October 5, 2010 8:19 pm at 8:19 pm #592532
Should middos really be a focal point in your search for a spouse?
Which purposes of marriage are furthered by having a spouse who has good middos?
I don’t deny that people who have good middos are easier to get along with, but that is at most a necessary condition for a good marriage. Shouldn’t you be principally “looking for” the things which actually relate to the purpose of marriage?February 13, 2015 2:05 am at 2:05 am #1093664
Yeah. Marry someone with money.February 13, 2015 2:16 am at 2:16 am #1093665☢️ 🚭 ☣️ Rand0m3x 🧠🕴️🎲Participant
Presumably, “the purpose of marriage” is best accomplished with
“a good marriage,” for which “necessary conditions” must be met.February 13, 2015 2:28 am at 2:28 am #1093666
Without good middos, there is no marriage. Does anyone want his or her children to be brought up by someone with BAD middos?February 13, 2015 3:08 am at 3:08 am #1093668
Oomis: Without 4 wheels, there is no car, and you certainly would not want a car with only 3 wheels. But if I ask you what is the most important aspect of a car you are looking to buy, you don’t say 4 wheels.
Comlink: Same as oomis.
Also, this apparently used to be one of my “perfect threads”, until rebyidd unperfected it after 4 years.February 13, 2015 3:08 am at 3:08 am #1093669
Middos are much more important than looks.February 13, 2015 3:21 am at 3:21 am #1093670☢️ 🚭 ☣️ Rand0m3x 🧠🕴️🎲Participant
I don’t deny that people who have good middos are easier to get along with, but that is at most a necessary condition for a good marriage.
Presumably, “the purpose of marriage” is best accomplished with “a good marriage,” for which “necessary conditions”
must be met.
I mentioned the relationship between
a “good marriage” and “the purpose of marriage,”
but I didn’t say that marriage cannot exist without good middos,
so you can’t answer me with the same answer as you gave Oomis.
Anyway, what do you consider the purpose of marriage, and what are the
“things which actually relate to the purpose of marriage”
(that one can look for in shidduchim) which follow that idea?February 13, 2015 3:31 am at 3:31 am #1093671
There cannot be a FUNCTIONAL car without wheels, and there is no functional marriage with partners lacking in middos. Not one I would want for my children, anyway.February 13, 2015 3:51 pm at 3:51 pm #1093672
Of course. But do you go to a dealer and ask for a car with 4 wheels, or for a car that goes well and lasts a long time and is safe.February 13, 2015 4:00 pm at 4:00 pm #1093673
If you they’ve got cars without enough wheels in their inventory, and you know people who bought such cars and couldn’t drive, you’d make sure to ask for a car with four wheels.February 13, 2015 4:02 pm at 4:02 pm #1093674
A car that lasts long and is safe, is analogous to a marriage where both partners have good middos,and thus the marriage will more likely also be long-lasting and safe.February 13, 2015 9:18 pm at 9:18 pm #1093675screwdriverdelightParticipant
The midos aspect is just some propaganda started by feminists who wanted fat and poor girls to get married.February 15, 2015 12:13 am at 12:13 am #1093676
So now feminists are suddenly into marriage?February 15, 2015 1:07 am at 1:07 am #1093677
Scared driver, ftr overweight girls and poor girls have as much right to be married as anyone else. I think your remark was a bit insensitive. Thin, rich girls AND guys all have need of having good middos. We all do.February 15, 2015 12:52 pm at 12:52 pm #1093678BarryLS1Participant
scared driver delight: Hopefully it won’t happen, but you will probably eat those words, since you’ll most likely marry the wrong person for ridiculous reasons.
People need to have their priorities straight. Besides, life happens. People’s health and looks can change and if that happens after you marry someone for the wrong reasons, you end up regretting it.February 15, 2015 8:00 pm at 8:00 pm #1093679flatbusherParticipant
Unfortunately, often when boys are looking for a shidduch, middos are not the No. 1. It comes after looks, dress size, money, etc.February 15, 2015 8:19 pm at 8:19 pm #1093680
flatbusher: You seem to believe income potential is #1 before even middos.
If the only two guys available to marry your daughter were either a) a guy with tremendous middos tovos but little potential for a good income or b) a guy with not so good middos but with a master’s degree, a terrific job and income potential, who would you think preferable to marry – all other things being equal for the purposes of this discussion. Be honest in responding to the question as defined.February 15, 2015 8:23 pm at 8:23 pm #1093681golferParticipant
Scareddd, I’m not sure I understand your post.
Are you saying that-
Feminists want fat, poor girls to get married.
But if not for the efforts (?) of these feminists, girls who are fat, or poor, or some combination of the two, would not get married?
And so you’re saying good middos are some sort of fantasy/propaganda invented by feminists?
