Siblings involved in your shidduchim

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  • #593547
    memo
    Member

    What do you think about when your brother nixs guys right off the bat bc he heard of them….are they worth looking into at alll…i mean trusting that your brother knows what hes talking about!!!!! isnt it important to only go out and sift through all the guys b4 not just simply going out if it sounds like it would be a reg ok date – nothing too promising–

    #1015494

    How would your brother feel if his dates were nixed because others knew of him….no ones perfect, everyone one has positives and negatives…

    #1015495
    blinky
    Participant

    p.s its not just brothers who nix guys- sisters nix girls too

    #1015496
    dunno
    Member

    You have to know your brother. I know mine does a great job and I trust him completely. If he tells me no, it’s no.

    #1015497
    Brooklyn Yenta
    Participant

    if your brother didn’t hear anything bad about the guy, if there’s no specific reason not to go out with him, why don’t you? i’ve heard of many stories where the sibs didn’t think it was a match, but the couple themselves thought otherwise 🙂

    #1015498
    Lakewood Mom
    Member

    you never know. I would not allow a shiudduch just to be nixed unless he has a valid reason besides personality.

    #1015499

    besides, people change…what one did in highschool is not something they would do now!

    #1015500
    aries2756
    Participant

    If you and your brother are thisclose and he really checks into the boy and does a personal investigation then I would trust what he says. But just stam siblings who just heard of somebody, NO, I wouldn’t trust that, because bochurim who were clowns in elementary or High School could be totally different by the time they are ready for shiduchim and that can be attributed to many things, growing up, maturing, the hashpaah they had from their Rebbeim in Bais Medrash, the Bais itself and the sevivah they were in, for instance E”Y, Lakewood, Scranton, etc. You learn a lot from the friends you are with and the families they introduce you to. So you have to judge your prospects on who they are now not who they were in High School and that goes for girls as well.

    A girl who was nerdy or shy in HS may not be that way after seminary. There could have been an entire transformation after a year of independence. So just hearing about someone is not enough to base a decision on.

    #1015501
    blinky
    Participant

    aries- good points.

    the problem is that many of the siblings mean well and want the best for their brother/sister but sometimes it can be detrimental. I’ve read a shidduch once and a sibling knew the person i was redding and the answer i was told – i can see the personalities match but nah i dont think so… And that was that the mother didn’t pursue it at all! i am still wondering what she meant. And i know a few more who really mean well but they just want the BEST for their sibling and they want a perfect person.

    #1015502
    apushatayid
    Participant

    My sisters had an opinion on everything, including the girls I dated. Especially those who were their classmates. I just took everything with a large grain of salt.

    #1015503
    Sacrilege
    Member

    I would tell him for every one he nixes he has to come up with a new suggestion.

    #1015504
    arc
    Participant

    sac chances are the brother has her best interest in mind.

    #1015505
    aries2756
    Participant

    blinky, when people talk about “Perfect” I tell them no one’s perfect only Hashem, and we know that a person isn’t whole until s/he finds their zivig so how can they be perfect? Only when when they find their zivig and we make the shidduch we get Hashem’s stamp of approval and then we can say “Oh what a perfect couple”.

    #1015506
    bennaishek
    Participant

    When i was in shidduchim i gad so many “sisters ” it was nearly impossible for a girl to get approved . I ended up marrying a girl from Europe . 🙂

    #1015507
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    You should ask why; it is your decision to make. If they say personality, you should weigh that against your other options. If they say he is a bad person to be with, you should ask how he knows.

    #1015508
    blinky
    Participant

    aries i agree a thousand percent!

    Also just to add on to my previous post im not saying that there is no credibility to what they are saying- if you trust your sibling and sometimes they “know” its not going to work thats fine but if its a constant thing everytime a shidduch is redt and its nixed by this same sibling maybe there is something wrong, and its time not to listen and do your own checking.

    #1015509
    Sacrilege
    Member

    arc

    I’m sure they do, but that isnt the point. Its harder to nix when you have to come up w another suggestion.

    My brother and I were dating at the same time so we would always run things past each other, he knew the guys and I knew the girls. Once a name of a girl (who I knew) came up who I didnt think was for him but there wasnt anything wrong her so I said go for it! And… he marries her.

