Should I run from this guy???

Home Forums Shidduchim Should I run from this guy???

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  • #616309
    Haskel
    Member

    I was set up with a guy a few weeks ago. We had a few things in common on the first date so we went out on a second date. That’s when problems began. First, he stopped me and let me know that I sounded like his ex, and right after that he revealed to me he went to therapy for his anger problems. Are these two things connected?? Should I stay with him and hope the therapy worked, or should I run as fast as I possibly can??

    #1100031
    technical21
    Participant

    You certainly cannot just “hope” the therapy worked.

    #1100032
    Joseph
    Participant

    First you’ll need to tell us all of your dark secrets, so we can know if the two of you are two peas in a pod made just for each other.

    #1100033

    run as fast as you can. you don’t want to take a chance in bringing this kind of attitude into your life. although you can continue but your taking a big risk cause shall the shidduch work, I doubt his anger management issues can be resolved in time for the wedding to start a fresh new happy life with you.

    a Psychologist

    #1100034
    Happy Go Lucky!!
    Participant

    Second that. You don’t need anger problems. Esp. one who confesses and attests to that. If I’d be you, I’d certainly RUN!!!

    ps sometimes it gets to ???? ?????, no, you don’t wanna be “news” ?”?.

    #1100035
    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    So I guess I shouldn’t go for anger management. I see that it is assumed that there is no such thing.

    #1100036

    So anyone who was brave enough to go for anger management and admit it is assumed to be a sociopath?

    #1100037
    fathousewife
    Participant

    the concern is not that he went for help, the concern is the comparison with his ex. That is odious

    #1100038
    sm29
    Participant

    There is, and it’s good to go. But if the person is in the process of working on certain issues, it might be best for the person to work out the issues first.

    #1100039
    Abba_S
    Participant

    The Guy appears to be the type who want a yes spouse. He will want you to separate from friends and family. You will never be able to make him happy. In some case, there will only be verbal abuse but many times it gets physical and ends in divorce. Are you that desperate to get married?

    If you are asking the question you realize that it’s going to be a problem. You should know that the boys are on their best behavior when they are going out it’s only going to get worst once you are married.

    #1100040
    Happy Go Lucky!!
    Participant

    ????? ????? ???? ????? ????? or something like that. Which means that while hes holding a knife running after her, for putting too little salt into his eggs, he’s not going to suddenly sit down and contemplate sessions, courses and discourses how NOT to kill her.

    To an extent they help “manage” the anger, “anger management”, there’s no guarantee that they’ll totally eradicate it. And when the mouse is let out, when it comes to the true test, no one wants to be the “guinea pig”.

    #1100041
    Health
    Participant

    First of all, I agree with Joe. Second of all, I agree with Mrs. fat wife.

    #1100042
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    i agree with HaLeiVi and yayin.

    i cant believe you are all making so many assumptions about someone from one comment. If he said to her, “You know what, you sound like my ex-wife”, then that is surely an issue. but if it was in a different context it may not have been. And he didn’t say he dropped out of anger management, or that it was last week. What if it was years ago and he is a new person? I would almost be more concerned about a girl who tells two bits of a story to the CR and wants advice about the rest of her life. But then again, i am assuming this isnt the only place she has turned.

    altho i think this thread is more for entertainment then direction, people need to be VERY careful before they shter a shidduch. especially when you are giving such definitive statements about an unknown situation.

    #1100043
    Happy Go Lucky!!
    Participant

    Agreed. Maybe she should should first do some research why his ex is missing a nose, a couple of broken bones, full of marks.. Not really, he says he going to “manage” his anger from now on. Really.

    Maybe it was the Rambam (or maybe just making it up) that says before one chooses a friend, companion, one should fist test him regrading anger.

    OK, maybe don’t run, but at least it’s a BIT more than the color tablecloth they use. It may save one’s life!!!

    #1100045
    skripka
    Participant

    ditto to not overreacting , but you need to be cautious.

    A) is he still hung up on his ex? if he hasn’t moved on, you don’t want constant comparisons

    B) if he has moved on, then if he is comparing you to her , is it positively or negatively? ( some divorced couples might have split amicably, with some things working but too much not working out to stay married, who knows , it might have been a positive comment. ask him)

    C) MAKE SURE B4 YOU MARRY HIM THAT HE IS NOT A ANGRY, DEMANDING PERSON. A PERSON WHO IS ANGRY AND IS A STRICT, AUTHORITATIVE ,PERSON WHO WILL NOT LET YOU MAKE A MISTAKE WILL STIFLE ANY JOY YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE, make sure if he had the problem that it is taken care of BEFORE marriage. promises don’t work. not because he is automatically a bad person, but because it is that important

    #1100046
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    ” Maybe she should should first do some research why his ex is missing a nose, a couple of broken bones, full of marks.. Not really, he says he going to “manage” his anger from now on.”

    if that is a joke i think it is in very poor taste. if it isnt a joke i think it is very unfair to accuse a person who took anger management of being physically abusive. there are very good people out there who have short tempers when under horrible stress, which a bad marriage tends to be.

    anger isn’t something to overlook, but presenting all people who have worked on themselves as closet abusers can be very damaging to some very good people.

    i know more than a handful of people who were monsters in their bad marriages and are wonderful people in their second marriages. it needs to be investigated, not discounted.