Oomis thinks your remark was a bit insensitive.
I’m not understanding oomis either.
(I always thought feminists were davka the ones who wanted girls- fat, poor, skinny, rich, or whatever sort- to get good jobs, good educations, good pay. Since when are they mixing into shidduchim?)February 15, 2015 8:41 pm at 8:41 pm #1093682
Methinks SDD’s post is being taken too seriously.February 15, 2015 8:58 pm at 8:58 pm #1093683flatbusherParticipant
Lior: I’m saying what the boys are looking for. Have you had children in shidduchim? usually the mother is involved, and the first thing most seem to ask is dress size, then they want a picture, then they ask if the family is willing to support. If the ls are davka looking for a long-term learner, I don’t think income potential is an issueFebruary 15, 2015 9:42 pm at 9:42 pm #1093684
Oomis thinks your remark was a bit insensitive.
I’m not understanding oomis either.
I said it that way, so as not to be overly critical-sounding of the poster’s remarks. Obviously, I feel that any pejorative statement about one’s weight or financial status, is totally out of line.
And DY, if anyone here has a daughter who is overweight and not married yet, or the parents are poor and for this reason shidduchim are not readily coming their way, that not-so-seriously-meant statement can be a tremendous source of pain of onaas devarim. I do think the poster was being flippant, rather than deliberately mean, but there are some things people may not find so amusing. Just sayin’…February 16, 2015 12:45 am at 12:45 am #1093685golferParticipant
Could be, DY.
But everyone here knows I always enjoy a post that makes me laugh.
Scareddd’s post did Not make me laugh.
Am I losing my sense of humor?
Or was scareddd totally out of line?February 16, 2015 12:45 am at 12:45 am #1093686
I could be wrong, but I read it as cynical to those who deem those issues too important.February 16, 2015 12:47 am at 12:47 am #1093687
(I was responding to oomis, but it came out, appropriately as well, as a response to golfer.)February 16, 2015 7:53 am at 7:53 am #1093688Daniel Q BlogMember
PAA is a great troll because he says the emes amongst his foolishness.
“Good middos” on a resume or by calling a close friend is having 4 wheels on a car. The thing to look at is exceptional middos. Now, it might not be to find such a person. If so, middos really are not an issue to consider (unless of course the person has bad middos).
As an example:
Shprintza: Rizzy, I don’t know who to go out with?
Rizzy: Nu, what are the choices?
Shprintza: Moshe – he’s well to do. is a good learner, and people seem to say nice things. Or Yankel, he’s not so bright, but his friends say he has great middos.
Rizzy: Wow, his friends on the phone say he has great middos? Go for it. Middos are the most important.
Let’s change some things:
Shprintza: Rizzy, I don’t know what car to lease?
Rizzy: Nu, what are the choices?
Shprintza: A Camry – it’s affordable, safe, has nice features. Or Altima – it’s not as nice, but it’s dependable according to Nissan.
Rizzy: Well, if Nissan says it’s dependable, then that’s what’s most important in a car. What good is a car if you can’t depend on it.
Nisht. Of course middos are important. But nu nu nu what is great about their middos? They didn’t hit their shtender? They were not thrown out of seminary? They did their required chessed hours with a bren. All yidden are good within.
The emes is all the things about Moshe are also likely nothing. Who said he was a good learner? His chavrusa. No, says his chavrusa, he’s a real slouch (ie what’s he supposed to say). Who said he is well to do? The person who looks at what jewelry his mom is wearing? All of these things are nothing. Tachlis. Tachlis. If someone is going into a business, do they call the potential partner’s friend and lawyer and ask how they are as a person. No. They want proof. If your daughter is nice and has a great middos, come up with something that shows that – tell that. Find the person whose your daughter’s good middos were shown via. Ie the seminary roommate who was a slob. The friend in high school who was not so nice. Whatever. Don’t question why no one has al pi ruach hakodesh not chapped the middos tovos of your lil’ tzadikel (or tzadikla). I mean this with good charm btw. I do not mean to make light of a tough parsha…but it’s trolling thread, felt some license.
DQBFebruary 17, 2015 12:22 am at 12:22 am #1093689
The original post asked if good middos should be A focal point, not THE focal point. And most assuredly, it should be.February 17, 2015 12:52 am at 12:52 am #1093690
Middos should be THE focal point.February 17, 2015 2:15 am at 2:15 am #1093691☕️coffee addictParticipant
isnt one of the points of marraige to work on your middos, so someone with good middos would actually be a detterentFebruary 17, 2015 4:06 am at 4:06 am #1093692
Why would good middos be a deterrent?February 17, 2015 7:09 am at 7:09 am #1093693☕️coffee addictParticipant
because they wouldnt work on themselvesFebruary 17, 2015 1:21 pm at 1:21 pm #1093694
No, it gives you more time to work on your middos if you don’t have to worry about your spouse’s bad middos.February 17, 2015 1:35 pm at 1:35 pm #1093695charliehallParticipant
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The people who ask for pictures and dress sizes don’t pay attention to what they sing on Friday night.February 17, 2015 1:49 pm at 1:49 pm #1093696
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“But if I ask you what is the most important aspect of a car you are looking to buy, you don’t say 4 wheels.”
