Shiduch presents

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  • #618247
    Quacky the duck
    Participant

    My daughter just got engaged and was wondering what presents i had to buy her chosson

    #1175085
    Meno
    Participant

    Oy. (well also Mazel Tov)

    A watch, a shas, a tallis with a silver atara…

    #1175086
    Joseph
    Participant

    A house, menorah, Shas set, tuxedo, talis, silver atara, small-to-medium sized car and a seforim shrank.

    If you’re in CTLAWYER’s tax bracket make sure all of the above are of luxurious value. (CTL will provide additional suggestions.)

    Mazal Tov!

    #1175087
    #1175088

    Does CTLAWYER have a son for me. Lol. To be honest it depends when the engagement is during the year

    According to the yomim Tovim ..

    #1175089
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    My daughter just got engaged and was wondering what presents i had to buy her chosson

    Mazal Tov.

    You are not under any obligation to get anyone any presents. There may be certain customs in your community, but they certainly aren’t obligatory.

    The Wolf

    #1175090
    Sparkly
    Member

    Quacky the duck – mazel tov:) buy him the world.

    #1175091

    Wolfish musings actually by chassidish people certain items are considered mandatory because it was a miniature and we strongly believe minhag biyisroel torah he

    #1175092
    Sparkly
    Member

    Happygirlygirl – for example?

    #1175093
    CTLAWYER
    Participant

    Joseph…….

    In our family it is tradition that when the girl receives her diamond engagement ring, the chosson receives a gold watch.

    It is not our responsibility to buy shas, seforim, car or house. Our daughter (not us) bought him a talis. Other 2 girls are not married yet.

    We have 3 married children B”H and all were able to buy their own homes. This is not to say that Mrs. CTL may not have dipped into her knippel and I might have paid a few of the costs.

    As for the Tuxedo…yes I did take my future SIL to my tailor and order him a few suits, evening wear and a dozen shirts custom made.

    As of their wedding this past April, SIL works in my law firm and he must embody the business image I have built over the years.

    #1175094
    CTLAWYER
    Participant

    HappyGirlyGirl………..

    Mrs. CTL and I have two sons followed by three daughters. The sons are long married and our eldest grandson is only 15…way too young to think of marriage.

    BUT, I like your go getter attitude!

    #1175095

    Ctl lawyer Lol it’s fine we could just be friends you don’t have to be my shver lol.

    Sparkly I forgot…sorry I’ll try yo ask around but I remember learning in school such a concept

    #1175096
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Wolfish musings actually by chassidish people certain items are considered mandatory because it was a miniature and we strongly believe minhag biyisroel torah he

    I assume you mean “a minhag” and not “a miniature.”

    Even if that’s so, it’s still not obligatory. A marriage that is performed would be 100% valid l’chatchila if the presents were not given and, furthermore, any rav would tell you that if you cannot afford the presents, they may certainly be skipped rather than have the person not marry.

    In addition, not everything a community does automatically becomes a minhag to the extent where you say that it’s obligatory.

    The Wolf

    #1175097
    Quacky the duck
    Participant

    To rephrase it, what presents are the norm to buy him

    #1175098
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Watch, shas, cufflinks, talleisim with zekel, kittel.

    #1175099
    from Long Island
    Participant

    We bought our sons-in-law, a tallis for everyday, one for Shabbos, NO atarah, that is “earned” with age.

    They were given a choice, a gold watch or sefarim. One chose a set of Shas he always wanted, one “filled” in his Sefarim collection, and one chose a watch.

    My daughters’ bought them gold cufflinks to wear at their weddings.

    On BiG birthdays, with a 5 or a 0, they get a “special” gift, by choice, so far we have done a Silver seder plate, a Silver menorah, a Haggadah, a Haggadah cover (wood by choice)

    Every now and then, I will buy them a nice shirt, or a tie for Yom Tov.

    But, I try to be careful and not be too generous. You never know the financial circumstances of the machatenim.