    I think guys tend to nix faster than girls because if they dont “see it” its an automatic no, they wont even give it a chance. And they do this with their sisters as well.

    #1015510
    not I
    Member

    I was always thankful when my brithers were involved. It depends if they are older and married or just an immature bochur..

    i appreciate that my brother gave an OK to my husband. i know my brothers had high standards!

    As well it depends on if you already started or only looked into..

    #1015511
    dunno
    Member

    bennaishek:

    Lol. That’s one way to do it!

    #1015512
    arc
    Participant

    I guess the reasons depend my sisters knew my wife and were ok they nixed a different girl because of bad middos and I nixed two boys because I had connections to friends of theirs so I got info they wouldnt have otherwise told people.

    #1015513
    2NI3
    Participant

    bump

    is it right for a sis to nix just cuz it would be awkward to be related to her friend

    #1015514
    sem613
    Participant

    2NI3- that is ridiculous, unless there’s something else going on like a longgoing feud (which should be solved anyway). Sisters are one of the best sources of setting up.

    on the other hand, if she says its not a good idea, and not worth even going out because it will be awkward when it doesnt work out…

    #1015515
    🐵 ⌨ Gamanit
    Participant

    No way… you’ll get used to it, and the awkwardness will go away.

    #1015516
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    is it right for a sis to nix just cuz it would be awkward to be related to her friend

    um what? tell her it’s ok, if her “awkwardness” is more important than your marriage, you’ll just break off all ties with her after the wedding and it won’t be awkward anymore

    #1015517
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I don’t think anyone should get married to someone with a family. They might become friends with their new relatives, which would be terribly awkward.

    #1015518
    golfer
    Participant

    DaasY, you’re reminding me of the guy who went to pick up his date and was asked to sit down at the dining room table where he was farherred by the girl’s father. Partly it was nerves and partly he wasn’t the biggest lamdan out there, b’kitzur, he failed the farherr miserably. Finally the disappointed father asked him, “Nu, so tell me, what kind of a girl are you looking for?”

    And he answered, “A Yisoima.”

    #1015519
    🐵 ⌨ Gamanit
    Participant

    DaasYochid +1

    #1015520
    2NI3
    Participant

    ok I was not clear enuf before lets say im friends with X and I got redt to her brother is it right if X nixes the idea because she thinks its awkward?

    #1015521
    oyyoyyoy
    Participant

    when i get red to friends’ siblings i like trying to find out a little more information than usual so it wont just be a “why not lets try” and itll be more of a “this cud really work”

    im assuming her concern is if the shidduch doesnt work, which may lead to awkwardness between you two?

    #1015522
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    im assuming her concern is if the shidduch doesnt work, which may lead to awkwardness between you two?

    That would be a more rational fear, but still a selfish consideration. If that were her reson, I would tell her to be mature about it; if it’s appropriate, redt the shidduch, and if it doesn’t work out, keep your frienship anyhow.

    It’s also possible that the sibling doesn’t think it’s an appropriate shidduch and is using awkwardness as a cover, in order not to insult her friend.

    #1015523
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    It makes more sense just not to get married to someone whose siblings are friendly. Make sure they bite!

    #1015524
    oyyoyyoy
    Participant

    DY, i agree but if she doesnt want to back down then maybe she knows they/their friendship wont be able to handle the worst.

    i also really hear the cover theory

    #1015525
    writersoul
    Member

    Sorry, what does your friend have to do with your brother’s shidduchim?

    When my grade got the speech about Dor Yeshorim, we were told that shidduchim get nixed for much stupider reasons than being matches for recessive genetic diseases. This is, IMHO, definitely (DEFINITELY) one of them.

    #1015526
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    But it’s sort of like marrying a neighbor or an adopted cousin.

    #1015527
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    What’s wrong with marrying a neighbor?

    #1015528
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    It’s old-fashioned.

    #1015529
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Is old-fashioned bad?

    #1015530
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Did I say it was? I happen to be one of the most old-fashioned people I know, though being that I’m also one of the least, it might not count.

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