Should Your Spouse Be Your Best Friend?

I think friendship is a mix of a commitment to your friend and spending time with a person with whom you share common interests. I think a marriage can get on pretty well with just the commitment part, but is energized very much when spouses enjoy each other’s company. The difference between regular friendship and marriage is that marriage can manage solely on commitment. However, a marriage won’t THRIVE w/o friendship.

zaltvasser
In most cases, men and women don’t have the same interests and pleasures. It’s unfair and unrealistic to crate an expectation which isn’t often the case. And the pursuit of it is also unhealthy. If it’s there, then it’s maybe a bonus. They might however enjoy each others company even without sharing interests. I can explain this but it’s rather lengthy and technical, Suffice it to say that in looking for a shidduch, one should not be looking for sharing recreational interests, as long as their background and personalities are basically compatible and they share values, not pleasures. They should be looking for a fine person with whom they would have a common goal and with whom they could have a caring and growing relationship.

Joseph,

What does it mean to describe a spouse as a friend?

The basic definition of friendship is a relationship based on mutual affection – two people who like each other. I would think that this is extremely important in a marriage. When someone says his spouse is his best friend, it is a way of expressing affection for her.

Avram in MD
Marriage is a union with a purpose. The essential purpose is to give the person his completeness. This, however, is achieved as they unite to fulfill life’s specific goals and purposes. They are presented with all of life’s activities and challenges, and as they work together as a union in all that life brings, they relate with each other and grow to become a unit of completeness in the sense of being a complete human being, with all of the potential human positive qualities being realized. As they function this way together, they need to be true friends. They need to make sure their other half is content and well in every sense possible. If they don’t so then they are shooting their own selves in the foot, so to speak. As they function as a union, united in purpose, and complete loyalty and with this true friendship, they will tremendously enjoy working together. Working together with that type of unity and friendship is pleasurable beyond anything else. But they are not together in recreation, (except to the extent that that’s what they believe is needed to help achieve the goals) but together in purpose. That is true togetherness. Whereas togetherness in recreation is not really togetherness, because basically everyone is only thinking about his or her own good time. So while they don’t share recreational interests, since they share goals, that’s where the friendship kicks in, and they will enjoy each others company far more that simply by sharing the same taste in fun activities.

As a side point, my understanding is that Joseph is asking because he wants to know what to look for in a shidduch. I think it’s unfair to him, and potentially damaging, to give the impression that it’s about finding a buddy for recreation, or even partly about that. That’s not a good message for a person looking for a shidduch and also not for married person. In a shidduch they should be looking for a fine person with whom they would have a common goal and with whom they could have a caring and growing relationship.

Tom Dick n Harry,

Thank you for taking the time to clarify your point – I found it extremely helpful.

Marriage is a union with a purpose. The essential purpose is to give the person his completeness.

I agree, but would add that the purpose is to also to expand oneself through devotion to his/her spouse, and to emulate Hashem, who cares for us, by caring for our spouse. The desire for completeness drives a man to seek a wife.

As they function this way together, they need to be true friends. They need to make sure their other half is content and well in every sense possible. If they don’t so then they are shooting their own selves in the foot, so to speak. As they function as a union, united in purpose, and complete loyalty and with this true friendship, they will tremendously enjoy working together. Working together with that type of unity and friendship is pleasurable beyond anything else.

I agree with everything you wrote here.

But they are not together in recreation, (except to the extent that that’s what they believe is needed to help achieve the goals) but together in purpose. That is true togetherness.

I don’t fully agree with this. While it’s true that spouses don’t need to share their superficial interests, I think it’s important for spouses to spend “recreational” time together too, and to find mutual recreational interests. Husband loves to play chess. Wife does not play, and has no interest in the game. Fine. Husband can go play chess with Shlomo each week, and Wife is delighted that her husband gets to do something he enjoys. But they should find other ways to spend time together; it’s just another way to show commitment to each other.

Whereas togetherness in recreation is not really togetherness, because basically everyone is only thinking about his or her own good time.

That’s a rather dim view of recreation. If that were really the case, I’d say that all recreation should be avoided.

So while they don’t share recreational interests, since they share goals, that’s where the friendship kicks in, and they will enjoy each others company far more that simply by sharing the same taste in fun activities.

That’s fine, but I also think the couple should try to find recreational activities they both enjoy.

As a side point, my understanding is that Joseph is asking because he wants to know what to look for in a shidduch.

I seriously doubt that, so don’t be worried on his behalf.

I think it’s unfair to him, and potentially damaging, to give the impression that it’s about finding a buddy for recreation, or even partly about that. That’s not a good message for a person looking for a shidduch and also not for married person. In a shidduch they should be looking for a fine person with whom they would have a common goal and with whom they could have a caring and growing relationship.

In terms of finding a shidduch, I agree. Similar interests does not necessarily mean compatibility, and vice versa. But once married, build some mutual interests together!

a friend is someone who you connect with, in whatever area it might be, based on common interests. The more interests, the better connection the better the friendship. I do believe that the wife has to be a very good friend. Otherwise it’s not a deep relationship. There’s a great book called The river, the kettle and the bird. The lowest level of a martial life is like a river between 2 countries ..i do for you, you do for me. The next level is the kettle where 2 opposite forces (water and fire) come together for a common goal.. In this case to boil the water. But the ultimate level is the bird, when all aspects of life (walking, flying, eating of the bird) are like part of one unit, like the bird itself.

No less than with anyone else.

Joseph,
‘Do you think Rav Elyashiv, Rav Chaim, Rav Shach, the Steipler, the Chazon Ish, Rav Moshe, the Satmar Rebbe, the Gerrer Rebbe, Rav Aharon, the Chofetz Chaim, and most others in their category were friends with their Rebbetzins?’
By my definition, yes.

Kitov, just the opposite, in order to avoid a wife that you describe, you better make sure she’s your best friend.
I never understood that chazal. What does it mean if he is zoche-then she’s an ezer, does it mean if he gets lucky? Or is he deserves it? That can’t be cause the gemora says first shiduch is based on mazal and only second on maasim

Joseph,

Any response to my speculation above as for why “friend” has become a marital term of endearment?

Joseph,

Do you sing “Yedid Nefesh” on Shabbos at Shalosh seudos? Does it bother you that we call Hashem our friend, among numerous other parental terms of endearment?

I haven’t noticed Joseph answering this.

There was a surrounding culture which had a toxic view of our relationship with Hashem?