Shiduchim, Is giving perfect information always the best solution??

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  • #587912

    nameless
    Member

    I would like to relate a story someone told me recently which I found very interesting;

    A man was called for information recently about a boy and his family (lets call him Dov)

    He was asked a series of questions and just went on raving about how awesome the boy is and how exceptional the family was. He stressed how the chinuch was so perfect and that the harmony at home was so serene and just continued with endless praise.

    When the man inquiring the information realized that he was offered this ‘dream shidduch’, he felt obligated to ask his friend the following, ‘ I’ve been listening to you for the past few minutes and it seems that these people have absolutly no faults whatsoever. Nobody is perfect! Surely there must be SOME FLAWS along the way, just tell them to me, we are good friends’

    ‘No’, replied Dov, ‘I cant think of anything negative, eh, actually the father is not always so ‘yashrusdik’.

    Dov turned all colours and realized how he ‘slipped’ the truth and might have ruined a chance for this shidduch to happen. His friend thanked him for his co operation and put down the phone.

    For the next few weeks Dov was very depressed and couldn’t help but feel responsible for blurting out something which he felt could have been avoided.

    A few days later, Dov gets a call from this very friend who inquired the information a few weeks earlier.

    ‘ I get a Mazel Tov , Dov, I made a shidduch with my daughter’, he said

    ‘Mazel Tov’ Dov replied with a sense of relief, ‘who’s the lucky boy?’ he continued,

    ‘THIS BOY I ASKED YOU INFORMATION ABOUT’, he answered ‘and I just want to tell you that second you admitted the truth about the father, you clinched the shidduch. I dont need a ‘tzaddik, fin a tzaddik antloif ich, I aint one either and I feel that people who are super yekkish are not compatible with us, thank you so much’

    Dov was in complete shock yet felt such satisfaction , realizing that the TRUTH, even if not so impressive can open doors!

    #620259

    lgbg
    Member

    also overflattering is in one of the issurim of lashon hora. and overdoing it sounds really fake!

    #620260

    Joseph
    Participant

    nameless, Beautiful story!

    When relating potentially negative information regarding a shidduch, a shaila should always be asked FIRST.

    #620261

    cherrybim
    Participant

    Great! They deserve each other.

    #620262

    feivel
    Participant

    how to give information is very critical and highly dangerous, to oneself as well as to others. the issue is extensively covered in Halachah.

    no one should give any information unless they are well versed in the Halachas or are guided by a competent Rav

    #620263

    lesschumras
    Participant

    You really have to tell the truth, as it will come out anyway. My friends son had to get an annulment and a get shortly after the wedding when it developed that the bride had severe emotional problems that didn’t come to the surface during the short engagement period. It was only then that people came forward and said that they knew about it ( plus 2 broken engagements ) but that no one wanted to admit because they didn’t want to vishter the shidduch.

    #620264

    oomis
    Member

    I’ll go one better: My former landlords had given my name as a reference (how I HATE that word – this is a shidduch, not a job application) for their daughter, to the prospective boy’s family. I received a phone call from the mother of the boy and proceeded to tell her what a lovely, beautiful young woman she is, with impeccable middos. All in all, a very bacheint prospect. The mother then began questioning me about the parents – fine, wonderful people. What did the father do, what did the mother do. By the time she got to what do the sister-in-law do, I was a little perturbed. What business is it of hers, and how on earth would I know that? She wanted to know if the family is “calm,” which they truly are, but did she think I would tell her otherwise (and I had just gotten finished telling her what lovely balabatish people they are, anyway).

    Here’s the kicker (and I kind of hope the woman is reading this, because she needs to see in print how she sounded to me): After spending almost half an hour (due to her numerous questions) telling this woman what a wonderful shidduch this girl would be for ANYONE’s son, much less her own, she says the following. ” Well all that is well and good, but I hear the girl is very short (true, she is barely 5′), and I don’t want short grandchildren, so I’m not going to say yes!” I was blown away. You waste my time to ask about someone, when all along you have no intention of a follow-through??????? I quietly informed the woman that the height of a child is in the Aibishter’s hands,two tall people with recessive short genes can potentially produce ALL short children, and if that was what she was most concerned about (and not the wonderful middos, beautiful and charming person inside and out that the girl is), then she should probably look elsewhere, because the girl was not getting any taller any time soon. What I really wanted to say was that the girl deserved a much more seicheldig and less shallow mother-in-law than that. But I didn’t. I just wished her hatzlacha in finding the right one for her son.

    #620265

    nameless
    Member

    Oomis,

    Your story is much appreciated.But I fail to see how its related to mine.

    The point I wanted to make was that PERFECT is not always PERFECT.

    I would love to inspire all the young people out there who might feel insecure because of any specific drawbacks they might have. There is someone out there for everyone , if only people would realize that 2 families with faults can be as compatable and as happy as those who perceive themselves as perfect!

    #620266

    willi
    Member

    Some people (& often the juicy gossipers) tend to become extremely holy when it comes to giving information for a shidduch. If you’re unsure whether you should divulge the flaw or not – think, ‘if this would be for me, MY son, daughter, sister, friend, etc., would I want someone to hide this piece of info. from me?’

    If the aswer is a definite no then please say the truth!!

    #620267

    Joseph
    Participant

    Shaila, Shaila, Shaila.

    #620268

    anon for this
    Participant

    nameless and oomis,

    Thank you for sharing your stories. I think the story oomis related is the “flip side” of nameless’s story. The kallah’s family in nameless’s story recognized that they weren’t perfect, and therefore were relieved to find the chassan’s family, though wonderful, wasn’t perfect either. The woman oomis spoke to, on the other hand, seems to believe her son/ family is perfect, & deserves no less than perfection. The landlord’s daughter is lucky to have avoided this situation.

    #620269

    YosephF
    Member

    josephf, terutz, terutz, terutz

    #620270

    willi
    Member

    josephf/YosephF – are you twins? Ur voices seem to echo beautifully – or besser gezugt, you probably inherited the stutter from the same side.. 😉

    #620271

    nameless
    Member

    JOSEPH Iis right!

    Its defintily not so clear that telling the truth is always obligatory!

    #620272

    ZachKessin
    Member

    Everyone has flaws. My wife and I drive each other nuts some of the time, its part of being married. I would rather know about flaws in advance and figure out if they are a deal breaker than have one of my kids get married and then divorce 3 weeks later.

    #620274

    no

    #620275

    Feif Un
    Participant

    My wife and I are both Baalei Teshuva. When our shidduch was in the works, neither side wanted to mention that we both weren’t frum. Our families are all frum, we just went off for a while and are back on now.

    Anyway, on one of our first dates, we both found out that the other was a BT. Definitely bashert!

    #620276

    oomis
    Member

    Your story is much appreciated.But I fail to see how its related to mine.

    The point I wanted to make was that PERFECT is not always PERFECT.

    You’re right, but I also wanted to point out that some people will never think perfect is perfect enough, and will manage to find flaws where none seem to exist. From everything I was telling the woman, this girl was a wonderful shidduch for her son. But she didn’t care about ANYTHING I wasted my breath saying, because the height was an issue before she even called me. People have to understand that only Ha-Shem is perfect. The rest of us just do the best we can to be good people and Shomrei Torah u’Mitzvos, hopefully.

    #620277

    The Big One
    Participant

    Before providing any information that may somehow be interpreted negatively by the recepient, it is imperative to first ask a competent Rabbi if it is permissible.

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