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how do i ovcercome shyness? its not terrible its just when i talk to ppl im often awkward and at loss for words cuz of shyness… how do i change that?
Maybe it’s Aspergers?
workinonit – i have been shy all my life. painfully shy at times. i guess as the years have gone by (no i’m not sooooo old) it’s gotten better, but i would still say i’m shy. i, too, feel awkward and at a loss for words at times. you ask how to change that. honestly, i don’t really know. so i’m hoping others may have some advise for both of us. hatzlacha to you. i’m sure we’re not alone in this. not everyone can be outspoken and always know the right things to say at the right time.
workinonit and gefen, I’m really shy, too. I’ve struggled with it all my life. I don’t think I can give advice, either, since it’s still an issue and it affects my everyday life. Gefen, if you don’t mind me asking: you’re married, right? How did your shyness affect your dating and how did you overcome it? How does your husband feel about it?
It helps to know there are others who struggle with this issue, too. I actually thought I was the only one until now.
Gefen, you? Shy? 🙂
It’s totally normal to be shy. We all experience it from time to time (even the most outgoing). My sister is painfully shy, but I noticed when she married someone she is happy with her personality completely opened up. There are techniques that you can learn to deal with your shyness, if you feel it’s debilitating.
I think shyness is based on fear and being completely “associated” with that emotion.
You might want to try practicing “disassociating” when you’re in a relaxed situation without social pressure. What that means is be aware of yourself as though you are a third party observing workinonit from the sidelines. I think this technique works for anything, including anger. You become an observer rather than the person experiencing it. You’ll be able to practice separating from those fears.
Also, try to pay attention to your (irrational) fears that you are silently thinking. Practice challenging the premise of those fears (ie: “I’ll say something silly/irrelevant and I’ll feel awkward and I will not be able to
handle it”).
Finally, notice in what contexts or around whom you are shy(weddings, meeting new people, group
conversations). You might be able to practice the behaviors of someone who is outgoing (act “as if”), or notice a trend of a topic others frequently talk about which you can learn more about so that you can participate ( notice trends and prepare).
I hope this helps a bit.
workinonit, have you considered some public speaking or elocution lessons? These activities can often raise your level of self confidence. There is a wonderful group called Toastmasters that is usually men only (the women have their own groups called Toastmistresses) that do just that sort of thing. People take turns writing speeches and giving them at the meetings. This organization has done wonders for many people. Another thing you could do is to chair a group – at your shul or some other organization. As chairperson, you will be required to work with other committee members and present reports to your board. You will be doing some very good work and helping yourself at the same time. Best of luck in your endeavor to overcome shyness.
I really like mommamia’s and minyan gal’s approaches. I was actually extremely shy and stagefright throughout high school, and when I took a public speaking class in my senior year I thought I would completely fail. But after a few speeches I realized that I became much more comfortable with it. I realized that I have nothing to be afraid of, and I can even use my creativity to actually create an effect through my speeches. That’s when public speaking became my complete favorite class! I took another public speaking class in college, and loved it even more.
So, shyness affects many many people, and there are different methods of dealing with it. But one is to simply get up there conquer your fear by getting used to speaking in public and having open opinions. People will see how valuable your opinions and advice are and you will feel so much better about yourself.
queen bee:
actually when i was dating, it really depended on the guy. with some guys i wasn’t so shy, others were a bit intimidating. (there were times i came home and felt so embarrassed or foolish cuz i thought i probably acted really dumb) when i finally met the one who is now my husband, it was really quite comfortable. i don’t know whether or not you are dating yet, but don’t get all worked up about it (i know – easier said than done). but i just want you to know that even those who aren’t shy can have a hard time on a date. when the right one comes along – somehow you know it and it all works out. hatzlacha rabba to you!!
sem20:
do i know you? 😉
ditto to middle paths post. i was BEYOND stage fright growing up and in my junior year in high school we had public speaking….im proud to say that after that, in sem, i spoke in front of the teachers and the whole school, was in the school play three times, and directed and solo’d on a music cd!!! 🙂
Queen Bee:
You actually spoke in front of your class in h.s and college?! You’re way ahead of me! I was too afraid to raise my hand to just answer a question! When I got to sem, the thought of giving model lessons in front of my class and then in front of an elementary school class with the teachers watching me!!!!!!!!! – YIKES! – that really blew me away. i literally shook when i had to do it! but i did it anyway and lived to tell the story 🙂
it’s funny though, i always thought i’d be a nervous wreck at my wedding – after all – the kallah is the center of attention. but guess what? it was the most amazing day! i was not nervous at all and i really enjoyed every minute of it! so go figure!
gefen, actually no, I never raised my hand in HS. I did in elementary school, though. A little. Teachers complained all the time. Getting good grades wasn’t enough, huh? HS was just a really bad environment for me, so any chance of getting over my shyness was not possible. I think it even made it worse. I never chose to present assignments! I was forced. One teacher gave me a hard time in ninth grade. But oddly, when I had to make a presentation in college, as shy and awkward as I felt, I really did a good job, so I guess I felt okay about it. I didn’t do it alone, though, and it was in a class full of non-Jews, and for me that made it better.
Thanks for your help.
I once had an English Gwammer teacher(I know it’s spelt with an r, but this one COULDN’T spell) who told us a tip for public speaking…. cant really say it here though…:) I’m surprised my twin didn’t mention it yet, CAUSE SHE WOULD! Unless the mod deleted it…;)
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