    #1175100
    CTLAWYER
    Participant

    DaasYochid….

    if your daughter marries a Yekkah you can save on the Tallis and accessories. He would have gotten them at Bar Mitzvah. Opa took care of them for my brother an I at that time.

    #1175101
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    CTL, as far as I know, the norm is to give new talleisim even if the chosson already owns one or two.

    #1175102
    CTLAWYER
    Participant

    DY………….

    I guess the norm has changed in the past 50 years.

    Brother and I are both married more than 45 years and didn’t get them, as we already owned them.

    BTW…in our family we don’t add silver ataros either.

    #1175103
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    They have, and norms still vary from community to community; I stated what I’ve seen as the norm.

    Silver ataros are a chassidishe minhag AFAIK.

    #1175104
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    My in-laws got me a tallis. However, that was really beside the point, as I had already received a gift worth far more… my wife.

    The Wolf

    #1175105
    Joseph
    Participant

    No silver ataro? Mamish ah shanda!

    #1175106
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    No silver ataro? Mamish ah shanda!

    I know you’re joking, but I feel the need to point this out:

    Gifts are just that… gifts – freely given and without obligation.

    My in-laws got me a tallis (and, yes, with an atara), but if they didn’t, that would have been fine and well too. They have also given me other gifts over the years, and again, if they had not, I would have been fine with that too. No one “owes” anyone a gift (if they do, it’s not a gift). I didn’t marry my wife because of any gifts that they “owed me” or “were expected.” If they did not give me anything, I would have had no complaints whatsoever.

    The Wolf

    #1175107
    yehudayona
    Participant

    CTL, doesn’t a chassan need a bigger tallis than a bar mitzvah?

    Our SIL got two talleisim and a kittel from us and an overpriced watch from our daughter. No atara. They don’t have the space for a chassan Shas.

    #1175108
    Sparkly
    Member

    WolfishMusings – good one. show that to your wife.

    #1175109
    CTLAWYER
    Participant

    Yehudayona….

    Tallis size is dependent on the person. I was less than 1″ taller at marriage than at my Bar Mitzvah, and I weighed less. I was a very heavy adolescent, but only a heavy adult.

    #1175110
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Wolf: No one “owes” anyone a gift (if they do, it’s not a gift).

    True. I like that line!

    #1175111
    Quacky the duck
    Participant

    You only buy him an atarah if its his minhag

    #1175112
    VerZogt
    Participant

    Mazel Tov. Don’t be impressed by what ppl say you “have” to do. What is accepted in the chasan’s circles is what you want to find out, to avoid disappointing him. What ppl here write is limited to what they are familiar with and may be irrelevant to you.

    I agree that atoro on a talis is minhag among those who are chasidish or the grandfather was chasidish in Europe.

    If you wish to give a watch, many chasanim today prefer a steel band. Again, it depends on what is prevalent in his and his parents’ circles.

    Some kallahs like to buy the chasan a silverbecher. Don’t let the silver store talk you into a huge one, it is impractical and if used for the seder , makes it difficult to drink Rov Kos.

    #1175113
    Quacky the duck
    Participant

    Most boys like leather not steel band,and my chasan chose leather

    #1175114
    Meno
    Participant

    I like leather too but it wears out too fast.

    #1175115
    iacisrmma
    Participant

    VerZogt: What a great idea for a present – how to deal with “disappointment”. So he doesn’t get everything that his friends received. They are supposed to be “presents” or “gifts” not entitlements. He wants a steel band? Oh well, I as the person giving the gift like the leather band better.

    Did one ever wonder why a tallis and kittel are given as a present to the chosson? MAYBE, it’s because they are the only gifts that he will take with him “nach a hundredt un tzvanzig”. Why give a watch? To make him aware of the greatest gift Hashem gives a human being – the gift of time and how to use it correctly…and not just as an adornment for the wrist.

    Is a silver esrog box important? Maybe buying an esrog and lulav for the first 10 years would be more important then the box that holds it.

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