to eat.
I’m not sure what my point is either.March 7, 2016 7:22 pm at 7:22 pm #1141759CTLAWYERParticipant
Your feeling is not that unusual, voicing it in a frum forum is.
I am a lawyer who practices a lot of family law. Your expression is a regret often voiced by women coming to me seeking a divorce. They feel they married too young and didn’t sample what was out there. They were pressured to move quickly so a prime catch shouldn’t get away.
That said, there is no way you could date/meet every available young man on the shidduch circuit. BUT, you shouldn’t be forced to make a lifelong decision based on just a few samples.
It’s one thing to have buyer’s regret when you aren’t happy with a pair of shoes, a husband is much more difficult to return.March 7, 2016 7:33 pm at 7:33 pm #1141760JosephParticipant
That is absurd. Once you give up a shidduch prospect, in the vast majority of cases you gave it up for good. You generally can’t come back later, after having sampled other prospects and realized the earlier one was the best of the lot, and say gee you were pretty good – and sorry for breaking it off – can we get engaged?March 7, 2016 8:46 pm at 8:46 pm #1141761☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
I’m not sure what my point is either.
Yet, you made it so well.March 7, 2016 8:49 pm at 8:49 pm #1141762☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
Your expression is a regret often voiced by women coming to me seeking a divorce.
Which is precisely why it is pretty meaningless.March 8, 2016 12:20 am at 12:20 am #1141763squeakParticipant
If I may, torah’s point was that shidduchim is like a bowl of cherries. After a while, the only things left are the pits. And I say this fully aware of the irony.March 8, 2016 9:11 pm at 9:11 pm #1141764
Ocho cinco- that may be true once you’re married, but while you’re dating, it’s very easy to think “could I do better?”, especially if you’ve dated other people before.
From your posts on one of the other threads, it sounds like you don’t subscribe to what you’re saying…March 9, 2016 1:41 am at 1:41 am #1141765
At the end of the day, no matter how “perfect” your spouse is when you finally do pick one, he is still going to drive you nuts sometimes.
Its a fact of life.
Married people get on each other’s nerves to some extent. So, just look at this way. You can keep pushing off decision making, and then one day far down the rode, you’ll finally find that real “catch” that you’ll be sure is the best of them all… and then he’ll go and leave his socks on the floor and the cap off the toothpaste tube, just proving to you that marriage is the great equalizer anyways.
So, go ahead. Get married without wasting time sampling, ’cause the end result is all the same anyways! 😉March 9, 2016 1:56 am at 1:56 am #1141766👑RebYidd23Participant
You can get separate tubes of toothpaste, but there’s no cure for someone who can’t sing but does anyway.March 9, 2016 2:14 am at 2:14 am #1141767
Uh huh. Ear plugs.March 9, 2016 2:21 am at 2:21 am #1141768👑RebYidd23Participant
No earplugs are that effective.March 9, 2016 2:35 am at 2:35 am #1141769
Some things you just gotta swallow.
I always said I wanted a quiet, petite, blonde haired/blue eyed learner…
What I got was a dark chevraman with two squawking radios that was out of kollel by the time the first kid was born… So yeah, I totally get the ear plugs not being effective comment…
BUT at the end of the day, there was that “attraction!” And for some reason, even with his incredible LOUDNESS (and I LOATHE noise!!!) I still wouldn’t trade him in!
So there ya go. Case in point, to solve two threads at once: attraction is real, and sometimes we have to get what we’d thought we’d hate anyways. and at the end of the day, its all good. so just take the first guy that looks like you can build a solid Jewish life with and move on. You’ll get paired with the guy you NEED; not necessarily what you thought you’d like.
(I totally see my hubs as the biggest catalyst for self-improvement…)March 9, 2016 2:58 am at 2:58 am #1141770
CopyMachine- true, but the raw ingredients for a relationship need to be there. I don’t think any two people can get married and make it work…March 9, 2016 3:11 am at 3:11 am #1141771
Of course two random people can’t just get married and make it work. Shlome haMelech proved that idea wrong many, many years ago…
Like I said, I do believe in a basic attraction, in which two souls connect on a certain level.
However, if we stop and look at the history of Jewish marriages, the real Jewish way is like the chasidishe beshow, in which the parents do the research and then the kids get married after a quick meeting to make sure that they are acceptably attractive to one another.
The raw ingredients of a Jewish relationship include two healthy people who desire to build a stable marriage and do not disgust one another. There should naturally be some sort of pull between the two as well, although “love” is completely foreign to the Jewish mentality until AFTER marriage.
And again, even with the best ingredients for a marriage- your spouse will still drive you nuts.
Its a fact. Wait and see. 😛March 9, 2016 6:30 am at 6:30 am #1141772ocho sincoParticipant
Technical You’re mistaken. If it was possible if explain but it’d be too long. I actually do hear where she’s coming from a little but I think my answer really solves the problem as long as there isn’t something that particularly bothers you about the person.March 9, 2016 7:22 am at 7:22 am #1141773ABS-SAParticipant
No matter who you marry, you are settling! It is not possible to know definitively that there is not someone out there who would have been better. This would also apply to couples who have been happily married for 50 years!
Therefore, find a person who shares your core values, has congruent life goals, who you find attractive and who finds you attractive and get on with it.
That is as good as it gets.March 9, 2016 2:13 pm at 2:13 pm #1141774BarryLS1Participant
ABS-SA: That’s not necessarily so. I never had those thoughts. The issue is to know who you are first and then think about what you are looking for.
When you meet the right person, you’ll just know!March 10, 2016 9:43 pm at 9:43 pm #1141775☢️ Rand0m3x 🎲Participant
“two squawking radios”
???March 11, 2016 1:16 am at 1:16 am #1141776
Yeah. Squawking radios come along with the man who is devoted to the rabbim. Think: Chaverim, Hatzalah, Shomrim, etc.
And then realize that when one volunteers, its usually for multiple organizations…
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