July 22, 2015 10:52 pm at 10:52 pm #616070coffeeroomloverMember
hi, i have just home from sem in gateshead and my parents want to discuss shidduchim with me. i know for a fact that they have higher expectations for me than i want and i dont know how to tell them that im looking for a less frum boy then they expect. how to i say i want someone chilled and working when they want me to marry a boy who is going to sit and learn for at least 2 years?!?! helpppppJuly 22, 2015 11:57 pm at 11:57 pm #1093057
Why can’t you get a cool bochur who will learn for 2 years. Not all bochurim who want to learn for 2 years will run out of Steinhouse if they see you coming.July 23, 2015 12:20 am at 12:20 am #1093058Burnt SteakParticipant
Better to sit down and have an open honest discussion with your parents. You should be able to have a mature discussion with them. Remind them that its you who is most affected by this. Also you don’t want to go on many dates where you know you don’t want that type of boy. You would be wasting time.July 23, 2015 12:41 am at 12:41 am #1093059Tana Dbei RavMember
ask LibbyJuly 23, 2015 1:35 am at 1:35 am #1093060popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Start smoking. They’ll get the hint.July 23, 2015 4:23 am at 4:23 am #1093061
Marlboro, a hooka or mint?July 23, 2015 5:42 am at 5:42 am #1093062MTABParticipant
Depends on the kind of parents you have, whether they’ll be open to your opinion about your own life. But in the end, you have to think for yourself. Perhaps, if your goal is a real ben Torah baal habayis they’ll be OK with it.July 23, 2015 8:57 am at 8:57 am #1093063ABS-SAParticipant
The first thing to disabuse yourself of is that there is such a thing as higher or lower expectations. The reality is that if you find a boy that you can connect with and that treats you with respect and with whom you can build a life together, than you have achieved the very best FOR YOU. Regardless of what is or isn’t on the shidduch CV.
You need to make it clear to your parents that it is your life and that YOU are the one who is going to live with the consequences of being married to whomever it is you marry. Therefore, it is only right and just that YOU have the final say.
I do not know your parents or circumstances, so I am not sure to what extent what I am about to say applies to you, so if I am totally off the mark, feel free to ignore it.
An unfortunate blight on our communities is called living through our children. Which, put another way means that my self-esteem is dependent on my son being the next Vilna Gaon or my daughter marrying the next R. Akiva Eiger (or at the very least someone I can pass off as being some sort of prodigy). Such people seem to regard their childrens’ ultimate happiness as some sort of annoying inconvenience and certainly nothing to be concerned about.
Very often this dysfunctional attitude is compounded by a chronic need to impress or have the approval of others. Again, the ultimate consequences for our childrens’ happiness is ignored.
This is manifestly unfair and in some ways is a perversion of how Bnei Torah should view the world.
Practically, what you need to do is make a time to talk to your parents. It may be a good idea to go out for coffee or dinner and then lay it out for them. Be very clear that you have thought through what you want out of life and insist that they respect you and your choices. Remember, you are choosing to live a different type of Torah life to the one they may have mapped out for you, but it is still a Torah life and thus a valid choice that is your sole prerogative to make.
Hopefully, they will respect that and there will be no issue or problem. If they can’t, you need to be clear in your own mind that they are the ones with a problem, not you. At that point, you may want to enlist a Rav/Rebbitzen that can talk to them on your behalf. Be respectful but firm and it will all work out in the end.
Hatzlocha Rabbah.July 23, 2015 9:54 am at 9:54 am #1093064coffeeroomloverMember
the problem is that they think i can do better than what im going for but but at the end of the day im the one who is getting married. so now what?!July 23, 2015 10:58 am at 10:58 am #1093065jdbParticipant
If you believe that you are mature enough to be married and soon, having kids, you need to also be mature enough to clearly tell you parents what you expect and how you want to live your life.
If you don’t feel ready for shidduchim, tell them. This self-confidence is challenging, but it is part of the process.July 23, 2015 5:43 pm at 5:43 pm #1093066a maminParticipant
This is really not a joke! This is serious business! So often I hear how parents are not realistic about their children’s needs and then they end up with a divorced child! You need to have a serious but respectful conversation with both your parents! They assume they are doing what’s best for you! You will need to convince them otherwise!July 23, 2015 9:56 pm at 9:56 pm #1093067
Maybe a Gateshead baal habos?July 23, 2015 10:19 pm at 10:19 pm #1093068ChortkovParticipant
CRL: the problem is that they think i can do better than what im going for…
One of the most important things to work out is why your parents want you to marry a ben torah. Is it because of their own standards and social pressure, or is it because they believe you are frummer* than you really are? They think you can do better or they think you should do better?
If they have a wrong picture of you, you need to sort that out immediately, before you start anything to do with shidduchim. Your parents have to know who you really are. You have to speak to them, explain what path you have chosen, and hope for the best. It would probably be advisable to have a mentor or teacher who knows you well contact your parents, who can explain from an adult perspective who you are.July 24, 2015 1:57 am at 1:57 am #1093069popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Why are you referring to people who are learning as “better.”
Don’t you want what is better for you? Do you think you are bad for wanting a certain type of husband? You shouldn’t feel that way–if you do, you should go to therapy to get that narishkeitin out of your head.
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