    #1100047
    YesOrNo
    Participant

    Should I run from this guy???

    yes

    #1100048
    Happy Go Lucky!!
    Participant

    Hear you, Syag.

    #1100049
    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    Perhaps part of his anger management is to mention his ex nonchalantly. He had to report to his therapist that he did that and the day was almost over.

    Oh, and this is indeed a joke. I hope in better taste.

    #1100050
    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    We aren’t about to throw the whole Mussar section in the garbage, are we. We are born to work on ourselves. We all do get angry at times. I would like to think that I did work on my own anger.

    It is indeed a challenge, since the opportunity to work on it usually comes up while you are mad. But it’s possible. And if there is such a thing as anger management I imagine it addresses that.

    I mentioned here once before, IIRC, how working on Middos can take the form of self critique after the fact, until eventually you gain control.

    #1100051
    rational jew
    Participant

    On the one hand I should tell you to run from him but on the other I might wreck your future so I’ll tell you to leave unless I’m not qualified to answer this question. I hope I’ve been helpful.

    #1100052
    rational jew
    Participant

    Seriously I think no one can answer if they don’t know both of you.

    #1100053
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Why is everyone assuming that “anger problems” means violence or abuse? It could mean almost anything.

    #1100054
    MDG
    Participant

    “Why is everyone assuming that “anger problems” means violence or abuse?”

    Because we all get angry sometimes, but few of us are bad enough to require anger management counseling. Counseling connotes something beyond an occasional outburst.

    #1100055
    DikDukDuck
    Participant

    You don’t have to marry him.

    #1100056
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    MDG – it’s different when a person is involved in a divorce. Sometimes it’s a prerequisite. There are a lot of people out there who’s “get angry sometimes” and i find them pretty scary to be around. Lots of people could use it, only some people end up going thru it.

    #1100057
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    The original post says “therapy for anger problems”, not “anger management counseling”.

    #1100058
    mentsch1
    Participant

    Someone who admits they had anger issues and sought counselling is someone I respect.

    Isn’t admitting our faults and seeking to stop them the whole point of tshuva and rosh hashana.

    That said you need to do a lot of research into his divorce, and even (if you are unsure) ask him for permission to call his therapist.

    I know several cases of people who did this during shidduchim

    And Mashiach Agent

    your comment sounds like a condemnation of your entire field. Aren’t psychologists supposed to be able to help people cure their problems?

    Frankly we all deal with anger issues, Rav Moshe in his sefer talks about how he suffered from anger issues.

    We all need to learn how to control our anger, maybe this guy was successful and is a great guy.

    #1100059
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    “your comment sounds like a condemnation of your entire field. Aren’t psychologists supposed to be able to help people cure their problems?”

    in that particular comment i think he was speaking as a financial manager

    #1100060
    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    It might just mean that he couldn’t forgive her for a minor issue and divorced her irrationally. That’s quite an anger issue. Perhaps he yelled to much, perhaps he was a Baal Mussar and held himself in but he turned beet red three times a day.

    #1100061
    Joseph
    Participant

    Perhaps people shouldn’t tell their shidduch date that they went to therapy, whether anger therapy or any other therapy, since it will open a whole can of worms. Better to shveig shtill.

    #1100062
    teshuva5776
    Member

    Most, if not, all, people will come along with baggage and be hidden secrets. If someone was open with you that early on, I see it as a sign of honesty and a positive thing, overall. At least you know the bachur is someone who works on himself constantly.

    You have to be careful that you are giving up your zivug without being understanding and conscious of the fact that you are not perfect either. The last thing you would want is for Hashem to pass judgement on you for that and replace the zivug with one who you are fooled by and ends up causing you to have a tikkun for passing judgement yourself without allowing Ha’kadosh Baruch Hu to be in control.

    #1100063
    oomis
    Participant

    I would be cautious. His reference to his ex and comparison to you on the second date, presumably when he is trying to impress you, and presumably NOT meant to be a flattering comparison, reveals a red flag. I would not proceeed without further information. He may be better now after therapy, than in his first marriage, but you need more information. And if you see any signs of extreme anger (how he deals with wait staff for example), I wouldn’t continue. Otherwise, find out more. He may have learned from his first experience.

    #1100064
    Dwek
    Member

    @Teshuva…..”You have to be careful that you are giving up your zivug without being understanding and conscious of the fact that you are not perfect either. The last thing you would want is for Hashem to pass judgement on you for that and replace the zivug with one who you are fooled by and ends up causing you to have a tikkun for passing judgement yourself without allowing Ha’kadosh Baruch Hu to be in control”

    relax son, you’re acting like you know the mechanics of what goes on up there. We don’t know the reasons for kapparahs or how tikkunim work…I wouldn’t try to predict future punishments of what might happen if the OP turns down this person…

    #1100065
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    You need to find out more info. Some people are at their worst on first dates. I personally would advise to drop someone with anger problems like a hot potato, but if you also have anger problems and can stand up for yourself it will work out.

    Although I feel sorry for kids of such marriages.

    #1100066
    cinderella
    Member

    Some people are at their worst on first dates.

    Most people try to present the best possible version of themselves on the first date. So if they’re awful on the first date, that’s not a good sign. You can say some people might be at their most awkward on their first date and may come across as strange or whatnot. But it’s a bad sign if they’re at their worst.

    #1100067
    apushatayid
    Participant

    does committing to seeing this guy another time mean you are committed to him forever? If you have doubts, see him again and see how it works out.

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