December 16, 2010 4:22 pm at 4:22 pm #593547memoMember
What do you think about when your brother nixs guys right off the bat bc he heard of them….are they worth looking into at alll…i mean trusting that your brother knows what hes talking about!!!!! isnt it important to only go out and sift through all the guys b4 not just simply going out if it sounds like it would be a reg ok date – nothing too promising–December 16, 2010 4:27 pm at 4:27 pm #1015494mikehall12382Member
How would your brother feel if his dates were nixed because others knew of him….no ones perfect, everyone one has positives and negatives…December 16, 2010 4:34 pm at 4:34 pm #1015495
p.s its not just brothers who nix guys- sisters nix girls tooDecember 16, 2010 4:40 pm at 4:40 pm #1015496dunnoMember
You have to know your brother. I know mine does a great job and I trust him completely. If he tells me no, it’s no.December 16, 2010 4:41 pm at 4:41 pm #1015497Brooklyn YentaParticipant
if your brother didn’t hear anything bad about the guy, if there’s no specific reason not to go out with him, why don’t you? i’ve heard of many stories where the sibs didn’t think it was a match, but the couple themselves thought otherwise 🙂December 16, 2010 4:46 pm at 4:46 pm #1015498Lakewood MomMember
you never know. I would not allow a shiudduch just to be nixed unless he has a valid reason besides personality.December 16, 2010 5:12 pm at 5:12 pm #1015499mikehall12382Member
besides, people change…what one did in highschool is not something they would do now!December 16, 2010 5:38 pm at 5:38 pm #1015500aries2756Participant
If you and your brother are thisclose and he really checks into the boy and does a personal investigation then I would trust what he says. But just stam siblings who just heard of somebody, NO, I wouldn’t trust that, because bochurim who were clowns in elementary or High School could be totally different by the time they are ready for shiduchim and that can be attributed to many things, growing up, maturing, the hashpaah they had from their Rebbeim in Bais Medrash, the Bais itself and the sevivah they were in, for instance E”Y, Lakewood, Scranton, etc. You learn a lot from the friends you are with and the families they introduce you to. So you have to judge your prospects on who they are now not who they were in High School and that goes for girls as well.
A girl who was nerdy or shy in HS may not be that way after seminary. There could have been an entire transformation after a year of independence. So just hearing about someone is not enough to base a decision on.December 16, 2010 5:48 pm at 5:48 pm #1015501
aries- good points.
the problem is that many of the siblings mean well and want the best for their brother/sister but sometimes it can be detrimental. I’ve read a shidduch once and a sibling knew the person i was redding and the answer i was told – i can see the personalities match but nah i dont think so… And that was that the mother didn’t pursue it at all! i am still wondering what she meant. And i know a few more who really mean well but they just want the BEST for their sibling and they want a perfect person.December 16, 2010 6:06 pm at 6:06 pm #1015502apushatayidParticipant
My sisters had an opinion on everything, including the girls I dated. Especially those who were their classmates. I just took everything with a large grain of salt.December 16, 2010 6:35 pm at 6:35 pm #1015503SacrilegeMember
I would tell him for every one he nixes he has to come up with a new suggestion.December 16, 2010 7:25 pm at 7:25 pm #1015504arcParticipant
sac chances are the brother has her best interest in mind.December 16, 2010 7:34 pm at 7:34 pm #1015505aries2756Participant
blinky, when people talk about “Perfect” I tell them no one’s perfect only Hashem, and we know that a person isn’t whole until s/he finds their zivig so how can they be perfect? Only when when they find their zivig and we make the shidduch we get Hashem’s stamp of approval and then we can say “Oh what a perfect couple”.December 16, 2010 7:52 pm at 7:52 pm #1015506bennaishekParticipant
When i was in shidduchim i gad so many “sisters ” it was nearly impossible for a girl to get approved . I ended up marrying a girl from Europe . 🙂December 16, 2010 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #1015507popa_bar_abbaParticipant
You should ask why; it is your decision to make. If they say personality, you should weigh that against your other options. If they say he is a bad person to be with, you should ask how he knows.December 16, 2010 8:57 pm at 8:57 pm #1015508
aries i agree a thousand percent!
Also just to add on to my previous post im not saying that there is no credibility to what they are saying- if you trust your sibling and sometimes they “know” its not going to work thats fine but if its a constant thing everytime a shidduch is redt and its nixed by this same sibling maybe there is something wrong, and its time not to listen and do your own checking.December 16, 2010 9:01 pm at 9:01 pm #1015509SacrilegeMember
I’m sure they do, but that isnt the point. Its harder to nix when you have to come up w another suggestion.
My brother and I were dating at the same time so we would always run things past each other, he knew the guys and I knew the girls. Once a name of a girl (who I knew) came up who I didnt think was for him but there wasnt anything wrong her so I said go for it! And… he marries her.
