should i break the shidduch

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  • #595031
    maishe dovid
    Member

    i am a yungerman at lakewood who just “came out of the freezer” and ready for my first date this thursday night. i am 26. the girl sounds wonderful with great midos.

    my question is this. in spite of a great deal of checking, my parents just found out last night that the girl is not 20, but rather 25! she is also about 20-30 pounds overweight.

    what should i do and can i cancel the shidduch if this new information is too much to handle.

    i await your input

    #740015
    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    Go out. Worst case you will like the girl. Best case you did a Chessed by not breaking up.

    (or is it the opposite?)

    #740016
    Imaofthree
    Participant

    You just started shidduchim at the age of twenty SIX? I thought most guys start at twenty three at the latest.

    Look at the other details about this girl and if you like what you hear maybe you can give it a try. Twenty five is really not too old for a twenty six year old, is it?

    #740018
    TheGoq
    Participant

    are your parents new at this? sounds like they didnt investigate well enough

    #740021
    fabie
    Member

    Please clarify. Is this before your first date, then there is no real major issue in cancelling on the one hand, and on the other no real major issue of going out; or are you engaged, which is a major issue.

    BTW, 26-25 isn’t so terrible.

    #740023
    yossi z.
    Member

    Call the shadchan on their misinformation is what I would say is the first step. Second step is to think do these issues really bother you that much?

    Don’t EVER just jump and act

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #740024
    real-brisker
    Member

    Is this information to break a shidduch – I dont know, thats up to you. But if it was a reason to break it, I don’t see why it will be less of a reason if you only found out now.

    #740025
    Pashuteh Yid
    Member

    If the girl is not too far, why not be a mensch and go out with her? What do you have to lose?

    #740026
    trak443
    Participant

    1. you don’t know who lied. the girl or the shadchan. if it looks good on paper, go out. if she lies when you ask her, her age, that’ll tell you what type of person she is.

    2. her weight. so what? if you marry skinny and she gains weight after she gives birth, then what’ll you do?

    i personally had a list of physical features i would absolutely not go out with. my wife was everything i said i would NEVER marry.

    #740027

    First of all the age should definitely not be an issue. The weight? Why don’t you go and see for yourself. That being said, you’re 26 and you haven’t gone out yet?! That is something that might be a strike against you. Don’t add any more strikes by being the guy that said no after saying yes, but before meeting.

    If not for anything else, it’s time you get your feet wet. What’s the worst that can happen?

    #740028
    HadaLXTP
    Member

    Maishe Dovid: Yungerman Or Bachur?

    Although I haven’t been in the “Freezer”, I have been in the same situation. Most if not all Shadchanim give a little different description then the truth. I have come to realize that no one can be trusted when it comes to looks and sometimes age. Of the 2 or 3 girls that I “liked” in my dating experience, turned out not to be what I was looking for looks wise. My advice is to give it a try and not necessarily blame the girl by canceling the date.

    Be’Hatzlacha Rabbbah and may we hear wonderful news soon.

    \Gam Zu L’Toivah//

    #740031
    Jam
    Participant

    First of all, whats wrong if she is 25? YOU ARE 26!!!!! The age fits. Why would you look to go out with a girl thats more than a half a decade younger than you!?!?

    About the weight, you really have to be careful because often poeple exagerate or interpret things differently.

    Also, you should definitely consult your LOR before canceling a date that you already agreed upon, it’s not a simple issue….