Well yeah. Because it’s a given that the car has 4 wheels. You wouldn’t consider it if not. Same with middos.July 21, 2015 4:29 pm at 4:29 pm #1093698WiseyParticipant
Isn’t it obvious that PBA was just trolling (or joking) when he started this thread? Every half-brained person knows that middos are critical, if not the most critical factor. The moshol of the car makes it even more ridiculous. (From my experience I think that PBA has at least half a brain)July 21, 2015 4:39 pm at 4:39 pm #1093699MDGParticipant
Midot means measurements.
Some measure character traits, some measure dress sizes, some measure bank accounts, some measure cars, some measure prestige, etc…
Therefore we all are into midot. Each of us with our own preferences of midot.
</sarcasm>July 21, 2015 5:26 pm at 5:26 pm #1093700
I don’t think “half a brain” wisdom is what we should be using as a guide.
I concur that people with half a brain would agree with you.July 22, 2015 1:59 am at 1:59 am #1093701Burnt SteakParticipant
Its better to have half a brain then half a Brian.July 23, 2015 4:11 pm at 4:11 pm #1093702mord13Member
If your spouse does not have good middos how do you build house if the spouse doesnt respect people then why is she going to respect you?July 23, 2015 5:37 pm at 5:37 pm #1093703Kvod ShamayimMember
There is a fundamental diff between one who respects others in the outside world and one who respects a spouse.one who respects outsiders is one who has a positive attitude in general thus translating into positive outlook towards others, however in a relationship, sometimes a man has to provide a reason to get his not-so-happy-go-lucky-inclined wife to respect “him” In particular.July 23, 2015 5:44 pm at 5:44 pm #1093704Kvod ShamayimMember
I’m not suggesting that it’s the husbands lack of kindness etc. , rather that although she by nature doesnt see it in others there is a way to allow her to see it in you. Whether to employ kind manipulation or not a competent maven must be consulted.July 23, 2015 7:15 pm at 7:15 pm #1093705MTABParticipant
middos are most important
however, today generally middos aren’t so good anywhere
the actor fred astaire said half a century ago, “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.”
so don’t expect perfection ,just somebody who values good middos and works towards itJuly 23, 2015 8:41 pm at 8:41 pm #1093706
If wishing somebody has good middos is not an absolute requirement, the person in question needs to have their head examined.
The good news is that virtually everybody has good middos, if you take this statement to mean that they are generally disposed to act kindly. At least, this is my rose tinted, naive view of the world. Good middos does not mean having perfect middos. A person with good middos, and a generally good nature, can occasionally not behave as such.
So in summation, if somebody is searching for a perfect spouse in the middoz department, they are likely to be disappointed. But requiring that somebody is generally good natured and kind, is, for most people, crucial. Unless, of course, they themselves are horrible. If only there was a specific shadchan service for mean people. It could be the real answer to the shidduch crisis.July 27, 2015 6:18 pm at 6:18 pm #1093707
NeutiquamErro, you didn’t say how it matters.July 27, 2015 10:35 pm at 10:35 pm #1093708
Well done, Sherlock. I also didn’t point out that reality may be a projection of our subconscious in order to provide a medium through which our surroundings may be comprehensible, or that the sky is generally blue and the moon rarely is. Because that wasn’t the point I was making.July 28, 2015 12:19 am at 12:19 am #1093709
So what point were you making, Albert?July 28, 2015 12:46 am at 12:46 am #1093710
The one written above.
If you find yourself somehow unable to actually scroll up the several inches it would take to read this, then the point I was making above is that good middos is a vague term and covers most people, and is certainly a requirement for reasons I hope I need not enumerate. But perfect, or unfeasibly good middos, as in a person who never acts in any manner other than perfectly good natured, is unatainable. Basically, the term ‘Good Middos’, when used in the context of shidduchim, can basically be replaced with, ‘Not Horrible’. And this is hopefully the last I’ll speak of the matter.July 28, 2015 2:16 am at 2:16 am #1093711
You do need to enumerate to answer the question. I read your post but thought I had misread it because it is not relevant to the topic.July 28, 2015 10:15 am at 10:15 am #1093712
Ok then, it wasn’t necessarily in the same vein as every other answer. Shoot me.
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