I think guys tend to nix faster than girls because if they dont “see it” its an automatic no, they wont even give it a chance. And they do this with their sisters as well.December 16, 2010 9:07 pm at 9:07 pm #1015510not IMember
I was always thankful when my brithers were involved. It depends if they are older and married or just an immature bochur..
i appreciate that my brother gave an OK to my husband. i know my brothers had high standards!
As well it depends on if you already started or only looked into..December 16, 2010 9:08 pm at 9:08 pm #1015511dunnoMember
Lol. That’s one way to do it!December 16, 2010 10:33 pm at 10:33 pm #1015512arcParticipant
I guess the reasons depend my sisters knew my wife and were ok they nixed a different girl because of bad middos and I nixed two boys because I had connections to friends of theirs so I got info they wouldnt have otherwise told people.May 12, 2014 4:41 pm at 4:41 pm #10155132NI3Participant
is it right for a sis to nix just cuz it would be awkward to be related to her friendMay 12, 2014 4:57 pm at 4:57 pm #1015514sem613Participant
2NI3- that is ridiculous, unless there’s something else going on like a longgoing feud (which should be solved anyway). Sisters are one of the best sources of setting up.
on the other hand, if she says its not a good idea, and not worth even going out because it will be awkward when it doesnt work out…May 12, 2014 5:00 pm at 5:00 pm #1015515🐵 ⌨ GamanitParticipant
No way… you’ll get used to it, and the awkwardness will go away.May 12, 2014 5:20 pm at 5:20 pm #1015516popa_bar_abbaParticipant
is it right for a sis to nix just cuz it would be awkward to be related to her friend
um what? tell her it’s ok, if her “awkwardness” is more important than your marriage, you’ll just break off all ties with her after the wedding and it won’t be awkward anymoreMay 12, 2014 6:08 pm at 6:08 pm #1015517
I don’t think anyone should get married to someone with a family. They might become friends with their new relatives, which would be terribly awkward.May 12, 2014 7:23 pm at 7:23 pm #1015518golferParticipant
DaasY, you’re reminding me of the guy who went to pick up his date and was asked to sit down at the dining room table where he was farherred by the girl’s father. Partly it was nerves and partly he wasn’t the biggest lamdan out there, b’kitzur, he failed the farherr miserably. Finally the disappointed father asked him, “Nu, so tell me, what kind of a girl are you looking for?”
And he answered, “A Yisoima.”May 12, 2014 8:39 pm at 8:39 pm #1015519🐵 ⌨ GamanitParticipant
DaasYochid +1May 13, 2014 4:45 pm at 4:45 pm #10155202NI3Participant
ok I was not clear enuf before lets say im friends with X and I got redt to her brother is it right if X nixes the idea because she thinks its awkward?May 13, 2014 9:11 pm at 9:11 pm #1015521oyyoyyoyParticipant
when i get red to friends’ siblings i like trying to find out a little more information than usual so it wont just be a “why not lets try” and itll be more of a “this cud really work”
im assuming her concern is if the shidduch doesnt work, which may lead to awkwardness between you two?May 14, 2014 12:02 am at 12:02 am #1015522
im assuming her concern is if the shidduch doesnt work, which may lead to awkwardness between you two?
That would be a more rational fear, but still a selfish consideration. If that were her reson, I would tell her to be mature about it; if it’s appropriate, redt the shidduch, and if it doesn’t work out, keep your frienship anyhow.
It’s also possible that the sibling doesn’t think it’s an appropriate shidduch and is using awkwardness as a cover, in order not to insult her friend.May 15, 2014 1:15 pm at 1:15 pm #1015523
It makes more sense just not to get married to someone whose siblings are friendly. Make sure they bite!May 16, 2014 5:24 pm at 5:24 pm #1015524oyyoyyoyParticipant
DY, i agree but if she doesnt want to back down then maybe she knows they/their friendship wont be able to handle the worst.
i also really hear the cover theoryMay 18, 2014 4:03 am at 4:03 am #1015525writersoulMember
Sorry, what does your friend have to do with your brother’s shidduchim?
When my grade got the speech about Dor Yeshorim, we were told that shidduchim get nixed for much stupider reasons than being matches for recessive genetic diseases. This is, IMHO, definitely (DEFINITELY) one of them.May 18, 2014 1:19 pm at 1:19 pm #1015526
But it’s sort of like marrying a neighbor or an adopted cousin.May 18, 2014 1:35 pm at 1:35 pm #1015527
What’s wrong with marrying a neighbor?May 18, 2014 2:30 pm at 2:30 pm #1015528
It’s old-fashioned.May 18, 2014 3:46 pm at 3:46 pm #1015529
Is old-fashioned bad?May 19, 2014 12:49 am at 12:49 am #1015530
Did I say it was? I happen to be one of the most old-fashioned people I know, though being that I’m also one of the least, it might not count.
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