    ( My sister was once scheduled to go out with a guy for a 2nd date. A day before the date my parents found out information which clearly indicated the shidduch wasn’t for my sister. They asked a Rav and he said that you cant back out on your word, and she should go out)

    #740032
    cocacola
    Member

    GO OUT WITH THE GIRL!! NO ONE IS PERFECT! OK.. SHES OVER WEIGHT.. YOU DONT KNOW EXCACTLY HOW BIG SHE IS AND IF YOU FEEL RLY UNCOMFORTABLE THEN YOU WILL END IT AFTER THE FIRST DATE BUT ATLEAST GIVE HER A CHANCE. THE FACT THAT YOU DIDNT KNOW HER AGE IS QUITE ODD BUT THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED FOR VARIOUS DIFFERENT REASONS. EVERYONE DESERVES A FAIR CHANCE IN LIFE.. NOT TELLING YOU TO MARRY HER, BUT JUST GIVE HER A CHANCE..

    #740036
    doodle jump
    Participant

    This information is not too much to handle. Why would you ever want to hurt a girl’s feelings? She is looking forward to going out. Also, who says that the girl was not being honest? Maybe the shadchan was not honest. Maybe there could be tens of other reasons.

    Go out. Have fun. obviously you were not meant to know that piece of information until now. You did say that your parents did extensive checking. Hatzlacha.

    #740037
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I am not a troll! Why do all you people need to be so prejudiced against me just because I am 26??

    Whoa. Who’s being prejudiced?

    #740038
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    pba,

    I didn’t know it took so long to recover from a caffeine overdose.

    #740039
    amichai
    Participant

    another vote for going out. try it. she might be the one.

    #740040
    maishe dovid
    Member

    i have been learning with great hasmada which is the reason that i have not dated until now. noone that i know dates before 24-25 so your statement about 23 is wrong

    most of the guys in lakewood are looking for size 0-2 (whatever that means) and girls no older than 22

    #740041
    Jam
    Participant

    “no one that i know dates before 24- 25”

    I don’t know who you know but I surely know many yeshiva guys who are married with a kid (or even 2) by the time they are 24-25. I also dont understand why learning with hasmadah is a reason to push off marriage these days, being that you will probably demand full support of the girl for the next 10…15… perhaps even 30 years, so that you can continue learning with hasmada.

    #740042

    ok you crack me up. you say most boys are looking for size 0-2 and they don’t know what that means? or you meant their MOTHERS are knocking that into them? sorry but many boys do start dating before 24.

    #740043
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    noone that i know dates before 24-25 so your statement about 23 is wrong

    Are you an “alter Mirrer”?

    #740044
    AZ
    Participant

    MD:

    i guess you don’t know to many guys in lakewood…

    As of last year, more than 28% of the boys in BMG had gotten engaged or married before the age of 23. That is clearly a significant number. (of course as that number gets higher the crisis will be further alleviated.)

    in the last few years many many boys who began dating close to 23 (or older) are dating and marrying girls their own age.

    #740045
    bpt
    Participant

    25? not a problem

    20-30 lbs overweight? not a problem

    Boys who think they “deserve” something? That’s a problem

    My advice? Go back into the icebox for another 3 months and think about what it is that YOU have to offer, at 26, before turning anyone down.

    #740046
    cocacola
    Member

    a guy looking for a girl thats size 0-2 obviously is very immature and doesnt have his priorities straight!! you are allwed to say that you dont want to marry a really fat girl b/c you would feel uncomfortable with such a large person etc… but to say a specific size.. thats just not right! why do guys think they could be so picky!! ok.. so girls should say “we wont go out with a guy thats larger than a toothpick or older then 23”??.. i mean its all just rediculous! all i could say is DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS! everyones basheret was made for them.. and you’ll find them.. but if your gonna be so picky.. you just may not! lesson in life maishe dovid: NO ONE IS PERFECT.. NOT EVEN YOU! no matter what your mother tells you! 🙂

    #740047
    AZ
    Participant

    This is in all likelihood a false thread.

    1. Boys who are real masmidim to the extent that they put off shidduchim, would most likely not refer to themselves and “having been learning with great hasmada’

    2. A boy who has put off dating do to his sincere dedication to learning, would most likely NOT be posting on YWCR in middle of second seder!

Viewing 25 posts - 1 through 25 (of 25 total)
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